A
female
age
36-40,
*pirited
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now. Our relationship has had it ups and downs, but I feel that every day we get stronger and have truly grown up together. I only have one problem, I don't see our present changing into a future. I can't see us ever getting MARRIED! I have returned to school after about 4 years of slacking (let's be real, people... I wasn't finding myself), and while most of my peers are enrolled in their Master's programs, I am still working on my AA. It bothers me, but at least I am back on track and achieving my goal of getting an education. It took me longer than most, but I'm gonna get there. My boyfriend, however, has had an even worse relationship with school than I. He didn't go to school after High School b/c he was recruited by the Minor Leagues for baseball. After a year, he hurt his shoulder and had to quit, it was a huge blow for him b/c he thought baseball was the end-all for him. That was his life. Now he has started MMA training again (which he did about 2 years ago) but he won't create a backup plan! I want him to study SOMETHING. He expressed some interest in Physical Therapy at one point, and had enrolled to get a PT Aide certificate and on the last test, he quit. I am worried b/c if he wants to make MMA a career, it's gonna take several years, and I'm not gonna get my Bachelor's till I'm 27. Am I going to have to wait THAT long to get married? I don't want to be the only one supporting us and after 2 years, we're not messing around anymore, we're in a serious relationship! How will we be able to afford a wedding on his salary? And if he goes into MMA full-time, there will be NO salary from him until he gets bigger fights. I support him and encourage him to do what makes him happy, but I want him to be realistic, and I don't want his lack of goals to affect my chance for a happy future. I have tried approaching him on the subject and all I get is the cold shoulder. Is it too much to just ask him for a plan? I just want to know that he knows what he's doing. I want to know he has something set out of US. It's not that I need to get married, it is more about me not wanting to waste my time with someone who doesn't see that happening for him. He's said often he wants to marry me, that I'm the future mother of his kids, blah, blah. I want results. I don't mind waiting for the right time, but I want it to happen. If not, I'd rather leave before I waste more time. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, spirited +, writes (18 August 2008):
spirited is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous,You make some very good points, and perhaps I focused my question more on the marriage than on the current problem; although the problem is what I had in mind.Right now, he and I are struggling. We are living paycheck to paycheck, we barely have enough to go to the movies once a month. He takes things on without much thought sometimes, and when I force him to put things into a realistic perspective, I'm kind of the "bad" one. Thing is, I'm not practical at all, but between the two of us, one of us has to be.I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm ok with struggling now. I'm young and I know that my hard work will pay off. But will it? I don't want to live this way forever. I'm taking this phase of ours as a rehearsal at "adult life" with bills, responsibilities, and obligations. But I can't live all work and no play, and right now, I'm the "commander in chief" as he likes to call me who has to dictate every move we make. That's a lot of weight to bear, taking care of a guy, 2 pets, and myself... I'm only 22! My parents aren't paying for school for two reasons: I'm not living under their roof, I don't see it right of me to use their money when I'm no longer there. Secondly, my brother just started college, and my mom is going back so they have plenty on their plates as is to deal with my problems. They more than want to help me, but I feel that if I want to be an adult, I better act like one. I could have had a full-paid education but I decided to be irresponsible, so I walked away from that opportunity. So aside from working fulltime, I'm paying for a fulltime education as well.About the wedding, you are absolutely right. A wedding doesn't have to be on the cover of Oprah to be a beautiful one, and I have no intentions of being in debt for life because of that one day. All I want is a small ceremony with 50 people max. I guess I was using "marriage" and "wedding" as a goal. We are already "there" in terms of being prepared for marriage in every aspect but financially (and probably this issue as well). And I don't want to come back to our current economic situation once we do get married. I want to own a house. It doesn't have to be a 7 bed, 4.5 bath with a grotto. A 2 bedroom condo would suit me fine, but I'm not ok with renting out a dingy one bedroom with mold growing on our walls any longer. I want to live an adult life; I'm working like one, but not getting any of the perks from all of my hard work. He's ok with the status quo, and I'm definitely not. I need to marry someone who's willing to apply discipline in every aspect of his life not just his training (MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts. It's a pretty hardcore sport, requires about 50 to 70 hrs of training a week to be able to stand up to the best fighters). I'm very supportive of his choice to pursue this, in fact, I have taken nutrition on as a "hobby" to help shape his extremely strict meal plan. I've even applied it on myself to an extent so he doesn't have to feel bad when I'm eating a burger or something.There's nothing I wouldn't do for him, but I want to upgrade our life. I want to be able to manage our bills responsibly. I want be able to come home and be happy to be there, not look around at the mess the dog made... again. I feel like a woman stuck in a kid's life.Did I make sense? I know I can be a bit tangent-y.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): Okay, I think you need to sit back and think very seriously about what the real problem is here. Because you say that you think it's the marriage thing, but that is really not what it sounds like.
(1) No one ever said a wedding has to cost a lot of money. They can be really beautiful when they cost millions, sure, but a wedding is the first step to a marriage, which is your life together. If you guys don't have the cash, then you don't have the cash. A wedding in someone's backyard with a cake that your sister made and a white dress you bought second hand can be really beautiful and just as special if your closest family and friends are there to share it with you. What you always dreamed of? Maybe not, but feel free to re-imagine your dreams. This is your LIFE we're talking about here.
(2) Congrats on returning to school. I think that's great, and I think it's wonderful that you're getting your act together. If you ask me, this is what your issue is really all about. I see no legitimate reason in your post that you couldn't get married tomorrow if you wanted to. Are your parents paying for school, and they've refused to pay anymore once you're married, and you have absolutely no other way of making it work financially? I'm doubtful. And even if that is the case, so you get married when you're 27. So what? If your parents are paying for school, can't they chip in a bit for the wedding (since that's your big gripe in (1) above)?
The problem is that you've stopped "slacking" and you think your bf hasn't. Totally legitimate. But don't get confused and start making this about marriage and where your relationship is headed. They're totally different issues. It sounds to me like your bf is totally happy with you and talks about a future all the time. The problem is he's not shaping up into what you want him to be. So talk to him about THAT. Leave the whole marriage/future stuff out of it, and drop the accusations.
(By the way - I have no idea what MMA is.)
Tell him you're supportive of him and want him to follow his dreams, but you've also been thinking a lot about your joint future lately. That you are happy to provide moral support, but that you feel a lot of pressure of being the sole financial support for your budding little family. Then talk options, and don't just spoon feed him the ones you like.
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