A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I met this guy at the airport and he was my passenger then we exchanged the phone numbers. He moved to California for his job and he is 45 years old. I am 30 years old and live in New York. He comes to visit his family here, in New York. We have been talking almost 9 months. I went to California once and he came to see me 3 times. We never had sex cause we never slept in each others house. I invited him to my house last time and he slept with me. He had an issue cause he was making me hot and all of a sudden he was losing his erection. I was kinda irritated and upset cause I thought I didnt turn him off. By mistake, I told him it could be because of his age and i never had this problem with my ex. Then I apologized and told him its my fault and I couldnt turn him off. Things went bad after. he told me he forgave me but i really did not believe. he was still cuddling with me. When he went back to California, we texted almost 3 more weeks. He invited me over and told me he misses me as if nothing happened.Then I asked him where do you see us 6 months from now? He told me he is not sure and I do live in NY AND he is CA.then he asked me if i have anyone in my mind. I said no cause i only talk to one person.( he got cheated twice in the past so he does not trust anyone even though he told me he trusts me) I was really upset and he told me I hurt his feelings when he slept in my apartment.I am frustrated and heart broken. If I didnt ask this question, he was never going to tell me how he felt and keep talking to meI waited one week after this texting. I texted him that I missed him and he did not answer me.I waited 2 more days and texting that I know you do not wanna talk to me anymore and I apologized on that day and I am sorry. He texted me he has been working a lot. and that its not true that he doesnt want to talk to me. We texted lil bit and he didnt answer me at all since that day.he works too hard. he is never married and single. I do not know what to do. I tried my best and I want him back but I cant force someone to be with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017): Now comes the "AHA!" moment! You can't like people so much you let them make a complete fool of you, sweetheart. Now it's time to put this obsessive infatuation to rest!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys were so right. He did not come to Ny and he disappeared on me again. At least it was not my fault. I just do not understand what i did wrong. why he was texting me everyday then he stopped it? Either he has issues or he found someone else.
Damn i thought he liked me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): He sounds pretty flaky, and it seems he has you wrapped around his little finger. The more you tell of this guy, the more he is now coming across as a manipulator.
Your original post about this man made it seem as though you struck a sore nerve, and hurt his feelings. Now, I think he sees you can be easily manipulated by your guilt and your fondness for him.
I foresee a messy future for you. You're smitten with this guy, and you're in for it. No advice helps the smitten. They have to learn life the hard way. They have to get smashed to bits. That's when you'll come down off cloud nine. Reality has to be brutal.
You may just be a convenient roll in the hay when he's passing through town. Seems he has little interest in you unless he's nearby. Probably has a girl in every town, and one back home as well.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (18 December 2016):
 Seems he wants to try having sex again. I doubt it is to rekindle a form of a relationship beyond that. If you can have casual sex and want casual sex, do it, but if you're the type that gets emotionally invested over intimate activity, then you probably should just leave the texts right where they are!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello FishDish and Wiseowi::
I listened to you guys and didn't text him. First time he texted me yesterday and asked me how i am doing. He even told me he will be in NY for 2 weeks to help his parents out.
I replied back:: I am happy for him and finally he will get to see his family.
I didn't even ask him to hang out. He was keep asking me questions. Today he texted me again. I am just suprised he texted me 2 days in a row
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 November 2016):
There's nothing that can be done. It is unfortunate that these are one of those long distances that could be closed, but as it has been said-he hasn't shown any commitment to you to make a move a wise choice on your part. Take some time for yourself, then get back on the horse with someone more local!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwie:: He only texted me that Thursday, Thanksgiving day. I did not hear from him since that time. He is 45 years old and I am 30 years old. You are right. My feelings were so intense than his. I wanted to get married with him.i sometimes want to text him but i tried my best. I want him back but i have so much pride. What am i going to do with someone who is not sure of us? He is Asian. Here in NY, there are a lot of Asians. Wherever I look, I see him. It makes me so upset. I am 30 years old and have a carrier. Just one mistake I made, he would not end it. I was willing to work even though long distance. I know he already forget me. It kills me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): It isn't wise to uproot your life under such uncertain conditions. He was being polite; but his feelings may not be as intense as yours, and may never have been in the first place. Women are more likely to follow their hearts than us men. Don't move, unless he makes some solid commitment towards forming a relationship. If you don't see that by now, start detaching your feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your advice and making me feel better. I was willing to sacrifice and go and take a job in California for 3 months during summer. Because my job sends people to California, where he lives.
I am suprised that he texted me and saying Happy Thanksgiving and asked me a few questions how i am doing or if i am doing. Thats it. We ended conversation
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): [EDIT] "When are sometimes quick to jump to conclusions when a man looses and/or can't get an erection. Just as you did."
Correction:
"Women are sometimes quick to jump to conclusions when a man looses and/or can't get an erection. Just as you did."
Clarification:
That's because women have egos too, and it is an affront to their femininity for a man to loose his boner during intimacy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): Honestly, I think the distance and his bruised-ego are the culprits behind his behavior. He's not really getting over your comment; and I think it is possible his ED is a condition that he has not been treated for. Probably because he hasn't yet come to terms with it. A lot of men ignore it in denial, or think it might be only temporary and will go away by itself. Sometimes it is only temporary, and just due to performance-anxiety. You only made one attempt at having sex.
I think the connection is fading, and he's partially put-off by the coldness in your reaction to his performance. Men may not be openly emotional; but we do have feelings. Just like comments made about a woman's body, men are very much concerned about their sexual performance. ED is shameful for some men, and they fear it happening again. They feel it makes them seem less than masculine, or weak. That isn't really the case, but the ego and male-pride lies to us sometimes. We are prone to believe it, because we are conditioned by what we're taught from boys.
I think you should just allow this to fade-away. You want and deserve intimacy, and this may be one area that he cannot deliver.
Don't pretend you can do without it; because that comment you made in making comparison to the performance of another man is emasculating. Females don't understand this, and how deep it cuts; so their advice on this may not be sensitive to male sexuality-issues. Woman understand intellectually perhaps, but they would never be able to place themselves in a man's shoes. The penis identifies your gender. For most men its proper function and performance defines his masculinity. Even his sexual-identity, or sexual-orientation. When are sometimes quick to jump to conclusions when a man looses and/or can't get an erection. Just as you did.
Telling a man he isn't as manly as another man will haunt him every-time you lie down together. I hope you will understand; so you will remember next time something like this happens. We sometimes have to think before we speak. Once the words leave our lips and hits the ears; they become a memory in another person's mind. Depending on that person's sensitivity, they may can be very hurtful.
Don't beat yourself up over it. There are options; and he should take care of it, if it is a chronic-condition.
You should also realize some people aren't really cutout for long-distance relationships. I'm far form an advocate for conducting something emotional using devices. I think people need and deserve closeness, intimacy, affection, and to learn how to communicate effectively. Face to face, that is. Electronic devices do not substitute for the importance of touch and human-connection. People can argue that until they're blue in the face, I've been around long enough to know better and these posts prove what I believe. I refuse to debate it. Let the facts speak for themselves. I'm half Native-American, it's ingrained by my upbringing that man, woman, and nature are spiritually-connected. I don't plan to let go of that. It keeps my blood warm, and my heart affectionate. I maintain my sense of compassion, empathy, and humanity. So I pass that on.
When your relationship is already well-established and you are forced to part; the connection is already made and the subconscious is somewhat prepared and conditioned to wait. The love-connection is bonded well enough that people can accept being separated by time and distance, even for years. The only problem is, our needs start to get the better of us. The waiting becomes torture. Devices don't give us the warmth we need. They don't fill the void or ease the longing. It's just a tease. We need more than visuals for fulfillment. The frequency of visits is most helpful and therapeutic in re-establishing the bond between us. Unfortunately; work and other obligations don't always give us that option.
So just your words aren't the reason he is cooling-off. I think he doesn't feel the distance is worth investing his feelings; and he may not be able to give you what you really need in a relationship. Being friends may not be enough for either of you. It seems you really like each other, but that now seems to be waning.
I may be far off-track, only he really knows. If he doesn't seem to make the effort to reach-out to you. Draw your own conclusion. He knows you really didn't mean it the way it came out. It was in the heat of the moment. It was also a blow to your ego that you thought you couldn't make it rise.
You're only human too.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 November 2016):
I don't think he's holding a grudge from that night but realistically the relationship may not work just because of the distance. It doesn't sound like either of you are in places where you're willing to move to the other's location-doesn't sound like you intend to leave and he is focused on his job.
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