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female
,
anonymous
writes: Please help, I am so lost and I need some direction!!I have been married for a little over a year. I got married to a guy I met in college. We dated for about 4 years. Through the engagement I really started to feel like something wasn't right, I even tried to call it off, but this caused so much of an uproar and pressure, before I knew it the wedding was back on. I felt like I had no control and I was scared of what people would think if I called it off again at the last minute. I do love my husband or at least I think so. But we don't have the same connection we had before. Lately I just feel like we are just strangers living in the same house. We are so distant, never have sex, and I keep thinking of someone else from my past. I feel like I made a huge mistake and I don't know what to do. My husband is such a wonderful person, and I know he loves me. I don't want to hurt him. He has no idea I feel this way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): Please get marriage counceling before you do anything rash. There is affordable counceling that can meet your financial restrictions, if there are any, or your insurance may cover the cost. You need more than a forum can provide. However, you do need to begin to understand what is at the root of your unhappiness. Love is not forever the puppy-love giddy feeling. Sometimes love is work, and people who have been married for many years can verify that at times you have to dig deep and bridge the gaps when the marriage is not so fresh and sexy and alive. Sometimes it's just plain and simple.
What do you do for yourself? Do you have any outside interests, friends, studies? When I hit that point in my marriage, I took a few on-line classes and music lessons. I wanted to become more interesting, and get out of the dulldrums.
Think about it this way: when the relationship was new, it was nice and shiny and bright. Now it's a little dull -- so you have to get out the polish and work at making it shiny again. Also, it sounds like you got wedding cold feet (I think we all did to some degree). Unfortunately no one took you seriously and didn't allow you to work through your concerns. Maybe you are harboring some misdirected unresolved resentment. That's why I suggested the counceling. Finally, go pick up some relationship books. Love Languages is probably one of the better books - there are so many, pick one that appeals to you and has recognized possitive feedback.
Good luck and be true to yourself.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (29 July 2006):
 I don't know what you are looking for in this forum. If you're looking for someone to give you the magical, hurt-free way to slink out of your situation, you won't find it here or anywhere!
As Karen said, your instinct was telling you something before you chose marriage, and you chose to let others shout down that inner voice. That was YOUR choice, and not anyone else's.
I am a firm believer in taking responsibility for the choices we make in our lives. So I won't blow sunshine up your you-know-what and tell you that things will be all right and no one will get hurt. You are way past that stage now.
The best you can hope for is this: In following through on your instinct, you keep the damage to a minimum. What will it take for you to finally take action on what your instinct tells you? An affair that causes even more people to get hurt? An abortion of an unwanted child?
I hope you don't have children with your husband. You will doom them to a life of suffering.
In the end the choice is yours - as it always has been. To this point you have shown yourself to avoid short term pain when making your choices, resulting in longer term pain. Furthermore you have not taken responsibility for your choices. You didn't marry this guy under pain of death. The longer you take to follow through on your instinct the greater the damage will be.
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, karenw61 +, writes (29 July 2006):
do you believe in your inner voice???????
it told you before you married that this was not right for you but you did it any way
get out now before you waste any more time
regards karen
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): I'm sorry, this isn't an answer to your question, but I'm in the exact same situation, except I'm at the engagement point right now. I'm so scared of ending up where you are. I even posted a question about my situation, but it has yet to find an answer from agony aunts. So much has been planned and money has been put down on things. I'm scared to back out right now. So, I have a question for you... If you could go back to the point I'm at right now, would you have backed out then? I'm sorry I can't help you out with your situation, as it seems I am in a similar one. I still hope everything works out for the best. I wish you the best of luck. Thanks for your time!
~RJGirl
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A
female
reader, ask beryl +, writes (29 July 2006):
 Hi this is a tight one....have you ever heard the saying ,you have got to be tough to be kind? you only live once so make the most of it, plz dont live your life unhappy . i know its hard to speek what you are thinking sometimes ,but sometimes its the best thing. hope it goes well and plz dont be sad be happy. xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2006): Try counselling to identify your deeper feelings before taking any action if you are not sure. Try a trial separation after explaining how you feel. I say this because I did exactly the same thing and I have been married to a nice man for 28 years and I am leaving now. It got that it was too easy to stay and do nothing and I have lost half my life and happiness because I did nothing soon enough.
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