A
male
age
36-40,
*obby472
writes:Im gay, i have never had a relationship with another guy. My first time was with a guy, and i was 22. It was only a one night stand (which i am against, not sure why i did that one). But lately i have had oportunities to meet with other guys, but i keep backing out. We make plans and set up the dates for when and where. But once the date approachs i back out. At first i get really excited and happy. I dont have any gay friends where i live. Ive always wanted some, to really be able to accept myself. But when i get a chance to i get scared. Maybe its because i still dont fully accept myself for being gay. Im not sure, or maybe it is because i have a bad image of the gay community and what they expect of me. I keep leading guys on, but when it comes down to meeting i can never do it. I know i want a relationship. I desperatly companionship, just someone to talk to. Why then do i fear the first step so much? Please help, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
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reader, bobby472 +, writes (21 July 2009):
bobby472 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve thought about looking at other cities. the nearest one that would most likely have a LGBT friendly therapist would be about 2 hours away. But that just to the city limits. It would probably take another hour or so just to get to the office. But when compared to mental health issues, thats nothing. I just dont have a job that would be able to support the travel that often. But I will look into it.
A
male
reader, bobby472 +, writes (14 July 2009):
bobby472 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere are not many therapists where I live. It a small city and the older generations are homophobic (religious of course).
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A
male
reader, bobby472 +, writes (4 July 2009):
bobby472 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell no luck with the therapist. Once again I have burried myself in my work. Im going to be heading to school for training and I keep trying to get a bigger work load to keep my mind off of things.
Why do I keep doing this? I cant stop
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A
male
reader, bobby472 +, writes (27 June 2009):
bobby472 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I shouldnt dwel on the past. But its the past that made me the person I am today. Its hard to just say "ok im not going to do this any more" even though that is what I have been doing my entire life. Ive become so used to just bottling everything up, that I find it pretty much impossible to talk to someone about my porblems. I was forced to see a therapist after my hospital stay. But of cource he was homophobic and kept trying to turn me straight. That was my biggest fear for asking for help. That I would only find more pain, and I did. The hardest thing for people to do is ask for help. That first step always seems so big, that I just ignore it and continue on with things the way I always have been. Just add it to the box and deal with it another time.
But as many people have said to me, that bottling everything up is very unhealthy, emotionaly and physicaly. Which I have already experienced both sideaffects. Lately it feals as tho im loosing my mind. Teh only thing really keeping me conected to others is the internet. Which does help, dont get me wrong. I appreciate all of this, it does help. But its still only a screen, an image that cannot give full comfort to the pain. The one thing I need is a good face to face conversation, but that is the hardest thing for me to do.
Growing up I always put myself last. Who ever needed help from me got it. Everyone could count on me to be there for them, anytime anywhere. I never asked for anything in return. I put all of my problems on the back burner. I never wanted to burden anyone with my problems. It was easy, so to this day I still do it without thinking. Its a really hard habit to break, but its a reliable one.
But as days go by its becomes harder and harder to put that smile on in the morning. My emotions are really starting to interfear with my daily life. I know that one day soon I will have a mental break down. But as usual I just push that aside and help out with problems in people around me.
Today im going to do some research and see if I can find a therapist in my city. One that has delt with people form the LGBT community. I hope I can find one, but I doubt it. Im sure if I want a therapist like that, I would have to travel to a bigger city. Which is out of the question. but I will try. Thank you for you kind words, support and just listening. It is greatly appreciated. I will let you know if I found a good therapist in the near future.
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A
male
reader, bobby472 +, writes (27 June 2009):
bobby472 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you glittereverywhere & Gina for your response. I will try my hardest to put both in practice.
After posting my question I realized I left some important stuff out, that most likely is the cause of all this stress, fear, and hatred.
Ive lost many friends over my sexuality. In highschool I lost all my friends, which had totaly destroyed my world, and made it really hard to trust anyone anymore. After grad I knew I had to leave. So I moved away and started a new life. Hoping to leave my previous one behind me. Which it worked, for about three months. Then all the fear and hatred came back up. My new job took up all my time. For about 4 years I worked with the same people almost everysingle day, some days we worked 8 and some 14. Because of these odd hours and nonstop working, I neve really got the oportunity to meet other people. So my co workers were my only friends. After 4 years of what i thought to be a really good friendship, on both sides, they knew I was gay and accepted it. My boss decided to fire me, becuase of my depression. Then once again, my world was shatred. I think I have lost the ability to trust people. It seems as tho every time I do the end up hurting me in the end. I always have my armor on, never letting anyone in.
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