A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I used to think my boyfriend was perfect. I know no one can be perfect, but perfect for ME specifically. We have been together in a very serious relationship now for approximately 7 months. We've had fights and problems our entire time together, but still we remain because we love each other dearly and can't stand the thought of breaking up and being apart. He has had many relationships before me, so he has experience; he is my first boyfriend. Now that you have some background information on our relationship, let me tell you our most recent problem. We were talking on the phone to each other today just a few hours ago, and he was being a little hard on me about something. I am very sensitive, so I took it really bad and felt awful while talking to him. He could tell I was down about something, but couldn't tell what. I told him that he was being mean to me earlier, and he hurt my feelings. He apoligized like it was no big deal and told me he had to go (which he really did). I was close to crying as he said 'bye' to me, because not only was he mean before, he was blowing this off like it was nothing; he really hurt my feelings. How can I get through to him that he hurt me, without making him feel like a bad boyfriend to me. Whenever I bring up something that upsets me he says something like "we're not going to make it, you know. We're going to eventually break up because I'm bad to you" And on top of that, I was talking to his best friend and he told me to "be good to him; he deserves it" It's true, my boyfriend deserves to be good to. But so do I. How do we treat each other well and make this relationship work? We love each other so much and don't want to let go of each other. How can we stay together?
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female
reader, anaphaseii  +, writes (20 June 2010):
How can someone who cannot listen to you without turning it around on you be perfect for you? Have you that little self respect? This isn't perfect for you -- this is you having little self confidence.
I'm sure you don't do this, but just for repetition's sake, I'll say: don't carry a judgmental tone when you talk to him. Pick a good time to sit with him and say that the way he handles things when you are hurt and want to communicate with him is really upsetting you. That you need him to be humble for a second and not make things about him -- like how he must not be a good boyfriend and how you'll eventually end things because of his actions... Assure him that's not the case at all. You just want to make your relationship better so that you WILL stay together longer.
If he doesn't understand this or if he's unable to put it to practice, I'm afraid you'll either have to resign yourself to a relationship where you can't express a bit of discontentment OR you'll have to cut him loose. My advice would be the latter because I can tell you you can do SO much better than this. A good relationship means open communication, TRUST, and many other things that don't seem to be present here. Can you work on it? Sure, but only if he can get over his immaturity.
I wish you the best of luck.
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