A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last August I matched with a guy on Tinder. I’ve been legally separated and this was my first venture into online dating. My ex is a narcissist, so it’s taken me awhile to work on my self esteem and confidence enough to put myself back out there. Plus my ex is the only man I’ve ever been with. It’s so scary putting myself out there again. I’ve been with him since I was 19. Seriously, this is terrifying in my late 30’s! Anyway, back to the issues at hand. So I matched with this guy on tinder. We had a mutual friend. I’m a single Mother so I asked our mutual friend about him way before meeting him (can’t be too careful—she assured me he was a nice guy) and we talked for a month before meeting. I honestly didn’t/don’t want anything serious until my divorce is finalized. He was on board with that. He’s also divorced and a single Dad. The whole nothing serious, that may have been my first mistake. When we first met, the chemistry was instant, he kissed me and there was a spark. The conversations were easy. We got along well. Moving forward and I had some anxiety after we hooked up the first time. He left out what I felt was an important detail, he had a vasectomy, and I became concerned about what else he could have been keeping from me. I don’t care about the vasectomy per se, just the fact that he didn’t tell me. I just feel like in the conversations we had, that should have come up. He said I should have asked. Anyway, after that he was kind of a dick and we called things off and just stayed texting friends for a few months. Which was fine with me. I off and on saw other men but I didn’t sleep with anyone else. Out of the blue in October he rekindles things. I’m interested of course, so we flirt heavily and sext, but never seem to meet up. We make plans, but it seems like he’s always too busy or something happens. I was going out of my way to try and meet up with him and it never seemed to work out. He was very flaky. Still is to some point. Very frustrating. So I continue to see other men, but also continue my friendship with him. Finally in December we see each other again, hook up and then we don’t see each other again until March. That kinda seems to be more his fault than mine. I try to make plans. But it’s really hard to get him to commit to see me. He’s very flaky. He has a demanding job, his kids are into activities and his a very involved Dad (or so he says and I just hope it’s true). I also have a very demanding job and I am very involved with my kids, so I try to understand, but at the same time, I make time for him. I also realize that I’ve fallen for him, I’m not seeing anybody else now. We last saw each other last week (May). This once every few months is not enough for me. And I’ve brought it up many times. We were supposed to see each other this week but honestly he stood me up due to an emergency at work that he acts like wasn’t a big deal. To me it was a big deal. I felt like we were finally moving forward a little bit and I felt like such a fool sitting there waiting on him. He didn’t text me or anything to tell me he wasn’t coming. I ended up texting him to make sure he was ok and hadn’t been in a car accident and he explained what happened, which was work related. I dwelled on it for 2 days before I finally said I’d let it go. I’ve never been stood up before, ever. I try to be understanding but am I being a fool here? He’s one of my best friends. I talk to him pretty much all day everyday. He initiates conversations as much as I do. He’s the first and last person I talk to most of the time. I know people say that no one is really that busy, but we kind of are. We haven’t met each other’s kids and we don’t plan to. Our kids are not involved in our relationship, which makes our time together even more limited. I believe him when he’s says there’s no one else. But I’ve also never been in a situation like this. I just feel like a fool. Anyone else I’ve talked to says he’s using me. For what? Sex every few months? I just want unbiased opinions. Thanks!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 May 2019):
 OP, your ENTIRE post is very contradictory.
You say that you didn't WANT anything serious, to quote you :" I honestly didn’t/don’t want anything serious until my divorce is finalized."
But then you have the EXPECTATIONS of him telling you things that REALLY isn't your business. Him having had a vasectomy.. HOW is that you business if you two are just casual FWB? You should still be using birth control with a casual partner REGARDLESS.
He surely doesn't NEED to permission to have had a vasectomy! Or to not tell you. WHY do you think it's ANY of your business?
HE is treating this "thing" you two got going AS a casual FWB as you ASKED for.
I don't see that HE is using you, any more than YOU are using him.
If YOU want more than something CASUAL then TALK to him, see if he is on the same page or not. He isn't YOUR friend. He is a guy you have gotten to know and hooked up with. You don't HAVE a relationship.
I think the reason he doesn't see you more than he does, is because HE DOESN'T want anything serious with you.
And I think if you have moved past your divorce and IS ready to date seriously, then this might NOT be the guy for you. He really isn't as into you, as you are into the IDEA of this guy.
Consider him your REBOUND after your divorce and split from your ex.
Then TAKE some time being single so YOU can DEFINE what you want. Do you want a more serious relationship? What are your expectations? What kind of man are you looking for? Try not to jump into it blind, like you did with this guy.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 May 2019):
 Firstly, well done for being brave enough to "put yourself out there" again. I can totally empathize with how frightening this can be.
Re the vasectomy situation: I can see both sides of this. Perhaps he had opportunity to mention it but, given that you had said you were not looking for anything serious, why would it be relevant? You were not looking to have more children with him so why would you need to know?
I do wonder what you mean when you say this guy was "a kind of a dick" after "vasectomygate".
You puzzle me in that you say, on the one hand, that you don't think anyone can be too busy to see you, then you say that you both really ARE too busy. Sweetheart, if someone wants to make time for you, they will make the effort. If they don't, they will make excuses. I understand, given your situations, that you realistically can't make MUCH time for each other, but only managing to meet up once every few months? That's ridiculous.
Given that you have constant contact with him, you really need to get this out into the open and discuss what is going on here. Refuse to be fobbed off. Get to the bottom of what is REALLY going on. Even with demanding jobs and children, you two CAN make SOME time for each other - IF YOU BOTH TRY.
Leaving you waiting while he tended a work "emergency" was just plain rude and bad manners. It takes seconds to make a quick phone call or send a text.
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