A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having a major problem with my girlfriend. I have a fear that the relationship might end, which I think is making me act a bit irrationally, which is only making it worse. I need a little constructive help...We've been together over 3 years now. When we first got together she lived with her parents so we only saw each other maybe once a week or less. We did talk on the phone or via computer all the time. About a year into the relationship she moved to my town (only about an hour's drive away from her family) to transfer to college here, and we ended up in the same program so we do spend a lot of time together on college campus for classes and studying and such. She didn't do this BECAUSE of me, but because our school had a better program. Slowly, over the course of the past year or so, she's been withdrawing a lot. By this I mean, other than time we spend together on studying, she seems to want to spend less and less time with me and more and more time with family and friends. For quite some time, this was fine with me, as it progressed. I understand people need time to themselves. So I was OK with her saying "hey, could I spend this weekend with my family" or whatever. But now it's reached a point where she spends nearly all of her free time outside of school with friends or family. She hesitates to make plans with me outside of school, and if she does, more often than not she ends up with an excuse as to why she cannot keep our date.I've asked her if there's something wrong and if she'd like to talk about it, and she says "No, nothing is wrong; this has nothing to do with me wanting to spend time with you, this is me having obligations to family and friends as well as you."Her point would be completely fair if I were demanding the majority of all of her free time. The fact is though that I'm not, and in the past month, we have not seen each other outside of school at all, unless going to dinner once at the diner across the street from campus counts. She however FEELS that I am demanding too much from her. For whatever reason, she has a feeling that I want 100% of her attention. I don't even know why this is; only suspicion I have is she's talked about ex-friends of hers who demanded all of her time. At that point she gave it to them, and her grades started suffering, her mood was down, and she was generally unhappy, so she had to remove herself from those situations. And I feel like now she responds to any requests for attention, especially from someone like a boyfriend, as if they are doing what her ex-friends did.I finally just told her that I am not upset with the fact that she sees family and friends but that I'd just like it if she could make some more time for us - not 100% time, but a little more. She got very defensive. She first pulled out the "blood is thicker than water" line when it comes to family - basically, that she has an obligation to her family. As for friends, she says "These are people I don't see very often." She must have a thousand friends if that's the case, because it feels like all the time there's a friend she has to see who she hasn't seen in years. I have asked her if something is bothering her that's unrelated to this and if she'd like to talk about it I'd be willing to listen. Her response: "Stop thinking this is about you or us. It's not. You know I love you. It's about my obligations to my friends and family. I feel like you think you're the only important person in my life; you're not, and you need to accept that."To add insult to injury, she added on "You know, I spend almost every day on campus with you. We go to lunch in the cafeteria, we study, we hang out. I probably spend 30 hours a week with you. Why is nothing ever enough for you?"Another important point is that her family has never liked me a lot. It's not even specific to me. They have a very hard time letting go, and she also has a hard time letting go of them (by that I mean becoming a true independent adult) They see me - or any boyfriend who has potential - as a threat to their involvement in her life. They put a LOT of pressure on her about this, which I'm sure is exacerbating the problem. This situation also creates tension among friends. Her family tends to like to get deeply involved with her friends. If she turned down an invitation from a friend, or told her family she's too busy to see them, she'd have to explain that it's because she's seeing her boyfriend, and it'd start a huge fight. In short, from her perspective, I can see her conflict and trouble. I just don't know what I can do to help her take the steps that she needs to take - not just for our sake, but for her own.Now I feel like she doesn't really want to spend any time with me and is only making excuses as to why she can't. Or she makes plans to keep me happy, then cancels plans later over the phone or something when she doesn't have to hear my disappointment... And if she really doesn't want to see me, I wish she'd just say so and explain how she feels, so we can talk about if something is wrong.Aunts, I really don't want to be a selfish boyfriend. I really have no problem giving my girlfriend space as long as it's reasonable. But the thing is, I want a more fulfilling relationship. Time we spend on campus isn't going on dates, it's studying and focusing on school work. I just want a normal date once in a while - dinner and a movie, a weekend getaway, whatever. But I feel like I'm selfish for expecting this, because this girl has lots of other "obligations" and makes me feel very selfish for wanting this. We haven't been on a "real" date for over a month now.Before anyone suggests it, we have discussed the marriage issue, and we both agreed to complete school and make sure we are both established with a job before we consider it. I don't feel that making a step like that would do anything but push her away. I really don't want to break up with her - I feel there's a potential for salvage here, but I just don't know where it is.Help, please...
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 June 2013):
 Do you and she live at the same address????
From your submittal... I "see" a situation just BEGGING for the proverbial "time out." You and she ARE "communicating" but it sounds more as if you talk AT one-another rather than TO one-another... THAT is not communication, of course.... but is two people providing monologues to each other...
Hence, my suggestion, that to break the communication barrier that currently exists... "step back" from attempts at communication, altogether....
After all, the two of you DO have lots of other "stuff" to keep you busy (your studies).... AND, if you (and she) find, after some time, that you really DO like, and miss, one-another... you will STILL be in the same vicinity, and you can - THEN - make a date to consider ressurrecting this relationship that seems to at-odds, now...
Good luck... and study hard!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): There are 168 hours in a week. Assuming she spends 8 hours a night asleep, that leaves 112 waking hours to do other things. She spends at least 30 hours (more than 1/4) of this time with you. If she spends a weekend with her family, that is about 32 waking hours. So, between you/studying and her family, more than half of her free waking time is gone. Approximately 50 hours are left. How long does it take her to get ready in the morning? How long are her classes? Does she go to the gym or work out? Does she have a job or does she get money from her family? how long does it take to travel from place to place?When does she get a day or two to just stay in and relax without having yo worry about everyone else?Maybe it is time that you found some other friends to hang out with at school. Maybe once she isn't seeing you every day for studying and lunch she will miss you and want to go on a proper date with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Maybe she considers the time you spend studying as quality relationship time - which your understandably don't.Maybe spend less time together in class. Have a separate group of friends at uni and say that you are happy to spend time with her on dates, but you just don't want to smother her by being in her space 24/7 since she feels that you're being too demanding.I'm not saying blank her out completely in class. I'm saying don't sit next to each other or work together in group work so that she sees the need to spend time with you outside of uni.Other than that, I don't see what else would make her see the point in spending time relaxing as a couple.As for her family- would they like you more if you spent time with them too? If you occasionally visited them with her?
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (6 June 2013):
 If two people are being selfish which it appears it wont work. Then theres is no point of making it work you not on the same page. Im going through this myself a little with obligations friendship boyfriends part time boyfriends plus controlling parents and old exs family in laws and others. You seem to be honestly trying but at the same time you do seem against her also. Like you are being slightly wishy washy and what not. You make time she will make time. If its just her making an effort or just you thats the problem as mentioned. Either be together or be apart. Sometimes we dont seem to be on the same path or agenda and have the same motives. Programming can cause that here or there. She wants more commitment and not just for control so she can't do things she feels obligated to do. If you where more there for her and was more real with her and not selfish she would feel more obligated to you and you wouldnt be having this problem or these issues. Im just comparing and assuming based off my knowledge and experienced may not apply to you two.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 June 2013):
 I won't suggest marriage, as you add more people to your household it only means less time for you. If anything it becomes a parallel marriage, you only get married to drift apart more.
I think she is living with you because it's close to campus. She is brushing your concerns off by making you feel selfish. If you do break up with her, what she will miss is the convenience, the showing off to her friends that her boyfriend proposed, but not the real you and your affections. If she "works" on the relationship, it's because she wants to keep the status quo, I am afraid to say. The relationship can only be salvaged when she loves you for you, and she wants to make you happy.
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