A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i am a male 32 yrs old and in a realationship for 6 years with a beutiful woman and i have 5 kids , 2 that are with her and i have treated her bad most of the time and i cheated on her last year and was so quick to have given up on us and now she wants to end it and i have been trying to show her how much i rgret doing the things that i have done she wont except it. i have carried so much anger with me through my life and i have let it control me so much that i am losing my bestfriend and companion. she is a great mother, lover,friend and i cant lose her . what can i do to win her back? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2010):
Angzw... wow. I know you are just trying to help but is laying out a master plan for manipulation of a good woman really the right approach? Doesn't sound very healthy (or nice) to me.
32 yo male poster -- seriously. You treated this woman badly for 6 years and cheated on her and only when you are losing all the good things she has offered to you do you suddenly seem to care. It's all about you isn't it? What you want and what you don't want to lose. You have received a big wake up call that your bad behavior has consequences. This is good. So rather than continuing to be selfish and immature by manipulating your ex to stay with you (which is wrong) why not try being a MATURE adult, getting into therapy to work on your issues, truly healing yourself and THEN if you try to win her back you will actually have something different and good to offer her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): i think you are just so selfish to expect your faithful wife to stay around for more knocks. sometimes there are no second chances and i think you used all your aces . release her, she deserves a better life than what you have given her. if you love her then allow her to be free from you and allow her to move on.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 February 2010):
Ok, I'm going to get nasty anon comments but you are here for help, so this is my advice, as someone who was cheated on by my ex husband. I fell for his method twice until he cheated on me again for the 3rd time which is what made me leave him and even then it was hard:
Make her feel sorry for you by confiding your deepest darkest secrets; reveal one every few weeks. Tell her what you think made you do this because the number one thing us cheater survivors want answers to is WHY... "I don't know" or "because I'm stupid" is not good enough. If she asks you about details of sex with the other woman, tell her it was lousy/terrible and that remembering actually makes you feel nauseous because the memory of her disgusts you. I say this because she is comparing herself to the other woman and she feels sexually inadequate so telling her the other woman was lousy and that you have no good memories takes care of that. If she asks why you continued to sleep with her if it was so terrible, then explain that you were so messed up that you let it happen again and again but each and every occasion was terrible. Tell her she is the only one who has truly ever loved you and that even your own family never loved you this way; she is all you have (induces guilt). It will be helpful if you can recall a particularly nasty childhood 'memory' that may have triggered your cheating. Women like to help injured animals and if she thinks she can help you heal then she will give you another chance.
Now all this sympathy talk will only buy you time. In that extra time that she gives you, you have to treat her like she's a girlfriend you are trying to get to date you. You have to treat her like you desire her, take her to a comedy club where you can share some laughs or dinner and a movie and hold her hand when possible. Have a date night and forget about poker night with the guys for now. Sometimes wistfully look at her and maybe shed a tear or two and if she asks what's wrong, just tell her you are imagining your life without her. Get your own individual counseling; she may feel she doesn't need it but if you look like you are seeking help then she may believe you are serious.
Every few weeks she will rage and cry and all you should do is just hold her, even if she throws a punch. Maybe cry a little too when she starts. I cannot over-emphasize the "other-woman-was-terrible" part. The cheating was an attack on her confidence and she thinks if she sleeps with you then you will be pining for the other woman's skills.
Ofcourse, no matter what we tell you, there are no guarantees; perhaps non of this will work, but you can try. Let's hope you have learnt your lesson and will be faithful from now on.
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A
female
reader, billy bilou  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 You know once you have cheated on a woman, it's extremely difficult to win back her trust. And she must have felt awful. As long as a person is in our life, we take this person for granted but when this person is no more in our life, it's at that moment that we understand how much this person counts for us. The only solution that I can find in this situation is to talk to her, be honest with her and tell her what you just told us that she's a great mother and a great friend and that her presence is important in your life. You have not realised it before but now you have understood it. As for your anger, you can write all the things that make you angry on a piece of paper and then you burn this paper. It's a way of exteriorising your anger and don't let anger ruin your life. I too I have so much anger but I have learnt to control my anger by forgiving and letting go. Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 February 2010):
Well I won't lie to you, your chances are slim. I say that because if she was here asking whether to stay or leave, I'd tell her to leave. That said, all you can do is talk to her and show her you've changed. Tell her you will do whatever it takes to prove it to her. And mean it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Why do people cheat and when they have to face the consequences, then only realise what they have done is wrong?? Cheating is a conscious decision, yet now that your wife/gf doesnt trust you or want anything more to do with you that you are now crying like a baby over the situation...
You did this to your relationship, you caused the destruction to your relationship so you must now pay the price.
You can try and suggest that you both go to counselling, and you will have to be totally open and honest with her.. but sorry to say I think the damage has been done.
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