A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My past four serious relationships have been with men who are alternately responsible/sweet but no passionate or creative/passionate but irresponsible. Currently I'm with the latter type, and I love him more than anyone I've been with. But it drives me crazy that he can't seem to pull his act together enough to be independent.I'm 27 and he's 25. I have an MA and he's struggling to wrap up the dangling credits on a BA he's been working on for eight years. I've lived independently in three cities since high school; he's been in the same town since he was a preteen. And he still lives with his parents, good people who I love and appreciate. But it frustrates me to see him so comfortable there, with his mom cooking him dinner every night. He's never known what it means to pay rent or bills. He can't even handle his own disposable income; he racks up late fees on his credit cards and hasn't held a 40-hour-a-week job since I got together with him three years ago. I've been a working professional the whole time.Yet he's amazingly talented, creative, sweet and funny. He treats me like a princess and is faithful to me. He's sexy and a good lover. We're best friends who love and respect each other. We even fantasize about our future together, but I honestly can't entertain those thoughts very seriously until I see him get a job, save up money, move out and pursue his dream as an independent person. I get so frustrated going out with him and shouldering most of the bills. It's fair, I suppose, since I make more money than him--but he barely even works and has no bills!I'd like to settle soon with a partner who can combine resources with me, not just drain mine. But I don't want to leave him because true love is hard to find, and this is true love. What to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): You can't change a person. He can grow up but maybe he won't and if you are interested in being with someone that is more responsible than maybe this guy isn't the one for you at all. If you love him enough look past it, maybe things will change in the future and if it's that much of an issue don't expect it to change and move on from him.
A
female
reader, Farris  +, writes (4 April 2007):
 This is a really tricky problem, and my heart really goes out to you on this one. You need to sit him down and tell him your fears.
Tell him how much you care about him, and that there's ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with the relationship emotionally. He'll probably already know this, but he'll probably need the reassurance.
You need to be realistic with what you want from him. It's all very well saying you want him to pay bills or get a certain job, or whatever, but you need to realise that the world you're trying to throw him into is very different from the one he's living in at the moment.
Explain to him your worries about your future. He doesn't have a job now, because he clearly doesn't need one to live on; his parents are subsidising him. Tell him how worried you are about his credit debt, and how difficult it is to pay those off. Does he really want to start his life, and perhaps family, with you with so much debt? Suggest he gets a job to start paying off the money he owes. It doesn't have to be much to start with, but *something* to get him on the ladder. Be supportive, no matter how small the first step is, but make sure that it is an upwards slope from there on in.
I once had a partner like this who got himself into about £4000 of debt by the age of 18, and he had no employment & no ambitions of so. He drained me for a while, which I didn't mind so much when I was trying to help him out of a tough spot, but he lied to me about how much he owed or the fact he had no job. But you should not let yourself be a doormat to this kind of behaviour.
If he really loves you, then he'll pick up his ideas. If he seemingly doesn't make the effort to act like a responsible adult, then he doesn't deserve to be with someone who is.
Best wishes, & good luck.
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