A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, me and my ex decided to be friends because we didnt get to spend much time together ( together 4 month ) and thought itd be better as friends even tho we both still want the same things . he said he wanted to keep me in his life and wanted at least friends rather than nothing at all, weve both stayed single since splitting 2 month ago , i want him back but i dont think he wants me back he knows how i feel i told him a month ago but i think i pushed a bit too much and he said at this moment in time he just wants to be single . 6 week ago tho he did say we could try again but changed his mind , its as tho we both want to be together but we create pointless daft issues to stop us . ive already told him how i feel. is there anything else to say to him , hes going on a family holiday for 2 week on saturday and he said he would still chat with me while hes away . i either tell him before he goes ( could put a damper on his hol knowing hell have to reply at some point ) or wait 2 week when hes back and tell him how i feel.I dont want to regret never telling him or at least trying again
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 April 2016):
 Not such a great idea. At times being persistent gives rewards, but other times being persistent is simply equivalent to keep banging your head against a wall, and at some point one has learn to see the difference and act accordingly.
The main issue between you was that you weren't able to spend enough time together , and this may have come either from an objective incompatibility of schedule and personal engagements, or from a lack of willingness to make time. Or perhaps a bit of both.
Now if nothing has changed in your lifestyles, your schedule would still be as incompatible as before so it is pointless to give it another try. If it is for lack of willingnes / lack of effort, to make things work a change of attitude would be needed, a willingness to try harder... and he just told you in clear letters that he has not got this willingness, in fact he prefers to be single.
Pardon me but I am a bit skeptical about the fact that you want the same but you found daft reasons for not getting together. Being that you are the more interested of the two in this relationship, I think that what you mean is that HE found daft reasons to not spend enough time with you, and you, understandably, reacted by nagging or sulking or getting mad , which on turn added to the existing friction.
You can take a horse to the water but you can't make it drink. 6 weeks ago he said maybe you could try again- but changed his mind right away. 4 weeks ago, you already told him what you want and what you feel, and his answer was : thanks but no thanks.
To keep pressing the issue would not improve things , and would only make you look stalkerish. You do NOT want the same things : you want to be with him, and he wants to be single. Maybe precisely because as a single he is free to use his time as he likes without having to accomodate another's persons wants and needs.
As for your " friendship ", then, mmmmh. I am afraid that the cons would be anyway more than the pros, and that it would be best for you to let it go.
If he means a real, platonic friendship, well, that's nice of him and shows that he values you as a person , but since you do not really want a platonic friend, you want him to love you, sexually and romantically, that's like a sort of self-imposed torture for you, and prevents you from moving on and maybe meeting some other guy who would actually want a relationship with you. I think you will admit that you want to hang on to this " friendship " not because he is such a deep conversationalist, or a barrel of laughs.... he can be that too, but nevertheless that would not be the reason why you 'd be hanging there. You'd be hanging there in the hope that he changes his mind in future.
He might, who knows. Never say never, even for the most improbable things . But, just let it happen naturally and without tryng to cling to him. Do your own thing, live your life. IF he changes his mind and comes back to you, ...if you will still be single and interested, you 'll take him back. And if by then you will be with another guy,.... too bad for him, but, basically, who cares ? you have moved on.
If, instead, he means the kind of friends that meet very loosely, occasionally, ... and then, you know, " things happen ", in short, if he wants to turn you into a friend with benefits- this is not what you want , right ? In fact this is very different from what you'd want from him, so, no dice.
All in all, it would be best if not only you did not make any more attempts, but in fact decided to move on definitively to find with another person the kind of relationship you could not have with this guy.
At the very least, though, let him be during his vacation, do not ask him anything, do not chase him. Leave to him the initiative to get in touch if he feels like, and do not hurry to reply if he does, As Honeypie says, IF there's a chance that he will miss you, this trip is a very good occasion for him to realize it. But for missing somebody one has got to have the perception of their absence, not always having them clogging their inbox with messages !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016): Im the OP , hes not married has no kids , hes going on holiday with his elderly parents . He did admit he didnt want to get hurt because hed been so badly hurt before and he found it easier to stay single. ( he only admitted to me about being hurt badly after we split he seemed to feel he could open up finally ) he also suggested taking a break for a while and then see where to go but i said no , i also have been hurt extremely bad few years before but ive managed to move on and not paint everyone with the same brush. To me he sounds confused and thats why i asked how do i show him it would work with me , i havent tried lots of different ways i told him how i felt and that was it i left the ball in his court and to me i think he wants to go on his hol feel refreshed and then decide where he wants to go in life and i just want to give a gentle nudge in my direction and if its still a no from him then its a no .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016): Asking for the same thing in different ways, or settling for crumbs, really will not get you what you want from this guy.
You want him back, and you're angling in every way you know how to get him back in your life. Just understand, no matter what you want or do; you will not get him back on the terms you want. That means you must stop pretending you want to be friends; just to keep him around until he changes his mind.
You're caught-up in infatuation, and deluding yourself into believing he wants the same thing. If he did, you wouldn't be going through what you're going through; or writing DC to find yet another angle to convince this guy he wants you.
Sweetie, there comes a point when we just have to stop.
We can't take rejection so badly; that we find ourselves obsessing, and going out of our way trying to find acceptance from someone who has said "no thanks" many times over.
He does not want a relationship with you, and he is only trying to be kind to your feelings; because you're so persistent.
Detach your feelings. It's the only healthy thing you can do for yourself. His not wanting you doesn't make you any less desirable to other men. You're hellbent on making him a personal-project. This will only to lead to frustration; and eventually, to bitterness.
The remedy to this, is to put distance between you. Go no contact and deal with your feelings like an adult. Sometimes you can't have what you want. Punishing yourself by consistently pursuing it, is only hurtful and self-destructive.
Save some money and time, and go on a cleansing retreat.
Away from him, away from your life, and give yourself time to heal, to soak up some self-love, and do some emotional purging. We all need this kind of vacation; where we leave everything behind, and just center our attention on our own emotions. I recommend that you devise a plan for self-improvement, enlightenment, and start repairing your broken-heart. I've been there and done that. I know what it feels like to want someone who doesn't seem to want you the same way. I wouldn't allow myself to give-in to the urges. Trying to convince them to change their decision, and begging like a starved child. It's beneath my dignity.
I fought for my freedom. In time, someone wonderful and beautiful found his way to me. I wasn't even searching at the time; but it happened. Only because I chose to work on myself during the downtime; rather than fall apart over someone who dumped me.
Let him go.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (26 April 2016):
 Hi,
this man is NOT SERIOUS ABOUT YOU, full stop!
It's very simple actually. If he were totally committed to you and if he were serious about the two of you, trust me, he'd make sure it worked out for you both and you wouldn't have to play desperate, beg or grovel, which in some ways, is what you're doing now.
In simple terms, he'd come to you and you wouldn't have to approach him, nor do any chasing.
The harsh reality is that, if a man isn't committed, nor fully engaged, chances are, he never will be, nro can you make or force anybody to want to be with you.
He is already sending you all the msgs and signals that you need to draw a final conclusion.
He is very confused and most times, this confusion plays out, when a man isn't ready at all.
I'm sure that most men will agree with me when i say, when a man has found "the one", he will not hesitate to commit and place his lady of interest, as his priority, not as a back up plan.
When you feel something deep for somebody else, such as love, this feeling is so very powerful, that you cannot and will not turn away from it.
I personally feel/think that you're wasting your precious time, wanting to hang onto something that really has no potential future.
If you really want to know how he feels about you, DO NOT CONTACT HIM WHILST HE IS AWAY. Not PRIOR, nor AFTER.
Allow him the time, space and freedom to think about what his true feelings and priorities are and if you are definitely one of them, he will contact you when he returns.
Sometimes, when men pull away, it's actually because they are falling for a woman, HOWEVER, in YOUR CASE, he has already told you that he wishes to remain single, plus he's changed his mind about you, so you already know what his intentions are.
I wouldn't be inclined to worry about any of this, because one failed relationship only means that it wasn't working, thus leaving you open to meeting your truest connection and potential long term love.
All the best! :-)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 April 2016):
 He is going on a family vacation with whom? His wife and kids? Or his parents, brothers and sisters?
Is he married?
If he is married or "separated, but not divorced" I think you are baking up the wrong tree. He isn't going to commit to you.
If he TRULY is single and isn't REALLY looking for a serious relationship, then I think you should LISTEN to what he is saying. He ALREADY knows you want more, but that you have so far settled for a "friendship" in hopes of it leading to more an honestly, that is "dangerous" for you, because it;s also HOLDING you back from finding someone who DOES want to BE with you full time.
Maybe let him go on those two weeks and NOT talk, see just how much he is missing you when he gets back....
Honestly though, I think you are wasting your time and he is stringing you along till he finds "greener grass".
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