A
female
age
36-40,
*ightningrod
writes:My love life is beyond complicated. My last serious relationship lasted roughly 2-3 yrs, the last year of which I lived with the guy. After a year of living together he asked me to move out. I can't explain how awful I felt, having to recollect my entire life it almost felt like a divorce. And I really got my heart broken. In fact, I haven't really been able to open up totally since I find myself doubting all the time. It has been almost a year since the breakup and even though weve been out with other people we always find ourselves gravitating back toward eachother. We work together, which makes it impossible for us to just move on completly. We both loves our jobs. Everyone is warning me that if we get back together we are just settling. I know we love eachother we just arent "in love". Im afraid Im settling to be dating him. It's not that theres anything even wrong with him i just think i could find someone that actually loves me unconditionally. Or is that sort of thing only reserved for fairly tales?
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 I think that you could do better.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 I seem to be using this quote quite a lot at the moment but I am going to bring it out once again!
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin
First things first, that quote should explain the difference between "love" and "being in love". They are 2 different things but ultimately they are related. Because the "in love" part is like the "honeymoon" period, when everything seems wonderful and it is filled with passion and excitement. Too many people these days expect that feeling to last and when it goes, people are so quick to jump ship because they are not "in love" anymore. Surely love itself means more than being in love? I think your problem is you are in love with the idea of being in love, and the reality of real life, day to day love just isnt as exciting as being in love.
You are right, you are living in a fairy tale. There is no such thing as unconditional love in a relationship - if you are waiting around for that then you will wait forever. Unconditional love means that you will love that person for ever, regardless of what happens in life. That is true for family - in most situations you will love your family no matter what they do in their lives. Just as a mother will always love her child, regardless of what that child does or goes on to become.
Whereas romantic love has conditions - cheating, lying, abuse....the list goes on. If any one of those situations occur in a romantic relationship, then the love goes. Therefore romantic love cannot ever be described as unconditional because there are conditions to your love based on that other person's behaviour.
So I hope that clarifies that issue! You have the same fantasy about love that many people have, and that is not your fault; it is just the way society and the media have made us think about love.
In that quote above, I love the metaphor where the two people in the relationship are trees, and if your roots (as in your lives) become so entwined then you can never see yourself with another because you have become one. That is what love should be - nothing fancy, nothing overtly romantic. Just good old fashioned companionship, friendship and respect for each other.
You can find sparks and fireworks with anyone, but to find someone that will be there for you for the rest of your life and will be your friend as well as your lover, that is rare.
If you think you have found that with your ex, then you are by no means settling. But if you can picture life without him, and you dont feel like he is your best friend then maybe he is not the right man for you.
My main concern is that he was the one to ask you to move out, he ended the relationship. So I'm not sure if you should go back to someone that would do that to you - what were his reasons for breaking up with you? You definately dont want to be the one he "settles" for, because then you would be constantly worried that me might leave again at any time when something better comes along.
I understand that you work together and you love your job, but can you not do your job anywhere else? Surely there must be other companies you can do the same job at? I strongly believe that if you are serious about moving on and getting your love life back on track, then you will find a new job. It depends what you want more - do you want to move on and eventually find a new man and be happy? Or do you want to stay in your job but sacrifice your love life? Because it seems like where you are now, you cannot have both while he is still in your life.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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