A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance is a personal trainer and he is crushing on one of his clients. As it is a professional relationship, I don't think anything would happen. However, we met that way initially and I'm so jealous... I work in the same building - on a mezzanine level so I can see and hear down into the gym. They laugh and chat so easily and he's only had three sessions with her. I've briefly chatted to the woman - she's lovely which makes me feel slightly better but also worse at the same time! Physically, she's just his 'relationship' type - petite and pretty. When I say that WE met that way - he told me he had to think long and hard about pursuing a relationship with a client as he wouldn't want to damage his own professional relationship by being seen as one of those personal trainers who sleeps with his clients. But told me I was different - and now we have been together and are getting married in one month.What do I do? How do I deal with my emotion on this? I trust him, but I also have this terrible fear of being made a fool of or blindsided (had these feelings since major bullying in childhood). While I trust him - on another hand I dont - because I find it incredibly difficult to believe that things wont go badly, so I find it hard to 100% trust ANYONE. Basically, logically I trust him but emotionally I'm scared to death of trusting if that makes sense? I hate how its making me feel but I KNOW he is crushing on her. I have very strong senses when it comes to emotion and how people are feeling.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (13 September 2016):
I know how you feel as I also have major trust issues because of a past of being bullied. However, you need to separate facts from feelings.
Your 'radar' or 'instinct' isn't foolproof. And with your history, it is bound to be heavily influenced by your own insecurity and tendency to think the other shoe is going to drop at any moment.
I've destroyed several relationships because I made assumptions about my boyfriends based on my own fears. That means that instead of basing conclusions off of what was in front of me, I fit what was in front of me with the fears I already had in my head.
If you research to fit your theory, it's bad research. You research despite your theory. And if it debunks your theory, you drop the theory and adopt a new one. That's how it's supposed to go. So unless your boyfriend has specifically told you he has a crush on her, this is based on your perception of what you heard (and haven't seen) in just a few sessions. That leaves a lot open to interpretation.
I've been through my share of therapists and it's definitely not a one-size-fits-all type deal. It might take a while to find someone who really fits and who can really help you tackle your problems. So please continue looking for one that fits your needs. Therapy has helped me a great deal in overcoming these problems.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 Go back to therapy, if you feel it did not work for you, them change therapist, try something new, talk to your doctor.
You are in a long term relationship, you are due to get married next month and you are worrying about his client? I think you need to take a rain check on the marriage. You should be entering a marriage with trust, and you simply do not trust him.
Now I understand why you have trust issues with the bullying, but you cannot live your life making excuses, you need to turn the bullying in to a positive and make it a good outcome. It is hard off course it is but you do need some professional help. Maybe try CBT.
He hasn't actually told you that he is crushing on her you have just built this up in your head, you say you just KNOW, but you don't only he knows what he is thinking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): How long have you been together and how long have you been engaged?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): My boyfriend of 3 years is a Zumba instructor.And I can relate. I understand your deepest, darkest fears. They eat away at you and take on a life of their own and no matter what he does, they will probably never go away as long as he is doing this job.Your spider senses are tingling because this is the way he got together with YOU. And you are picking up on subtle hints that are sending your red flags up in the air. It is all gut instinct and intuition and in those we should trust.He has done it before. And so you think he is capable of trading you in for the next model.Why wouldn't you think that? It is a perfectly reasonable and logical assumption. An assumption based on his past behaviour. So, you know that he is capable of crossing the line as he did with you.Yes, it is possible it was a one time thing. That lightning struck the two of you and you know what they say about lightning. It never strikes twice.Funny because I was having the same conversation with my boyfriend not too long ago. I have also expressed concern to him about picking up another woman in his class. WHY? Because this is how WE met. I was a participant in his classes and he started to give me the eye. And we started to talk and one thing led to another. We were both very attracted to each other. He did not want to cross that line either because I, too was his client. But after about 6 months of mixed signals and going back and forth, he did make a move and we got together. I am still in his classes and worry when he seems extra flirty with any woman. He says it's his job and he is just being encouraging and positive and personable. I know this. Logically. But deep down lurk my demons. He said it was a one time thing with me. That he has never done it before. That he will never do it again. That he thought long and hard before making the decision to get involved with me because his reputation and job was at stake. But they are words. And I will always worry. No matter what he says or does. Because I know he already has the potential in him. That is where TRUST comes into the picture. You have to decide if you can or do TRUST him despite what you see in front of you. He can say anything to squash your suspicions if he chooses. But trust is when we believe our partner, that they mean it when they say they only want to be with us and nobody else. Remember he HAS to be friendly with her. It IS part of his job. And it may all just be to keep her coming back so that he makes money. He may never cross that line but still be flirty in order to keep a client. Some women like it when their trainer is flirty and they will keep going back. Right or wrong, it is the nature of the business. Right or wrong my boyfriend has to be nice to them and encourage them and make them feel good. I hate it with a passion. But it is not something I can ever change if he keeps this job. I have to accept it or choose not to accept it. We do have a choice. We make the choice to trust or not to trust. IF he don't trust, it poisons the relationship and you will never be happy if you are forever worried and stressed about what COULD happen. It might NEVER happen, right?It is a horrible cross to bear. The insecurity and worry has taken a toll on our relationship. I do not trust him. I have begun to emotionally distance myself from him in the worry that he will take up with someone else eventually just like he did with me. So I guess I am protecting myself by obsessing with this possibility. Convincing myself it is true and that is what he will do.I care a lot about him but I am starting to disrespect him and think badly of him because I worry he is a pig and will take up with someone else. Even though he reassures me he is not interested in anyone else. I just cannot believe him. He begs me to believe in him. I try and try and try but I keep ending up in the same place.I am not sure how long I can stand it.I love him and this is why I have hung in for so long. But your demons never go away. How do you ever defeat them?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): Thanks for the replies. Just in respomse to some questions asked. We have been together for four years ... and no i dont actively watch over their sessions. I have been there for two up in the office but the space is open. I can hear them but not see them. Hes not a bad person and i know he loves and cares for me. I have been to therapy for anxiety and trust issues but i dont know if it has really worked for me ...
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 September 2016):
 Your instincts are always way ahead of your cognitive recognition of a potential threat. if your "secret voice" is trying to warn you listen to it. It is very possible even though you don't want to admit it that he can and probably will cheat on you. Few things can compete with being around a woman that is working out with you(from a male prospective it is a lot like sex. Heavy breathing perspiration. etc.etc. Don't be surprised when it happens just have a game plan prepared. You know like; will you leave or try to make nice and just let it go? Begin your planning early 'cause it's likely to be just what your instincts are warning you about. Sorry-truth is painful good luck
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (12 September 2016):
 Women always have ways of showing men when they disapprove of something. Stop stifling your natural instinct and ability. You can make it quite plain without being specific that you are not happy with his behaviour regarding this client, and guide him towards acting more professionally towards her.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 September 2016):
 I don't think you should break up with him, but I don't think you're ready for marriage. You need to get therapy to deal with this or your marriage will be miserable and he could leave you.
Did he tell you he has a crush on her? Do you actively look over to see/hear them?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): How long have you been together? Who cares if he is crusing on her? People have crushes all the time. All it matters is he comes home to you and youre the woman he is going to spend the rest of his life with.
Your anxiety is here is going to cause problems only. Learn relax. Learn to chill out. Learn to be the girl he fell for in first place. Work is work, he comes home to relax with you. Trust in his decision that he chosed you. Good luck
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