A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I've got an odd situation going on. I have a friend that is hard to get in touch with and is a poor communicator. She will constantly invite me to things, then not tell me the exact time or respond. I have recently learned that her boyfriend plans most of the events and it's mainly his friends. I don't really know him. We finally were able to get together a few months ago. At this event, I met a guy. We hit it off and exchanged numbers. We've all hung out in this group a lot. I felt like I was a part of things. Eventually we went on a date. It was awkward, and since we have just decided to be friends. We didn't talk for a while after the date, then started again. I know the group hung out without me after the date (sounds immature of me, I know), so I felt excluded. There was never talk of another date. Because of spring breaks and such, I hadn't hung out with the group in a while. During this time, I was talking to the guy almost daily. He was initiating the majority of the conversations. So I figured it wouldn't be him that was excluding me- since we were cool. I jokingly asked him a few times if I was still in this group and he said yes.I'm not sure how I feel about this group- I really want to be invited because they do fun things and are adventurous. I love feeling like I have a group and belong. It's been a hard transition for me since college. But they talked about how they didn't think they liked a girl in the group anymore and were going to stop inviting her, yet they invited her to an event and not me....It makes me feel like I can't really trust any of them. They seem to gossip and check each other's phones a lot. It's making me slightly paranoid. The ringleader of the group (my friend) tends to flit around to lots of different groups and isn't super close to anyone. But I'm not sure why I want to fit in!Finally, the girl texted me for us to hang out (this was a few weeks ago) and I talked to her there to see if she was upset with me and she promised she wasn't- just that she was a bad communicator and her BF made most of the plans. Other friends confirmed this. Here's where it gets tricky. The guy I went on the date with started flirting with me. And I went with it. One night after we all hung out, I went home with him. We're not having sex. I know neither of us want a relationship, so it's become a friends with benefits situation- although we text all day and don't talk sexually. I've never had a FWB thing before and typically reserve any kind of physical acts for relationships. We go do things out together, then there is some physical stuff after. We've labeled it as friends and "see what happens"- I guess there is a possibility of dating? The group has no idea- I made him promise multiple times, so I'm hoping I can trust him enough. I've seen them since and no one has any idea. So we still text daily and hang out, but I was out of town this weekend and he hung out with the group a good deal. He didn't text me much or respond and went hours between texts. He said sorry- that he had been really busy and they'd done a lot of fun new things. I can't tell if he was telling me that to make me jealous bc he knows i'm afraid to be excluded? (They knew I was out of town) or it sounds like he maybe met someone while they were out and he's not talking to me as much? I can't figure it out. I'm so sorry for the rambling- this is unchartered territory for me and I need advice.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2016):
 Do you actually WANT this type of relationship you’ve settled for with the least offensive member of the group?
Sorry, maybe he isn’t THAT offensive. He’s just, um, less offensive, as in he’ll text you when he can but isn’t going to do squat to improve or alter your standing with this odd clique.
Why do you want to be part of this exclusionary, distant and snotty clique? They gossip and publicly announce who is on the chopping block for exclusion?
Sorry for saying this but these people are stuck in some high school drama mode and you are buying into their nonsense. You are so desperate to belong you will accept crappy treatment.
Drop them, drop them all, including Mr. kinda FWB. There’s nothing here for you but bad treatment. They’re like the mean girls in high school.
There are other people out there who do fun things and are adventurous without torturing the wannabe member types.
Is this some kind of gamer group that meets up mostly online but occasionally gets together IRL? They sound like utter losers to me, but that’s based on your reporting of them, so maybe they give money to various rescue groups and help out those less fortunate?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016): I think you're trying too hard, and you're worried about acceptance. Don't put so much power over your feelings into the hands of strangers.
They are an established clique, and as cliques go; they enjoy making outsiders feel they're not cool enough to fit in. You have to develop immunity to this, it's going to happen a lot in life. In school, the workplace, and your social-life. You can't have a high-school mentality and deal with it. It can be hurtful or isolating; if you let it get to you. Choose a more mature and dignified approach to such things. Dance to your own beat; never ride on anybody's coattails.
It's really up to your friend to make you feel included. You might want to stop calling her a friend; if she's as flaky as you say she is. I honestly feel she is purposely being evasive and not giving you the details, to maintain her own place as an integral and unique female presence within the clique. Minus any other female-competition. If she were really a friend, she'd want you to share in all their activities; as should this guy you're calling a friend with benefits.
If you really want to spare your feelings; hang with him, but keep it casual. Minimize the physical stuff, and make him show you respect. I think you're using him to get closer to the group. Even if you're not, he thinks you are.
Make friends one at a time. Sort them according to how they treat you and make you feel. Dump them when they abandon you; or don't show you loyalty and devotion. That's what real friends do. So don't use the word friend so casually. None of the people you've described in your post show the qualities and character that real friends exhibit freely and willingly. Don't let your need for acceptance get the better of you. They may do cool things; but they're not welcoming you as they should.
Don't rule out the possibility that you just aren't cut from the same cloth as the others. It doesn't make you any less cool than they are; but you're handing over far too much power when you try too hard to be included by people who don't open their invitations to make you feel welcome and included.
Real friends don't allow you to feel left-out.
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