A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyoneI really hope you can give me some advice. Or perhaps just support. Either way, I really need to vent.I am 36 years old and my husband is 42. We have been together for 15 years. Our relationship is really good and strong and I cannot imagine life without him.We have always been a bit ambivalent on the subject of having kids. Most of the time it's been more or less a non-issue, just plain and simple "maybe, maybe not, let's see what happens." I have never considered myself as a "baby person" and motherhood hasn't been a top priority in life for me. I have been perfectly content with what I have, as I consider myself a very lucky person all around. It's my husband who has always been the baby person, or at least he has been more open to the idea.I had a miscarriage two years ago and it was a really hard thing to get over. The pregnancy was accidental, but for the first time ever my heart opened to the idea of having a child. Sadly I couldn't make that decision myself. Nature made it for me.After the miscarriage I grieved for quite a while, and so did my husband. He didn't really want to talk about it much, I assume this was because he didn't know how to act around me and perhaps it was hard for him to express his sadness. It was new territory for the both of us. I still feel sad though, that we didn't talk it through properly at the time.Now I am having my first "baby boom" ever. I have been thinking about having a kid for months now. It could be just the hormones talking, my body reminding me that time is running out and soon it may be too late. Perhaps it's just biology and only biology. Either or, I still feel that this is something I definitely want to do.A few days ago I told my husband how I feel and then asked him what his stance is now. His answer was a simple "no." He feels that he is too old now. He didn't elaborate on the subject at all, this was his only opinion. No kids, too late, we're too old.I have been crying my eyes out ever since. It feels awful that this possibility has been taken away from me for good. Obviously I cannot imagine leaving my man just to have a kid with some random dude's junk from the freezer. But this is really hard for me. I know my husband would've been open to the idea 10 years ago, but I didn't want a kid 10 yeears ago and I didn't want to have one "just in case". I am really angry at my hubby although I have no right to be but I am. Bitter and disappointed and quite frankly, really surprised by his immediate rejection. I'm beginning to wonder if there's more to it than just this, if he's in fact displeased in this marriage and just doesn't want a kid with me. I'm probably just paranoid, but all these mixed feelings and thoughts have taken over my head and I cannot stop crying. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm having all kinds of crazy ideas. My hubby and I have a mutual friend whom I had a crush on for a while and he had one on me - that cooled off, but lately he has been flirting with me again. I admit I still find him attractive and I am very drawn to him sexually, but nothing physical has ever happened between us, only a couple of "I really like you's" but that's all. Now I have been fantasizing about him again, and last night I started thinking about the fact the this guy would gladly get me knocked up if I wanted to. Now, I am fully aware that these sort of thoughts are just plain idiotic and borderline psychotic but I seem to be driven by my hormones right now. I need to get my head straight before I jump my friend's bones just to console myself and/or get pregnant.This is very alarming and disturbing. Please help me, people! Thanks in advance. Any sort of feedback is very much appreciated. Thank you for reading this rant. Kind regards, A desperate woman
View related questions:
crush, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): From the OP:Hi everyone and thank you for your replies. I tried talking to my husband again and things got worse. Apparently, the problem really is me. He told me " come on, be reasonable, we can't have a child. You couldn't handle the stress (what??) and it would be too expensive (what??)". Our financial situation is fine. Obviously we'd have to cut back on other things but that's something I'd do gladly if a child came along. And as for the stress, my husband is not psychic and he cannot possibly know whether I can handle it or not. Of course I am aware that it will be harder than it would've been in my twenties, but I am more than willing to take that chance. And no-one can predict what happens during pregnancy, after the birth, within a year, within 20 years. How can he say that to me? He told me that "things would have to change". I asked what he meant and he referred again to finances and I told him that we would manage as long as we both understand that we can't have a child AND keep our current lifestyle (we travel A LOT and have a summer house in another country). But I don't care, of course it would be a big change but I really really want that change. If only I knew what kind of change my husband wants, as the discussion clearly implicated that he is not happy with the status quo. But again he did not elaborate, he just shut down after a while. And left me crying on my own, did not console me, did not say anything reassuring. It hurt me deeply.So apparently this whole marriage is unsatisfying for him and I had no clue, just a few days ago he told me how happy he is with me. That was clearly a lie.Is he just trying to put an end to my babyboom by being so cold or should I be worried that he might be thinking of ending this relationship altogether? Now I am really confused. And hurt. And so sad.What am I going to do? I have no idea how to proceed from here. This is a nightmare!
A
female
reader, LaceratedReality  +, writes (7 June 2013):
PLEASE do not follow the advice to "accidentally" get pregnant. That would be cruel and deceptive.If your husband does not want kids, then he does not want kids. Sure he may have loved your unborn child but that is because he is not a monster. It does not mean he wants to have children. If you push and push to convince him to have children; he will resent you and possibly the child in the future. Every child deserves parents who WANT them.It is an impossible situation but you both want different things; you cannot change his mind and he cannot change yours. The question is are you willing to live without having children even though that is what you desire? You need to choose whether having offspring or staying with your husband is more important to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): My husband is 40, I'm 31 and we're having our first. I assume by the third he might be 44. Haha. Kids are a blessing no matter what age. He might not see all his grandkids, but he's going to be a wonderful father and amazing husband. It is what it is. Life isn't perfect. Talk to your husband, be a little pushy - he needs to know how much he might lose if he doesn't want a baby.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time. 'Our relationship is really good and strong and I cannot imagine life without him.'This sums it up really. You can't imagine your life without him and he doesn't want kids. There's your decision.I can only imagine how hard it will be for him to talk about it but find out exactly why he doesn't want kids. I mean, he got excited last time you were expecting right?A morally dubious alternative and risky thing to do would be to get pregnant by him anyway. I'm guessing he hasn't had a vasectomy and it is very much possible to 'accidentally' get pregnant if you really wanted to.It depends on what you think his reaction to you being pregnant would be. It might be the case that he's too scared to go down that route again but if it happened he'd be pleased. It also depends on whether you want to take that risk of losing him because you might drive a wedge between you two and make him lose his trust in you... As for your mutual friend - I would say stay away from him. Feign being ill or make any excuse... But stay away from him so that you do not feed this temptation. You know you are a desperate woman, your hormones are raging and he is definitely interested in you so take the precaution of not spending any time alone with him until you don't have these thoughts anymore. You would rather break the friendship with him that risk ruining your relationship with your husband.Best wishes
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Hmm, it might not help too much but you probably should talk with him again about the baby issue. Does he know how much you want this? Does he care? Why does he think he is too old? etc. all these questions should be asked just so you know where he stands excactly in the subject. And you have a right to get these answers, since you both plan to keep this marriage going. Don't push things too much at the begining of this talk, you don't want to start a fight with your other half but stand firmly your ground. Maybe he hasn't realised how important this is to you. If he still doesn't want to try for a child after you talk and he doesn't have a real reason for it, just doesn't wanna have children with you (i don't really think that is the carsse) you should ask yourself a very important question. Be with him and accept the fact that you will not have children or find another solution. Don't cheat on him of course, that will only make you feel worst, but if your need for motherhood is heavier than your need to be with this man, you could get a divorce maybe and become a single mom. But, do you think this will be worth it?... i mean, would you be willing to lose the one you love for a child you didn't even want up until now?... it's all up to you and your needs, but please whatever you do, think it through and try to use your logic, don't let your hormones make decisions for you... take care
...............................
|
