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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm 24 years old and I am still living at home with my parents, which is crazy in itself.My sister has been anorexic for 4 years now and for the first 3 years, I stayed living at home thinking I may possibly be able to reach out to my sister. I can honestly admit that for the past year, it's just that I've had a fear of the unknown.Her mental illness has torn our family apart and wittled me down into nothing. I feel emotionally weak and fragile. This entire situation has depressed me because no matter how hard I've tried to educate my parents on what's been happening to my sister and the damage she could be causing to her body, they have continued to ignore me and go through life with their heads in the sand. What was once a semi-normal household with all the usual dramas has become a crazy asylum! I would like people's opinions on what is actually happening, because I'm sitting here typing this, feeling terrified of life and questioning my own sanity! I have been pushed SO far by my family.As my sister grew sicker and sicker my parents begun to change. When they FINALLY accepted (after being warned by a number of doctors) that my sister was on death's door.. they EVENTUALLY tried to help, but I personally think it's too late.. years of damage have been done. My sister has changed physically, mentally and emotionally. She is like an entirely different person.. she has no conscience, no morals.. she is only ever out for what she can take from people! She is supposedly recovering now, as she's gained her weight back.. but this illness has left her a manic depressive. She has such dramatic mood swings going from absolute mania.. jumping around the house talking jibberish to spending days in her room wanting nothing to do with anyone. I have ridden the waves of her mood swings for many years now.. the entire time thinking that there will be SOME way I can reach out to her. My family seems to always have to have someone to HATE and take out their frustration against and until this year, it's always been my father that's copped it.. but things have suddenly changed.. it's not me. What also stopped me from leaving home all those years was worrying about what would happen to my dad if I wasn't there to be the peacemaker. I felt like my sister and mother would have given him a heart attack!Despite the fact I consider myself a kind, honest and selfless person.. (too selfless).. the family have started placing all their emotional baggage onto me. My sister regularly steals money from my parents, lies, takes drugs and quits her meds and therapy cold turkey.. yet she can do no wrong in my parent's eyes. I take care of everything around the house and keep things running, while they pamper and dote on my sister's every whim. I am used to living this way but what I can't stand is how the dynamic has changed in the past year. My sister and mother used to team together and gang up on my father for having "caused" my sister's illness by not being as supportive as he should have.. but suddenly this year, my parents have joined forces and decided it's all my fault. I am regularly told off for a variety of reasons that are so petty it seems just completely insane! The latest one being that I told someone that knew my sister that we were related. I was told by my parents never to admit this in public as my sister hates me and does not want to be associated with me.After a fight like this, my initial reaction is to seperate myself from the situation. I'm unable to leave home at the moment, as my contract for work has recently finished and I'm out looking for another job.. so what I do is stay out of the house as much as possible and seek support in my boyfriend and friends. My family yell at me and tell me to get on with my life and when I distance myself, I get in trouble for it or they start telling me off for shutting them out! Push pull push pull.. it's driving me crazy! The problem is when this happens, I immediately forgive and forget and a day later I'm distraught again after another non-sensical fight where I've been falsly accused of some REDICULOUS thing.. like looking at my sister when I should know never to make eye contact!The paranoia and the crazyness is tearing me apart inside.. but the problem is that I keep getting sucked back into it again. It's like the rubber band effect or something.. I don't know what you call it. But why do my parents accuse me of rediculous things and treat me as if I'm a criminal.. I withdraw and they come crawling back.. ONLY a day later to do it again. Are they consciously playing power games with me?All I can think of is that when I'm ignoring them, I have the power not to let them hurt me.. yet when I forgive.. I'm opening myself up to take on their baggage again. I'm not a psychologist.. so I have trouble understanding this!Without sounding conceited, I am a FANTASTIC daughter. I have never told a lie, honest, very fit and active, a high achiever and a selfless giver and people pleaser. My boyfriend just tries to tell me my family is a bunch of nutters.. and he's probably right because he DOES have a psych degree.Has anyone been through this or can anyone help me understand why this is happening to me? It's as if all the frustration once taken out on my father transferred onto me.. and now I'm supposedly the reason for all the problems in my sister's life. All I have ever done is try and help and put my whole life aside in the process. I would've done anything to try and save my sister's life. My family take holidays without me, keep important secrets from me, exclude me from anything relevant.. basically they're telling me in every kind of way that I'm no longer a member of their family.. but when I work at distancing myself.. they become all nice as pie.. only for the same ol thing to take place.Please help. I'm sure by reading this you can tell I feel like I'm going crazy! I can't take anymore of this and I'm currently contemplating completely WIPING them from my life.. I feel at this point that may be the only way I'll ever be able to regain some normality!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Thanks everyone for your compassion and honest advice. This website is brilliant!
Jm81690 suggested I go to therapy, which is great advice.. thanks. I have booked myself into see someone.
You may be surprised I haven't thought of that before, but it's been drummed into me for years that it's not MY problem.. it's my SISTER going through it. I'm only now accepting that anorexia can damage an entire home, not just the person who has the disorder.
Thanks for your heartfelt advice everyone, it's really helped me decide that getting out and cutting ties is the best thing. Tasteofindia, you were saying I should send my sister a letter regularly, which is a sweet thought.. but she would just rip it up. This is the same girl who I have overheard saying she is going to stab me. I have gone to bed plenty of nights frightened for my life but confused at the same time because I'm afraid of my own family hurting me. Not such a foreign concept I know, but they were great parents to me when I was a kid. I just have to accept they're not the same people anymore.. and my sister as well.
Thanks so much everyone! It's great to know there are some people out there that understand :O)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I would not even try to maintain contact for fear of being punished for caring. get out of there, no one deserves abuse.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (9 December 2007):
 Hey there,
It sounds like you definitely need to get out of the house. I'm not saying you need to ditch your family and drop them out of your life... I'm saying, you don't have to live there. Become an independent woman and start taking some concern with yourself. With your family, it sounds like you don't have that much time for yourself... how could you when you have so much insanity 24/7??
You need to go out, get yourself a decently paying job (if you already have one of those, congratulations!) and find an apartment. Maybe with your boyfriend, or maybe just by yourself.
Face that you can not help your sister all the time. She has made her choices, and it sounds like only she can make the decision to get better. If you do move out, I would write her a supportive, loving, caring letter once a week to keep her reminded that you love her and are there for her. Call her on the phone sometimes. Keep yourself involved with the family. Don't pull out completely, but you need space.
I wish you luck!
xxIndia
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A
male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (9 December 2007):
 I seriously think if you don't sperate yourself from your family soon you're going to have a mental breakdown.
That's way too much for any one person to have to deal with.
Maybe you could move in with your boyfriend or something?
Or maybe you could try going to a theropist, that might make you feel better and give you more insight as to why your folks are acting the ay they are.
Well good luck.
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