A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was hoping to get some advice on what I should do in this situation I'm in. Quite honestly it's not one I've been in before so not sure what to do.I've been seeing this girl for a little while now. I'm a young professional and she is a student. We went out around 5 times prior to her going away home for a month for study leave.During this time we've talked everyday via text messages and instant messager.She came back recently and things picked up as if she never left; we had a nice night in. We joked around and I stayed the night.In the morning I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. I thought since she referred to herself as not being single anymore; and she referred to what we had as a relationship that this would be a yes. And I got a no from her.She said that relationships are messy and she likes what we have right now.She isn't interested in other guys; it would appear that she's just interested in what we have right now.Her last relationship hurt her quite a bit. It was a rather long term relationship which ended with her boyfriend at the time being a bit of an ass to her. It has been a year since that relationship ended; but she has struggled with insecurities quite a bit in her life.I'm not entirely sure what to do next to be honest. She still wants to see me but I do want a relationship. I'm enjoying our time together, the conversations, the sex and so on but I don't know how comfortable I'd be knowing that we wouln't move up a step. I do like her and I like when we're coupley with each other.Is this something I could work in to a relationship over time? Or is this something I should stay with for the now? Or should I end it now before I get too attached?Like I said; this isn't a situation I've ever been in before so I'm a bit lost on what to do. Any help would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): You're being a bit too impatient, OP if you ask me.
You know where she is mentally, you only met up 5 times before she got back and technically had a break in between.
If you want her you'll have to be patient and not force this.
OP is she a girl worth taking a risk with? is the idea of the chance of being her boyfriend in the future worth the risk of getting hurt? Because relationships are always a risk and putting a label on it, and making it official doesn't take away any of them.
You have a good time together, and most importantly you know where you stand. Which is right now you're seeing each other. You know after what happened her she's going to need more time to get to know you and trust you, so if you to be with her you'll be patient and not try to force things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): So ... if she's not seeing anyone but you and she's not interested in seeing anyone but you and you're already talking/going on dates/having sex ... why won't she admit that she is IN a relationship? Because she feels the less she's "in" the easier it is to get out. Sort of like that person who always sits right by the door or insists on an aisle seat everywhere. I think it's her past relationship, it sounds like the guy wanted to keep the relationship and not be dumped (I'm assuming she dumped him) and I'm guessing the relationship went from dating to relationship to sex really fast (or, maybe he skipped the "dating part" altogether). If that's the case, maybe she's holding onto the "good" part as long as she can, the beginning of the relationship, where it's always the best part. That's just my assumption. But if that's the case and you know she's not with anyone else, what's the issue? You basically have a relationship going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): She is a student, her life in front of her, she possibly doesn't know what she wants when her studies end.
She could move back home, abroad or the other side of the country. So she is keeping her options open, keeping you in the position of casual but available.
You are getting attached, so why not date around, make HER an option rather than your girlfriend for now? As long as your honest with her she will have to tolerate this and probably will because she isn't as attached emotionally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): You haven't been seeing her that long, and she gave you a reasonable and sensible explanation why she isn't ready.
Maybe her mind isn't quite made-up about you; and she isn't quite over her ex.
She has things to work out, and she is under repair from a bad breakup.
You should really be appreciative of her honesty and consideration. It's better to wait and allow her time to recover; than to try and carry-on a relationship, when she has personal-issues and emotional wounds that need attention. She is still healing.
Please be patient.
Things should move nice and slow. Allow her feelings to catch up with yours. Rushing her would be a bad idea. You don't want to be her rebound boy-friend. That would break your heart. Don't be too pushy, or she will become distant; or shy away completely.
She is correct. Things are going well. She wants to make sure she has her emotional-ducks in a row; before jumping too quickly into a new relationship. She has shown her interest in you, but maybe not in a relationship at this time. Don't be too eager or she'll be spooked!
I say, give it more time. Be understanding. It would be to your benefit that when you ask a girl to be your girlfriend, that she is ready, willing, and able.
She has to be emotionally-available, and mentally in the right state of mind to take-on and maintain a successful romantic-connection. Not one made in haste and under pressure.
You're seeking an exclusive commitment. It will last longer if it starts off on a strong foundation. You both should have equal feelings for each other, and be on the same page.
If her feelings don't catch up with yours; you wouldn't want to end up getting dumped after you're completely attached and you've emotionally bonded. Her feelings are too unstable to take such a risk with your heart.
Let what you have grow naturally and deliberately. That's how it should always be done. Try not to seem too needy.
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