A
female
age
41-50,
*razybeyatch
writes:MODNOTE two issues concerning fiancé combined. . . . . . .My fiancé a couple of years ago, made some very bad decisions and cheating on me many times as well as lied, hid a 2nd phone to be able to chat with other women, and was sleeping with his ex which is his sons mother that he’s got to deal with for the rest of his life. And when I found everything out on my own I approached him about it all to get nothing but lies back until I had so much proof that he finally had to tell me the truth. We stayed together thru it all. My problem is, the painful heartache that he put me thru is very difficult to get thru on my own so I turned to him thru time to help get thru it. All he would do every time would be to yell at me over it on why I’m not over it? Are you serious....over it? His actions made me feel like he was just pushing me more and more away from him thru the passing years. To now he holds it against me that I’m not over the past. I’m aware that I can’t change what has happened in the past but I also know that he should of been there for me when I came to him for help/support when times get rough since he created this horrible storm. I’ve gotten MUCH better thru the years of dealing with this all on my own. But he seems to still bring it up that it’s my fault that our relationship is the way it is due to me holding on to the past. Which is far from the truth. I told him that we should go talk to a therapist together to hear from them on who is doing what incorrectly so it can be changed. I even told him that I would pay for whatever cost that my insurance wouldn't cover. But he’s against it all saying that we should be able to get thru it. I’ve got the feeling that he’s afraid to hear a professionally educated person tell him that he’s been treating this situation all wrong the whole time and putting me thru even more problems with how he’s being towards me. I’m to the point of not knowing what to do anymore. secondly I was wondering if anybody knows anything about people that have multiple personalities? I only ask due to wondering if my boyfriend has it. He will be fine one second and the next he will be screaming at me for him assuming what I said was "attacking him" so he yells at me without hesitation many times thru our relationship. I’ve told him to go get looked at by a doctor due to it getting so bad lately that it is honestly making it very hard to deal with anymore. He has told me that at times he feels like another person is controlling his brain and making him a very angry person by slamming things around and get him screaming at me. Then he snaps out of it and wonders what all just happened. It’s gotten to the point to where I can’t even come talk to him calmly to ask for his help with something in the relationship due to him automatically yelling at me for even talking to him about it. So now it’s making me "just deal with" what is happening in our relationship. He’s making things so much harder than they need to be but turning around and putting the blame on me for how our relationship is anymore. I just want to rip my hair out. I love the guy and really want to work all this mess out but am getting fed up with the treatment he’s been giving me for the past couple of years. What can I do? and what do you all think is going on with him?
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 November 2016):
 I don't think a professional will tell him that he has been going around things the wrong way, I would imagine they would tell you that you have. People do forgive and forget all the time and build up trust again. But you can't. You are not able to forget the way that he treated you and he is not reassuring you that he has changed. Is love really enough? Do you want to spend your life being miserable because you love him? You cannot make him care, or make him be faithful.
What you can do is leave him, and work on yourself. Work on being independent, work on being the person you want to be. He does not have a split personality he is just making excuses so he does not have to talk to you. He is angry because he is as unhappy as you are.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (24 November 2016):
 No one person is meant or designed to get over it; it being infidelity. Once this sacred bond of trust has been broken you are meant to leave, repair your emotions and learn to live love trust again with someone new. Staying with a cheater who inflicted this wound is like being reminded every single day of your life of a wound that won’t heal.
Now if you had a sore in the physical sense on your leg you’d seek medical treatment wouldn’t you? If the Doctor said, this sore is infected to the point of having it removed you’d go into denial cause you’d natural want to save your leg - [save the relationship]? An amputation takes place, and you wake up cheated as the wrong leg is removed… yeah I know you can sue in your country but in this case it’s useless.
Just as unless as you trying to get over the deep hurt your fiancee has caused you!? I see nothing has been achieved accept more pain and suffering.
It’s apparent you’re not over it and rightly so. Cheating doesn’t make the other person feel secure. Furthermore you haven’t got the message in the later 2 years he doesn’t give a fairy’s fart to resolve his bad behavior!
Plus his moods are those of an abusive tyrant… the results are; “…you can’t even come talk to him calmly to ask for his help with something in the relationship…” He is mentally emotionally beating you into submission so you don’t feel safe in approaching him. He does not want or care to achieve closeness.
If you really want to work all this mess out; be prepared to go bald.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): Sometimes people need a very dramatic situation in order to feel alive and this is where you have got caught up in someone elses love life.
The baby mom feels she has prior claim to him.!
After all she has his young son and probably wants the little lad to have a role model in his life in the form of his daddy.
Meanwhile the dad is not committed enough to stay with the mom Perhaps he started to stray whe she was in the final tremester of her pregnancy and was ordered to slow down by the doctor.
Meanwhile her hubby decided to play away for awhile and met you and made a whole load of false promises.
I expect you are financially more solvent and it probably made it easier for them both with you paying to service him and vice versa?
Now that the baby is here, the mom most probably wants another from the same dad.
How long can you waste your time inbetween these two feckless parents.
Get them a nice pair of baby outfits and boot them out the door forever.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): Would you know how to end it if you wanted to?
In the melee and the chaos you might have forgotten where to start.
I would imagine the sons mother would have had a vast amount of negative input and she probably is the voice in his head.
No one is ever obliged to stick with anyone.
If you were married you would just consult your solicitor and cite the number of aggressive outbursts and infidelities and you have won the divorce hands down.
If you are not then you have to resort to other methods such as separations, inpatient times in mental hospitals, or confiding in nurses when he punches you in the mouth and you are getting your stitches.
Similarly there is always someone to confide in at std clinics and they can pass you onto support groups.
His appeal is limited as he seems to derive pleasure from manipulating you, together with his ex, the sons mother.
Maybe they both feel inadequate compared to you so they unite in order to boost their damaged self esteem.Sometimes it can be very rewarding to say "Ive had enough of you freeloading muck!" and just carry on with your own life leaving them to simmer in their own juices together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Honestly, OP?
I don't buy the "split personality" it's a little too convenient that "someone controlled" him and "made" him do "bad" thing...
I simply call bullshit.
He is a master manipulator, pushing and pulling. When you annoy him or make he look bad or make him feel bad he pushes you, yells and screams at you, making YOU scared and submissive. And when you are being a "good girl" he uses the pull, he is being nice and a stellar BF.
HE is both, but my guess is the "nice guy you see here and there in your fiance is an act to keep you around. The screaming, angry and violent person is who he is. OF COURSE, he plays " I can't remember what I just did" to garner your sympathy and make you feel like you HAVE to stay with him.
Honestly (again)? I think you are dealing with a very troubled person and one who can potentially cause you harm. He apparently has broken you down to a point where he can spoonfeed you elaborate bullshit and you just eat it up, all in the name of LOVE. You want SO badly to have an excuse for his abusive behavior that you are willing to believe this ridiculous "split personality" thing.
THIS is not how love is. This is not how a man LOVES a woman.
Why didn;t you leave when he cheated on you MULTIPLE times? Were and ARE you so scared of being single that you rather stay with this abusive person? That you rather enable his delusions of " It wasn't me"!! A guy who takes ABSOLUTELY no responsibility for his actions. Even when he got caught he didn't try and defend his actions, no he went on the offensive and attacked YOU for not just "getting" over it.
It sounds like a clusterfuck of a relationship, UTTERLY dysfunctional, unhealthy and potentially physically harmful for you. It's ALREADY mentally harmful to you as you are so willing to stay with this guy that you disregard common sense and yourself.
I'm sorry if I seem blunt, but I think you need a serious wake-up call.
YOU can love someone and NOT be with them. In you case? What exactly is that you love about him? His disrespect for you? His anger? His outbursts? His lack of personal responsibility? His lies ?
...............................
|
