A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is going to sound like an odd question - or as if I am slightly crazy - but I'm increasingly realising that I attract people who I am certain are on the autism spectrum and I want to know how, if at all, I can avoid this happening in future.I grew up in a very abusive household and it took me until the age of 48, and a very good 'on the ball' male counsellor, to recognise that my mother (died when I was 34) showed every sign of being on the autism spectrum. He also said that he could see a pattern where, because my mother's autism was so extreme - and included her being completely 'emotionally unavailable' - and because I'd had the patience, from childhood, to learn to tolerate her very anti-social and extremely hurtful ways, I had basically attracted partners and friends who showed similar, extreme signs of being on the autism spectrum and who had gravitated towards me because I am too accommodating about their condition.When he said this, it actually all added up. It made complete sense even at the time and, the more I researched into the condition in the years since then, the more I recognised signs in my ex husband, my ex partner of 20 years, my friend who I've known also for 20 years, and two male friends. I have talked with my daughter and her partner about her father and they both completely agree that he shows lots of signs of being on the spectrum. My ex partner's mother did say she had thought that he was on the spectrum but they'd never done anything about it. A common pattern with each of these people is that I have, initially, been alarmed by - and / or definitely turned "off" rather than "on" by their behaviour - NOT because I knew anything about autism back when I started the relationships with them - but just a deep, gut feeling, that something wasn't 'right' - and I don't mean that with any hostility to people with autism. However, soon after that, I'd feel guilty for being possibly judgemental and would deliberately override my own responses, going into a different mode where I'd effectively position my self as carer. Usually there have been early signs like the person taking a very, very long time to process verbal responses to my questions of comments (my ex husband did this and I nearly ran away from our first date because of it), inability to function properly in society eg. being unemployed or not being able to stick at a job, not being able to form sentences properly / incomplete speech patterns, 'babbling' endlessly with no sense of reciprocal conversation or, conversely, being almost mute, very intense attention to a particular subject (hyper focussing), very poor attention span, very rigid routines and, in my friend's case OCD, inability to see things from another's perspective, lack of empathy (often extremely so). With the men involved, I've found a common trait has been for them to normalise being insulting towards me - ie. saying very insulting things as a matter of course. With my ex partner there was definitely every sign of Dyspraxia, which I know can be a related condition.With the exception of my ex husband, who had very few friends, all of the others have been either exceptionally charming or highly socially skilled - but in a way that, in retrospect, I've come to see as limited. In other words, they become quite socially dominant through being charming to everyone in a very childlike way, but they don't have many close relationships at all and each have real difficulty with very intimate relationships. It's as if there is a lack of real reciprocity but no one notices because they are so socially charming. And it's as if this kind of learned charm is a way of compensating for a fear of real intimacy but it is extremely convincing, on the surface, as the opposite; my mother gave the impression to people who she didn't know well as being the warmest, most generous person, but as soon as the door was shut she was robotic, totally un-nurturing then intermittently explosive and also abusive - a really horrible temper and saying things that shredded me then and even in memory now. My ex partner was exactly the same - very abusive and neglectful in private but charming and highly social with others and the other friends (male and female) are somewhat like this too - not abusive to me, but definitely very insensitive. In all cases, except my ex husband, the other person is very insensitive regarding listening - they constantly interrupt.I actually had a screening done to check if I had this condition and I definitely don't have it. But one thing the counsellor told me and that I've read subsequently, is that if you spend extended periods of your life with people on the autism spectrum, you can start to absorb their mannerisms and this can take you away from your sense of self. Over the years, I feel I have increasingly lost my sense of self as a person.The reason I'm bringing this up is that I've started to become very worried that this pattern is set for life. I was brought up by my mother to totally deny my own needs and so, what I tend to do is extend extreme tolerance and patience to anyone I see having difficulty with life generally. I extended this to these people, effectively and increasingly taking the role of carer. I longed to be accepted (because my mother never accepted me), so it is as if I unwittingly chose people on the autism spectrum and tried to gain their love, by being ultra-patient with them. What I've then found is that each, in their own way, becomes increasingly dominant and (apart from my female friend who I've managed to create boundaries with) there's conflict - because they themselves are not aware of the condition and are very entrenched in their own ways. It's not that I try to change them, it's just that they sometimes lack sensitivity to basic human rights and I feel like I'm going crazy because I'm not a doctor and cannot prove that they have the condition, but - honestly - all the signs are there.It means I've spent a lot of my time in relationships being very lonely and quite confused about what friendships and relationships are supposed to really feel like - yes, they are fun some of the time because a common trait they all have is to be quite childlike, and that can be fun, but I increasingly find I hold back nowadays as I don't want to be hurt any more.I feel like I'm going to get a 'brow-beating' on this forum for saying all of this - but it honestly was my counsellor who first pointed this out. I feel exhausted from trying to be friends with / have relationships with people who show all the signs of autism; it's like I'm an unpaid carer - they all thrive from my help, but I end up exhausted and alone. I recently realised a man I'd been frightened of initially and then very drawn to is very likely to have Aspergers - more than one friend pointed this out to me and I thought, 'Oh no, I'm doing it again".What can I do to make sure I don't fall into this trap again? I really don't mean any insult to people on the autism spectrum but it has scared me to realise what has been going on - and I'd like to have much more reciprocal relations in future. I am honestly very giving - but that's the problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2018): Wow. Just wow. I cannot even begin to tell you how similar your situation is to mine. Everything you said just had me going, “YEP!!...ME TOO!!...I FEEL THE SAME WAY!!...RIGHT??!!” My boyfriend undoubtedly has Aspergers. There is absolutely no empathy, no affection, no sensitivity, and certainly no emotion deeper than the surface-y bullshit that he thinks he is expected to have in certain social situations. He is so awkward when it domes to interact with anyone he feels is in ANY position of authority..like even Target employees. He says he loves me but he doesn’t show it in the way I need him to. I’ve read the 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman and we actually score kiiind of similar in our results. I don’t know maybe he just picked random answers during the little survey/quiz thingy. All I know is that I don’t feel loved or warmth or affection or anything remotely close from him and I don’t see it happening any time soon. His mother is/was just as bad as he is/was except times ten. At least I know how and WHY he’s the way he is, but it doesn’t help the feeling lonely part. I resent his mother for what she’s done and I hate saying that because she’s nice too (if you don’t try and talk about anything personal on any level), but everyone is so afraid of telling her anything even if it’s something she needs to hear because she makes everything so f*ckkng awkward! Anyways, thanks for reading and I feel a little better knowing someone else feels what I feel and can relate. Thank you for sharing.
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (19 March 2018):
You are totally aware of the type of people that you fall for or become a carer for.
It seems like you lack the ability to assert boundaries and even apparently well adjusted people feel that they can push their needs on you. There aren't that many spectrum people in the world for you to always bump into them and form relationships.
The trick to being able to set boundaries is to know what is a reasonable request. I think that the 'is it possible to reciprocate?' test is good. If you spend an afternoon helping them move a wardrobe would they spend a couple of hours helping with your car oil change etc. Some people have different skills do you have to be flexible. Sometimes hanging out or inviting you to dinner is sufficient. It's just enough to define you as Not a Pushover.
By and large if people can't form sentences or babble- it's a sign you shouldn't expect an equal relationship. I'm not being unsympathetic but you can explicitly describe the people you don't want to form relationships with. You know how they are. Just disengage and find a different adult.
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