A
female
age
30-35,
*urplestar
writes:I'm in a position now where I am stuck. I really need some help with my situation, so those who can offer some, don't hold back. I am currently dating the most wonderful man I've ever known. We've been talking for more than a year, dating for about 8 months, and serious for about 6 months. We have a connection that is both undeniable and rare. We are best friends but incredible lovers. We love each other in a way a lot of people will never know. I have no doubt we are each other's soulmates. The catch is he's 29 and I'm 17. Sure, some of you may be thinking so? And, obviously, some of you are considering the controversy of our age difference. In our world, there is no age. I read on this site someone's theory on older men pursuing younger girls was the 19-19 rule. Meaning a more mature teen and a more immature older man can level out on the same emotional level. But I also don't feel this applies to our relationship. Sure, I would consider myself mature, in aspects, for my age. He would consider himself, in aspects, immature for his age. But when we're together the age just doesn't exist. So what's the problem then?Well first and foremost, we have to keep our relationship a secret from almost everyone around us. Why? Because he is the brother of a guy who used to be my best friend and is also my age. His brother, his brother's friends, and the rest of his family and mine are the people who can't find out about our relationship, at least not now. Excluding some of his friends and a few of mine no one knows about us. We live in a relatively smaller suburb and news can travel fast if ya know what I mean. The exclusion of our relationship prevents us from doing normal couple things. We very rarely will go to dinner, we never go to the movies, we don't take trips, we don't go to the mall, we don't go get coffee, we can't even go to the movie store to rent a movie. This is beginning to wear on me. I enjoy the idea of secrecy sometimes, it can be exciting, but it's starting to lose its excitement. It's also beginning to damage my self-esteem. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me and he is ashamed of me. We've talked about this numerous times and he assures me that he isn't ashamed and he does this because he loves me. He says he doesn't want anything ruining our relationship so we can't take any risks. But I just feel like a book on a shelf.Another problem is I'm going off to college in the fall. I'm only going about 2 and a half hours away, but I plan to leave here with the intentions of staying away. He says he is going to come visit me, but due to legal conflicts, he won't have his license for a couple years. He can take a train, which he says he will, and I can come here, but I have my doubts. We only have 2 more months together, but I can't bear to lose him. He wants me to have the full college experience and even considers sacrificing us so I can have that. I just don't know what to do. Age does sometimes play into part. We are at completely different places in life and sometimes we want two different things from each other. Right now I want a boyfriend out of him, you know someone who values you and shows you they do by taking you out, surprising you, giving you gifts, calling just to see how you are, that sort of thing. He wants a partnership. He needs me. He needs me to support him, talk him through his problems, be there for him, be a friend in need, hold his hand, that sort of thing. I feel like next year I may need more of a partner out of him, but now I want a boyfriend. Am I being selfish? I know you can't have your cake and eat it too, and I also know that with love you have to make sacrifices. I don't know I need help.One more problem. Lately, he has been having to deal with his legal issues and they have seemed to have been manifested onto our relationship. When he is angry, it gets taken out on me. When he is frustrated, I just seem to frustrate him more, but I'm just trying to understand. It's not fair to me. He says you take things out on the ones you love the most but I just don't see it that way. We have been arguing a lot lately, a lot more than usual and way too much in my opinion. He says we argue because we love each other and it shouldn't scare me. Sometimes when he gets really angry, I get scared. I know he would never hit me, and I mean that, but his tone of voice and just knowing that he's talking to me like that, scares me. I want our relationship to stop being so intense and just be more mellow, but I also want to know that our love is as true and deep as we know it to be. We're perfect for each other, so I want to do anything to preserve us.I have to figure out what to do fast. I feel lost.
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best friend, immature, older man, older men, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, purplestar +, writes (3 July 2009):
purplestar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the advice. i have been taking it all into consideration. we have been seeing each other less and the intensity has lessened. we're trying to have more fun together and cherish the time we have together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): A relationship that requires this much work on your part to keep it together is not a healthy relationship for you. It is a myth that relationships involve all kinds of sacrifice to keep it going. Healthy relationships are based on how well each partners needs are being met. You aren't getting your needs met and your boyfriend doesn't seem to be willing to meet you on your terms, you are the one doing all the giving and sacrificing.
You don't want to "fuse" with your partner. You have two seperate identities, you are two whole people with qualities and needs that were there before you met the other one and if you don't fit you don't fit...even if it is only an issue of timing, that is enough to end the relationship.
You are young, you have your whole life and education and career ahead of you, why limit yourself to the first relationship that you think has a future? More than likely it does not have a future and you are holding onto it out of insecurity and fear perhaps
I don't have to "understand the situation" to tell that this is not a healthy relationship for you....but you will do the same thing as you have been because you have your mind made up that relationships require a great deal of sacrifice or they aren't "real" and "deep". You couldn't be more wrong, sorry.
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A
female
reader, purplestar +, writes (13 June 2009):
purplestar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am hurt, but I don't think you are understanding the situation. I know he doesn't want to or mean to hurt me. We're just emotionally on two different levels but I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know how to be in a relationship on his terms, but it seems he doesn't know how to on my terms. How can we fuse together? I want to make this work because I believe in us and I see a future, but right now it just seems so hard. It's so hard
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Well, I don't think you are being honest with yourself or you would not have said all the negative things about how this situation makes you feel. That you get scared of him when he is angry, that he makes you feel unappreciated and like a book on a shelf and that it is everyone else that is closeminded and that there is nothing but "love" between the two of you. You are a young impressionable, emotionally vulnerable young girl and all you see is love, where I see a slick manipulator who is pulling the wool over your eyes and making sure you trust him so that he can get away with something he knows your family and the law would not approve of. This speaks volumes about this man's character and I think you are the one who needs to be concerned about wasting your youth and not finding out who you are and what you like and keeping your self esteem in tact because this relationship is damaging to you in your own words, not mine.
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A
female
reader, purplestar +, writes (12 June 2009):
purplestar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo you're not right about all that! I don't think you understand it's not just him insisting we are a secret it's both of our agreement. Sure I complain about it but if we were completely open about our relationship, then we wouldn't be together. My parents aren't open-minded at all and wouldn't understand. I would lose most all my friends, except a few. His family might disown him. It's just the reality we have to accept that we can't openly be a couple for the time being. As I stated, when I go to college we won't have to be a secret anymore. Eventually, if we make it, I will be able to tell my parents when I am a little bit older so it isn't as taboo. He doesn't keep me from everyone, his closest friends and a lot of people he associates with know about me, Same for me and he knows some of my friends just as I know some of his,I don't really understand how he is controlling me, maybe you could better explain? He doesn't control who I see. He has never tried to keep me from doing anything or enjoying my teenage years. I still hang out with my friends enough that anyone who doesn't know about him isn't suspicious. And one more thing, when I said he is willing to sacrifice us for my experience in college, that's indefinite. We've talked about it a few times, but not many because both or one of us will get too sad. He wants me to know that he doesn't want to prevent me from having the best time I can. We've never finalized what our plans are, but we are both are going to try as hard as we can to sustain. The only reason he said he would sacrifice us is because he doesn't want to ruin my youth? you know my years of dating around, seeing what i like, having fun. How do you not understand that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): For the record, epilepsy laws vary from state to state. Drivers may have to be seizure free for anywhere from six months, as stated by rhythmandblues2, to two years, as suggested by the OP. These time periods may in some cases be further extended and some people who have seizures that are frequent enough and severe enough never regain their license at all.
In other words, both of you may be correct "for your state" provided you don't live in the same U.S. state (and you probably don't). Since we don't know the detailed medical history of the OP's boyfriend, however, it's silly to try and tell her she's wrong about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): In order to be in this relationship you have to keep it a secret.
In order to be in this relationship he controls you, he controls what you do and who you can see and you have to accept his way or no way to keep it secret.
(He is controlling and he is keeping you isolated and under his control whether you see it that way or not that is what this is and it will only get worse not better).
He is hurting your self esteem, you feel he is ashamed of you and he doesn't appreciate you, you are a "book on a shelf".
He is manipulative. He says he will give the relationship up so that you can go to college. (This is like saying, when and if you leave me to go to college that will be the end of us). You are worried you will lose him and you only have two months before school.
He takes out his personal problems and anger on you and gets more frustrated the more you try to "fix" his problems.
You confuse a boyfriend and a partner as two different things. It is a one sided relationship, he gets love and emotional support from you, and you get his anger and frustration and isolation is the name of the game if you want to be together.
He is irresponsible. He does not learn from his mistakes or he would not have more than one DUI driving offense.
He invalidates you by telling you that you should not be scared.
One of the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship is that you fear your partner and your partner's anger.
He is more than 10 years older than you and you are legally a minor and he is having sex with you.
He has to hide you from his family and yours and gives you a bogus excuse that your friend is his brother, yeah, so....he knows they would not approve, especially your family and he is keeping you from telling them, he is seperating you from people who love you and taking away your trust in them and the belief that they don't know what is best for you, he does.
That is how I am sure about him..
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A
female
reader, purplestar +, writes (11 June 2009):
purplestar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe you're right but how do you know you're right about him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Well, if you ask for advice and tell your story you have to be prepared for someone else to tell you what they see what they know and it may not be what you want to hear. I am sorry that you equate empathy with holding your hand and agreeing with you when perhaps empathy is not what you need but a dose of reality.
There is no reason in my mind or from what you describe as the reason he keeps your relationship secret other than he is breaking the law being your lover and he has broken the law at least twice drinking and driving and driving without a license. This all points to his deceitful character and his lack of responsibility which does not make him the most wonderful of men. He is older than you and he is better at manipulation than you are and now his manipulation and anger is wearing on your self esteem and keeping you under his control.
This does not sound like a soul mate to me, but a guy who is using you for emotional support and a whipping post to take out his frustrations on due to problems he has brought on himself and for incredible love making with an underage girl who is too smart to be allowing herself to be subjugated in this way.
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A
female
reader, purplestar +, writes (11 June 2009):
purplestar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell you're right and we both know all of that and he hasn't lied to me about it. I would appreciate if you would stop assuming a lot of things about our relationship and in particular negative things about him. But he has had it taken away for more than 6 months because he has had 3 car crashes due to seizures. His license was taken away before his conviction. I know you are trying to help and I appreciate it but the point of this site is to gain helpful insight for understanding and empathetic people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I know something about this. His doctor would not take his driver's license away because he is epileptic.
He lost his driver's license because of the DWI or DUI, he had community service and probation on top of losing his license. The fact that it was his second offense meant he had to do some community service and lost his license for an additional two years.
The only thing that happens with driving and epilepsy, depending on the state that you live in, if someone has a major seizure then they are not to drive until seizure free for six months, not for the two years that you state he will be without a license, so he may be lying to you about the length he can't drive due to epilepsy. I am sure if he is on medication, that he is doing OK with that or you would have mentioned otherwise.
My ex is an epileptic and I went through this same seizure and driving issue with him, I dated him for two years and he did not lose his license due to epilepsy except for 6 months after he was diagnosed after a seizure, since he has been on medication, he has not had a major seizure in the past year, suffers from very mild simple partial seizures on occassion, but medication keeps him from going into a full blown seizure.
It may not be "all over" if he continues to drink and drive or ever drives without his license. One more DUI or DWI and he is a Felon if he isn't already, try getting a great job with that on his record.
His legal issues are no excuse for keeping you hidden. He is breaking the law being with you in a sexual way, period.
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A
female
reader, purplestar +, writes (11 June 2009):
purplestar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso one more thing that may need to be clarified is concerning the legal issues. He was convicted of one DUI and one DWI. He spent a week in jail for one and community service and probation for the other. He payed his fines and is off supervised probation. He is also currently completing his community service so once he is finished with all of that, it will all be over. He has his license taken away because he is epileptic and has had it taken away by his doctor.
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A
female
reader, purplestar +, writes (11 June 2009):
purplestar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow that second comment was a little harsh, but I don't know if you're right about everything. My man has had legal issues and you were right on about them, but he no longer drinks. He went through some bad periods in his late twenties but they were all before I met him. I know you think I'm naive and I think I can change him, but I'm not. I actually know I can't change him because only he can change himself. He has though, he's trying to go back to school, he's setting up job possibilities and he isn't held back really by any drugs or alcohol. Although, I do think that if I wasn't in his life, he wouldn't be in a positive place. After I turn 18, in less than 2 months, our age won't factor in and next year and thereafter we won't have to be a secret anymore. What are any opinions on this? I just wanted to follow up and maybe clarify some points that weren't clear.
p.s. He's taking me out to an actual date on Friday!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): He already has legal issues, can't drive, and is now illegally involved with a minor? No offence, this guy has serious problems. Make sure he doesn't convince you to stay and put off college to help him with his problems. If he has trouble with the law and likes secret relationships, then his need for secrecy isn't going to end once you turn 18, he'll just find other secret things to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): I meant, that is my "gut" not my guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Hi, I know this is not what you are going to want to hear, but here goes. Yes, you sound quite mature for a 17 year old, but I also think you are very naive and are being mislead by a slick older guy.
First off he is 29 and you are not of legal age. He could be arrested as a sexual predator in the US and his name would go on a national register of sex offenders. He is breaking the law by having sexual relations with you, and I am assuming that is what is going on when you say your love is a deep one.
He is 29 and does not have a driver's license, which tells me he is a drinker and probably lost it due to at least one DUI or driving without insurance. This tells me that he does not have trouble breaking the law and feels he is pretty "special".
If he is keeping you secret from his brother and family and all of his friends and your friends there are reasons for that. He is also pushing you to have the college experience and is willing to give "us" up for you to have that. What a lot of bull shit, sorry. The guy is a liar and he is doing something he knows is wrong on so many levels and he has you beleiving he has your best interests at heart, when really he is a selfish piece of garbage.
I am sorry, but I don't believe that you are going to see this turn out to be the "relationship" he is selling you. If he really loved you, if he weren't breaking the law, he wouldn't be hiding you from any one including his brother who is your friend, too. People would just have to accept your relationship because he would be commited to it and to you first and foremost, but he is not. He is self serving and protecting himself and getting what he wants because that is who he is. A law breaker and a user and a self centered immature jerk.
I say get your life in order, get to college and start dating some guys at school. There are going to be so many single guys your own age at school who are not jaded, or law breakers or users, but who may actually be looking for you to settle down with someday or who will not hide you at the very least and take you out on some real dates.
College will be the time of your life. Please don't sacrifice your very own love life for a guy who can't be a real man and be able to give you a real relationship with dates, and friends and family that you will be a part of.
This guy is too old for you at this stage of your life and he knows it. He sounds like a con artist and I think he is dangerous for you to be around...that is my guy and I am more than twice your age and I know a rat when I smell one.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (10 June 2009):
 Well sweetheart with all this secrecy and his legal issues going on you are dealing with a heck of a lot right now.
Yes you have two more months together but in my opinion - you are not actually together, you can't BE together and react like any other couple because of the whole secrecy thing.
If you truly want to spend time together then you could take a trip together away from your local area and spend some quality time together, even by train and meeting up at a different station so that you go separately if this is all so much of an issue.
By spending some quality time together before you leave for college you could go out and have a meal or go to the movies etc, just one weekend alone but together.
If this is not possible then I am afraid you need to be a little selfish and put your own needs first and your future as your priority. Yes it is true that when we are upset we do tend to take it out on those closest to us but considering you are not able to be around one another that much this really should not be so much of an issue as you cannot be together in your home town, you can't ring one another etc you can't go out for a meal so the time you do get together should not be full of arguments.
I think that even though the age gap is not an issue when you are together, he has his current legal issues he is dealing with and you need to be able to go to college and just enjoy the whole experience like he says. The test of your relationship will come if he does decide to visit you, what is the point of you coming back home and then not being able to spend time with him. As you are only 17 I am guessing it is a legal issue because you are under the age of consent in the US? Am I right.
Anyway, do consider that your future is important to you and yes there will be more than one man in your life so don't throw everything away on this guy if he is not prepared to meet you half way as such.
Start planning your future and it is up to him to decide whether he wants to put anything in place over the next couple of months, but plan your time at college and starting making preparations for that, if he doesn't like it then don't be swayed by him, enjoy your future and you may think differently when you are actually at college and you will see how much effort he puts into your relationship - it can't all come from you, he has to put 50% in to.
Good luck and keep us posted.
BFN
Country Woman
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