A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I've never been so desperate in all my life!My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years now. I love him with all my heart and he feels the same about me.I'm halfway through 30 now and more than anything, I yearn to start a family. I thought we were always on the same page about wanting kids, but ever since I first started talking about "feeling ready" two years ago, I've seen nothing but the look of fear and dread on my partner's face.Once your biological clock starts ticking, it's impossible to suppress the feelings or turn it off! Now, I see babies everywhere. Everyone around me my age (and younger) are having babies.. well that's how it looks to me (in my current mindset). I see children everywhere I go. I'm almost tempted to start shutting myself away so I don't have to see all these happy families. It's like a knife through the heart and a crippling fear it'll never happen for me :(My partner and I haven't had much of a sex life over the years. We started off hot and heavy for the first few years, but I had an issue, which made sex painful and required a small operation. So sex to us isn't the same as other couples. We learnt to adapt and don't tend to have sex often. Because we've never had a thrilling sexlife, we don't know what we're missing, if you know what I mean.Anyway, the past couple of months we've been TTC. My partner has never had any issues getting an erection or climaxing. The only issue we had with our sexlife was that it was painful for me and that used to make sex an unpleasant thing in general, with him watching me in discomfort.. it's kind of a mood killer.Anyway, now that we're TTC and I can have sex pain-free, he's developed this problem where he can't climax. We will go for an hour, and nothing. I can't hide my frustration, which only makes it all worse. I can't imagine how horrible it'd be seeing me get upset over something like that. But I can't stop myself from bursting into tears. I have irregular cycles so if I miss an ovulation time, I need to wait six more weeks for the next.. and he's only agreed to try three months out of the past two years, despite my counting down the minutes each cycle.. it's a sad way of life right now.I've wanted to start a family for two years now and I feel I've been patient. My partner says "Ok, fine, I give in.. we can try." But it's not exactly convincing. Then when we HAVE sex, nothing happens! He maintains an erection, but I don't know whether he's deliberately stopping himself from climaxing, or whether it's performance anxiety.. seen as we don't have sex often so it's clear when we do, it's to make a baby.I am really beside myself right now. The self pity side of me says.. WHY does this have to be so complicated for me when other people seem to make babies with ease?!What can I do to change this situation? I feel like just walking away, which is an irrational thought, because I love my partner with all my heart.. but I have never felt so frustrated, so alone and so hurt. I can't explain the loneliness you feel when you're the only one in a relationship truly yearning for parenthood.I have absolute faith my partner will make a wonderful father once the baby was born.. it's just an impossible feat to get to that point. I am deathly afraid it'll never ever happen.Please help.
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (8 June 2013):
 You have a few options here. You can leave him and find some other guy who is interested in starting a family. Or you can just wait and see what happens with this guy (he might change his mind at some point). Or you can give him an ultimatum. (Not sure how ultimatum is spelt).
Tell him that he has two months to make a decision, and if he decides not to have kids, or says he needs more time to think about it, then it just "wasn't meant to be" with this guy.
You can still be a mother. But time is running out. You will have to give him two months to decide. Be practical. Frank.
Adios.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): " I thought we were always on the same page about wanting kids, but ever since I first started talking about "feeling ready" two years ago, I've seen nothing but the look of fear and dread on my partner's face."
It sounds like he thought he wanted children, but he has been having second thoughts for the past two years.
If you can't have an open, honest, and communicative discussion with him about this truly serious issue in your relationship, you need to fihure put why you can't. Then, you need to decide if you can work through it or go seperate ways.
It is not fair to call this man your partner when you can't hear what he is telling you because your biological clock is drowning put the sound of rational, reasonable, and logical thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): If it's performance anxiety maybe start by giving a blow job / hand job so that he's completely relaxed and then he can enter you when he's about to come?
It might also help to relieve the pressure on him if you start being more sexually intimate ( you don't always have to have penetration to give each other pleasure) not necessarily to get pregnant.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 June 2013):
 Maybe YOU are trying to conceive (is that what TTC means?) but perhaps your partner is not really interested in becoming a father.
I understand, your biological alarm clock has sounded and now won't stop ringing. The thing is that you can't force fatherhood on him if he's not ready.
Maybe it's time to have a real discussion about this, a counselor may be a good mediator, as you are pushing really hard for something to which he seems averse.
I don't blame him for not being able to climax, it's a bit like his role has devolved to sperm donor and you aren't taking his wishes into account. He doesn't want to make a baby. You do.
If you are truly desperate to have a baby, you could remove him from the equation, break up and find a sperm bank with a good track record, and conceive on your own.
Again, this comes down to your pressuring him for something he's not prepared to do right now. I understand, you are 30 and your eggs aren't getting any younger. It's time to do this soon, but perhaps work this through with a counselor before turning this man into a father against his wishes. Fear and dread on his face all the time? Poor guy.
Don't get me wrong, poor you, too, your desire to be a mother is also natural and normal and you should get to be one. It may just be that it won't be with this particular man. You've been together for 1/3 of your life, you selected him when you were in your late teens. Maybe he isn't really the match for you? Maybe you have grown to a point and he's never going to reach that point with you?
So, get to a counselor. Talk it through. You will have some tough decisions to make, I think. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): well, first things first.... does he really want a child? i know it's not something a biological clock "cares" about and it's not an easy question since you really want a child, but if he is just "giving in" i don't think it's gonna go well... A child should be born into this world (when it's by choice) while both parents want it. if he doesn't or just isn't ready yet, he might have the potential to be a great dad but he has strong chances that he won't see this child as the little miracle you both made but as pressure and something that ties him down instead. So, i think the first thing you should do is have a heart to heart with him about what he wants in his life right now and try to not talk about your need to be a mother at all. he knows that by now... just try to think of his needs too. and your baby's needs. because that child will need and deserve BOTH parents wanting it to be born, when they are together...
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