A
male
age
36-40,
*an84
writes:I recently entered into a casual relationship with someone that I met through a swingers site, we used to meet for nsa fun but we clicked and we decided to make it more permanent but I told her that I had a bad experience a few years ago and it left me feeling insecure and that's why I was only interested in a casual relationship.We both agreed that we would both remove our accounts from the swingers site and not meet anyone else but I always had a feeling she was still meeting other guys as it would sometimes be a while before I could get to see her due to my unsociable work hours, I asked her if it was so and she denied it, but a couple of days ago one of my mates who is also on the site told me her profile was active again and she was looking to meet someone, when I confronted her about it she said she had only done it to try and test me and see if I was still on the site as well.She has also been pushing me for something more serious but I told her from day one I didn't want anything more but she kept pushing and pushing until I eventually snapped and then she turned it around and denied she had even said it which lead to an argument but after this latest thing she then tried turning it around again and said that she wasn't insecure and she went off on a rage because I decided to end it, how can it work if she doesn't trust me and I don't trust her? Was it the right thing to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): I have to agree with the first answer from Dragonslayer, in that you were wrong to expect her to conform to your wants in a relationship, but when she stated what she wanted (to become more serious) you turned her down. When you (both) knew you would not give her the type of relationship she wanted you should have had a more in-depth conversation about what will happen next (like do you split up, or go back to swingin, or what).
You cannot have your cake and eat it too. She obviously wanted a serious relationship with a future if she was going to give up her lifestyle and be exclusive with you. Since you could not provide her with this she went back to dating around.
Yes it was also wrong of her to play childish games and not be up front about removing the exclusivity from your relationship. You are both better off looking elsewhere for a partner(s) since it is now glaringly obvious that you are both looking for different things.
Best of luck, hope this was a good learning experience for next time.
R
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): You made the right decision.
This potential relationship was doomed from the get go. Why waste any more time and emotions on it? It would only get worse in time.
Think about it. What kind of a woman registers on a Swinger's site and has NSA sex with all sorts of men? Is this a woman who has future wife written all over her? Is she even the model of fidelity? No on both counts. This is a good time girl who likely is messed up in the head and in life. She is escaping something. Self medicating. Confront the real issues here.
And what about you? You are escaping and self medicating too. Do you really think you are such a catch for women looking to get serious? Men who are willing to indulge in NSA relationships, too, are damaged goods on the serious relationship front. They are good for a good time but not husband material. Because, they, too are damaged in some way and not together. And you ARE due to your past experiences. You will just be flying one kite after another after another. Running away over and over again. While all your problems are still there, while you try to push them away. The answer does not lie in a swinger's site nor in other women who have the same problems you do.
There is no real life happy ending to your story. Until you get yourself straight. You are now only in escape mode. You will never heal unless you do the hard work on yourself. Nobody likes that part, as casual fun is well, so much more fun. No strings just masks the pain and gives you a temporary happy place and source of pleasure. But after every encounter, that quickly dissipates. Until the next fix. And then the cycle begins again. You are handing your burdens over to another and expecting them to solve them. Or carry their weight. Nobody carries those burdens but you. Only you can walk that road. Nobody else.
I do think that this woman going back on the site was no mistake and she was lying. She was back on because she was looking for somebody else to have sex with. Her options are OPEN. Don't for one second think you can trust anybody like her. She was on this site for a reason. She is a swinger and swingers will never be monogamous. So, please stop deluding yourself and day dreaming about something that will never be, and the person she will never be. We hurt ourselves with expectations that just aren't rooted in reality. You have more control than you think.
I applaud you for walking away and realizing that this is not for you. This woman is not trustworthy. Likely neither are you because you really don't know what you want at this point.
I suggest you stay off the site. And perhaps get some counselling. You need to be your own best friend for a while because allowing yourself to trust anyone is going to be a difficult feat. Therefore rather than subject others to your own insecurities due to trust issues, it is best you get help for yourself first. And when you are ready, enter a proper relationship. Stop this NO STRINGS drama. It is not going to serve you well.
Step one, close your account. Step two, arrange an appointment with a family doctor who can refer you to a therapist. You will need therapy and/or medication.
I find that as human beings we gravitate towards self gratification but always come up empty. Why? It's like being hungry and just eating candy. You will never be satiated and more importantly, healthy. So, it is now time to dig deep. You need to be emotionally healthy again. And stop indulging in temporary, self destructive solutions.
I know what it is like to feel empty and having another person make you feel alive by the act of sex. But in the end, you end up feeling more alone than ever and more worthless.
I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 March 2018):
 I think you should work on those insecurities from your past and not project them unto EVERY new woman you meet. It's not fair for you to drag around the past hurts and expect the new women to somehow walk on eggshells for you.
Like Allumeuse pointed out... YOU want a "NSA thing" but you also expect exclusivity. That doesn't really gel for most people who do NSA.
YOU wanted NSA - she didn't. I think her take on the " we decided to take our profiles down" meant you WERE perhaps hoping to build something further with it.
While I find her "test" of you ridiculous. Dumbest excuse ever. I also find your expectations that you can somehow demand that a person you will JUST mainly use for sex, that you won't commit to or really emotionally invest in because SOME chick in your past hurt you is equally ridiculous.
ISN'T the point of a "swinger" to SHARE sexual experiences with MULTIPLE people? Pretty sure it is. So why are you on a site like there looking for a exclusive NSA fuck-buddy? Where the F is the logic is that?
EVERYONE has been through some shit in their lives with relationship, life, family, work and whatnot - that doesn't give ANYONE (not even you) the right to demand that others have to treat you like a glass slipper. YOU CAN NOT hold a NEW person accountable for what someone in your past did to you.
YOUR insecurities are what did and will continue to MESS with every single relationship you will ever attempt whether they are f-buddy NSA or something more.
Find a counselor or therapist and work on yourself. Blaming everyone else for YOUR insecurities won't get you ANYWHERE.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (16 March 2018):
Well I think it's probably best you don't see each other any more, but you should both have a look at how your behaviour is feeding these misunderstandings.
She is a woman looking for something more on a swinger site and you are a man who prefers and enforces a form of exclusive for No Strings Attached relationships.
No wonder there are arguments!
I'll be clear, I'm not asking you to cut her a break because that ship has sailed. But from you username you are 34 years old, shouldn't you be putting more energy into healing from this bad experience a few years ago rather than putting a sticking plaster over them.
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A
male
reader, Dragonslayer +, writes (16 March 2018):
Yes, and no. Yes, because you developed feelings,feelings turned into jealousy, and your jealousy turned into insecurity. No, for the simple fact that women like to mind games. She was probable waiting me to make some type of move maybe to make it official or to at least be honest with your feelings. She was probable on the site because she got tired of you being a lil bitch. A women will only wait so long, for a guy to "man-up" and decide what his wants. Obivously, you like her and you developed feelings bc if you didn't you wouldnt care. You would call it like it was a fling, but you want to tie her down without the title. You are being selfish and self-centered and concerned about yourself. I'm sorry but you are in the wrong not her!
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