A
female
age
36-40,
*revorsmom
writes:i want another baby but my husband doesn't. i have a 1.5 year old little boy who is the center of both our universe's. i want to wait till i get out of school (another 5 years) but i know i DO want another one. my husband is completely against it. i was very close to my siblings and he is close to his now but he refuses to even talk about more. he won't give me any reasons as to why he doesn't, and just says "no!". he is very moody about the whole subject. what can i do to change his mind? i feel very passionately about having another child. but if he won't even talk about it then what can i do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I think your husband feels pushed away and probably like 'second best' as it is and just thinks "another baby and she won't even have a single minute for me". Perhaps he finds the situation manageable as it is, but dreads the thought of more upheaval. Are finances a problem? You have more time to decide about this than you are allowing yourself and I think you are pressurising yourself and him. Another baby should not be the only goal in your life. Maybe if you find other interests - both together and individually - you can have a more balanced idea of trying for another child. Feel blessed for the baby you have and work on making sure your marriage is 150% happy and on track. It sounds as though some issues have crept in and having another baby on top of this will put immense pressure on you both. Spend some time together and maybe your husband will open up more and you can talk properly. Stop pressurising him, stop mentioning it and live for the happiness you both have now. Its easy for men to lose their sense of role and identity when babies come along - and I have heard many men say "my wife completely changed when we had a child". What they mean is that they miss the passion, love and feeling of fun they had with their girlfriend or wife before children came along. Women are kind of programmed to put children first. I would work on these things and take a breather. Otherwise you could just drive him away for good.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): Then you can try to understand why he's where he is.
I don't know him, I don't know you. So I can only guess where he is. But it sounds like you're waay more in to the kid than you are to your husband. So he gets that he's going to drop down from #1 in your priority before you had kids, to waay down to the bottom -- #2 after the first kid, #3 after the next .... So his job is going to be to take out the trash, make sure the car has an oil change.
Look, having kids is huge, and they have to come first in lots of ways. But there's no way you can maintain your marriage if your husband drops off your list of priorities. Which it sounds like you're doing. Listen to him, and make a place for him -- even sometimes *before* the kids.
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