A
female
age
36-40,
*Lindy87
writes:Okay, do I've been having a problem. Its come to my attention and I really don't know how to stop myself from doing this.Okay, so even though I don't like a guy and when they like me I'll try to force myself to like them back. Usually these are all really nice guys. And I know that I'm attracted to jerks usually but then I'll go along with the facade for awhile, actually believe my own lie of liking these guys who like me but I'm only kind of sort of into them. Suddenly one day I'll freak out once it comes close for them to want anything official with me. I push them away like crazy. I'm sick and tired of breaking all these guys hearts. I don't know if I'm afraid of commitment or afraid of setting or afraid of being controlled or what. I am seriously afraid of getting into a relationship with someone who is completely okay with getting into one with me. I really like the idea of a relationship but whenever I want one its usually with someone who doesn't want one with me. And when someone wants one with me before I get to that point I push them away like crazy!Can someone please shed some light on what I should do and how to pick better men and how to not run from what potentially could be something good for me? Right now, I am thinking possibly that because I watched my parents hate each other when I was younger (they were still married) and now as an adult I associate love with all the wrong things??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 September 2011):
 A very short analysis, from my personal hunch about you:
"I am seriously afraid of getting into a relationship with someone who is completely okay with getting into one with me."
It's low self esteem and a lack of self worth. You don't think you're worth a loving man who wants to be with you. You think all you're worth, and all someone like you deserves, is a trashy guy who will use and abuse you. At least with a jerk you know where you stand, as he doesn't care for you. With a man who cares for you there is so much at risk, so much room for you to screw up and hurt him, or make a mistake, and lose him. With a jerk you don't run that risk as the jerk never commits to you.
You're scared of being loved. Scared because you think you aren't worth love, and you think you can't possibly make someone else happy. So you stay clear of what might be a good thing because you tell yourself you'll mess it up and everyone will just get hurt.
Love is a risk you take.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 September 2011):
I had this 'habit' myself. I always fell for the wrong guys and when a guy would come up who liked me, I didn't like him. It's really frustrating. So like you I decided to give those nice guys a shot. The problem is that when you're not really attracted or interested in that person from the start, you're probably not going to be in the future. So then I broke it off, breaking those guys' hearts.
The solution to this, stop giving guys whom you know you're not attracted to a chance. Because what you're really doing is delaying the inevitable. People can handle being told no from the start. They can't handle being given hope and then getting dumped after a while.
Another thing is the mindset. Try to see the good in other people. Not just guys that are attracted to you, but any guy. See their potential. I really had to change my way of thinking because I always ended up liking guys that weren't right for me. Basically, you need to look beyond first impressions.
For example, when a guy isn't all that good looking, but sharp, witty and funny he might be a better match than the moody pretty boy. I'm just making broad generalizations here, but you catch my drift. What may also be an idea is to start hanging out with guys without the relationship thing looming in the distance. Just have fun and see where it leads.
It takes a while and it's not easy but you'll find the right person for you. Also, try not to try too hard.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, LettertoJuliet  +, writes (1 September 2011):
I am pretty sure that all the guys you were dating were not meant for you. If you don't feel the potential suddenly than it means it wouldn't have been good afterwards too... Try to relax and not to search, let the destiny lead you to your true love, I am sure that if you haven't met him till now he is still out there and about those nice guys, before dating them try to take a blank sheet of paper and write your ideas about the guy or tell him that you should go to let's say 5 dates with him and he shouldn't expect anything till then and after the 5th date you will decide usually it is all it takes to know a man...
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A
male
reader, Fools_rush_in +, writes (1 September 2011):
I don't think from the soounds of it that you are scared of relationships, you basically just get asked out by the wrong people and areb too nice to say no.
Think about one of the so-called jerks you've liked. If he asked you out and suddenly became really into you, would your attraction for him end?
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