A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, seen a few similar posts, so thought I'd ask for help too! I have been trying this new 'technique' where I've stopped being so readily available and have started taking a renewed interest in my own life - work, hobbies, friends and the rest, in the hope that it would reignite my partners old desire to propose to me (over the years he talked about it quite often but now that its a realistic thing he has stopped completely). Thing is, it seems to be backfiring.He noticed the change alright and has become more attentive, even asking why I'm less available etc, but because we live together its very hard to keep this 'technique' going and he seems to be interpreting it as disinterest on my part and is getting increasingly annoyed.Im just trying to give him less emotionally/ sexually because I want him to realise that he can't keep having it all when it suits him. Im wondering should I try keep up this tactic or accept my loss?We have talked about it in the past, so I don't really want to rehash the conversation of him proposing. He said all the right things but there was no mention of a timeframe (for me either!)How do I reignite his desire to get engaged without tiring myself out in the process by trying to make us have the excitement back?Im just tired of feeling like I'm being asked to offer a certain level of patience and support and familiarity about his life that would be equivalent to a wife, all while still having no guarantees.I really do thank you for your responses.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (13 August 2011):
 Honey, he is a man. He won't be able to put your actions in context and be motivated to propose. :) Honestly, it shouldn't be this difficult. You shouldn't have to go through these silly hoops to ignite some urgency in him. He should want to propose! He should want to spend the rest of his life with you and put that ring on your finger. If marriage is important to you, you need to be more drastic. You need to have a talk, even though you're probably as sick of it as he is. Let this be the FINAL talk. Ask him where marriage fits into his timeline and how important it is to him. If you're not on the same page, you need to break it off and move out. If he tells you he wants to wait another year or two and you're OK with that, you need to move out and live in separate quarters.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 August 2011):
 You can not convince a guy to propose to you with any action other than being truly yourself AND the following
*You are ready to be engaged
*HE is ready to be engaged
*BOTH of you can see the two of you building a future together.
If you were "the one" and he was ready at the SAME TIME, he would propose without any ulterior motives on your part.
The true reason that you should be less available is to show that you have a full, busy life that has lots of priorities and that you are happy with your life.
Those choices should never be because you are hoping someone will react differently.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (13 August 2011):
 Hi there. Ok, I have to tell you. It sounds like your guy is misinterpreting your behaviour, because he doesn't know why you are being less available and attentive. All he can do is guess. He isn't nessassarily going to guess that you want him to propose. He could think any number of things, like you are having an affair, you don't love him anymore, you're thinking of leaving etc etc. My instinct is to tell you to be honest with him.
It seems that you feel resentment that he has all the benefits of a live in partner, without needing to put a ring on your finger. Now you can't blame him too much for this. You said you spoke about it and neither of you expressed there was a rush...
"He said all the right things but there was no mention of a timeframe (for me either!)"
You don't say how long you have been together, but that will play a part. If you have been together 1 or 2 years, he could feel it is too soon to propose. Everyone has different feelings on marriage. He could be waiting for the "right time" whatever that means for him. Or, like you fear, he could be content with things the way they are, and therefore see no reason to propose in the near future.
In which case you need to let him know that YOU are ready for a proposal. Playing games doesn't work with men, or women even. People are not mindreaders. We can only guess why people behave the way they do, unless they tell us what they are thinking.
You need to have "the talk" again. Tell him that marriage is something that is important to you. Say, you don't want to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do. But say that you don't want to continue living as a live in partner for many more years, as you need more. Or ask him how he feels now about marriage. People change, and so do their feelings about relationships and marriage. Maybe he doesn't think it is important now. In which case you will need to work out what works for both of you. It's a sensitive subject, but if you are to marry this guy, you need to be able to be honest and open with each other.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (13 August 2011):
i don,t believe in game playing as you,ve found out it only backfires on you he is probably feeling like you are losing interest in him i would talk to him tell him how you are feeling or if you want him to propose to you but its not happening why don,t you surprise him and ask him to marry you you say you,ve talked about it so why not good luck
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