A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI'm a 23 year old guy from the UK and I've just had the worst couple of days of my life. I haven't slept, I can't eat and all I can think about are the awful things that I found out the other day and that are still unfolding.As ever this is about a girl. I'll try not to take up too many column inches :)I've known her for about 5 years. We always got on really well and had a definite chemistry, although nothing ever happened because she had a long term boyfriend since she was 17. We lost touch for a while but she suddenly reappeared in my life last Halloween. She told me that she'd split up with her boyfriend and was striking out on her own for the first time in her life.I started seeing her more regularly and we got on really well. After a couple of dates we slept together, which is something I think we both wanted for a long time.Afterwards we were honest with each other. She told me that the last thing she wanted right now was a boyfriend doting on her. She'd felt her whole life that she needed somebody to look after her but for the first time she wanted to prove to herself that that wasn't true. She needed time to be alone and to look after herself.Respecting that I tried to keep my distance somewhat. I didn't want to put any pressure on her, but I made clear my romantic intentions and let her know that I would be there for her when she needed me. I didn't see her at all over the Christmas period, the next time I saw her was a couple of days ago. We were never an item so I was somewhat expecting her to have had a fling or two in the meantime, and I had the patience to let her be free and single since that's what she needed. But what she told me shocked me and left me deeply upset.She told me how a couple of weeks after we last saw each other she'd started seeing somebody else. A guy she met at work who doted on her, told her how much he loved her and within days was putting pressure on her to move in with him. She told me he was so intense that it scared her, because that's exactly what she was trying to avoid, but she lives for the moment and let herself get swept away somewhat.He even said that he wanted her to have his children, and in the middle of December (probably after a couple of drinks) they had unprotected sex several times. Now she is 3 weeks late on her period and terrified that she is pregnant.On the one hand I'm sad for selfish reasons, that for the past few weeks I have been thinking about her and trying to do the right thing, while she has been seeing some other guy. I'm annoyed at this guy for not respecting her body and for clearly not understanding what it is that she wants right now. I'm sad because if she is pregnant then that surely means we will never be together.On the other hand I'm sad for her. She's wound up in an awful situation, where somehow exactly what she didn't want is what she's now got. She's had a troubled upbringing, with an absent father and broken family. She's suffered from eating disorders on and off her whole life and is a very vulnerable person.(As an example this is why she split up with her long term boyfriend: At age 17, with all sorts of family trouble she turned to him and asked him to look after her. He did so for 5 years, though the relationship was never perfect. That was until last summer when she found out a horrible secret about her family. I won't go into detail but will say that it was awful and she was very upset. When she told her boyfriend though he wasn't interested, he was too busy with work. She told me that for several nights she lay in bed next to him crying and shaking with fear, but not once did he try to comfort her. That's when she realized that he'd stopped looking after her and that she needed to start looking after herself.)I think what most upsets me is how you can do what you think is the right thing for somebody, only to wind up not getting what you want in the end.I'm not quite sure what my question is, I guess it's what should I do? Am I a fool for still hoping there's a chance for us? Have I been a fool for not pursuing her from the start? I understand that the main concern right now has to be for her well being, but how do I make it clear to her that this guy she's been seeing is exactly what she doesn't need right now?Thanks for any help
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at work, be pregnant, christmas, might be pregnant, period, sex with another, split up, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): you are not her resuer. you feel sad for yourself and for her. she made her choices and she needs to understand the conseqoences. i think your understanding nature will better suited to someone else. you deserve a woman who will remain true to her word. this girl will become a toxic thorn in your flesh, always being needy .she wants a protector and it is not your job to protect her if she chooses not to protect herself.sorry you may think i am too harsh but this person has issues that will drag you down as well. no good deed goes unpunished. you may care for her, want to be with her, but she will drain you, exhaust you, and want pity from you. in the end, she will take, take, take from you and will be incapable of having a proper relationship.let her figure out what he wants/needs to do in her life.you, you run for the hills and enjoy your life. this one is very problematic, best stay away from her. no mater how genuine your intentions are, she is toxic!LoveGirl
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (9 January 2011):
 You just need to be supportive of her. Reassure her that you will be there for her if she needs to talk. You've tried not to put any pressure on her, and continue to do so. She should realise that you just want to be there for her, offer to take her to the doctors if she can't get there or if she's scared. Offer comfort when she freaks out and a shoulder to cry on if she's upset. Urge her to take a pregnancy test and tell her you'll support her whatever the outcome. Good luck
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