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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: (I'm reposting this question because I received no responses the first time, any advice would be really appreciated)So I'm kind of in a mess. My ex and I were each others first love. He was everything to me, and for almost two years I thought we were happy. Until one day he just walked out, no explanation, and still no closure. He came back to me about four times and we tried to work through it, but I was so incredibly hurt and the trust and faith I had in him were gone. No one cheated or anything like that, he just started rethinking his life... We cut contact in the beginning of February and during this time he has contacted me once, but I did not respond despite wanting to.During this time Ive tried EVERYTHING to just move on. I went through about five months of therapy because the break up left me so shattered. Ive tried getting my life together, going out with friends, working, focusing on school.At the same time we broke up, one of my guy friends broke up with his first and long term girlfriend and he was crushed too. We were there for each other, got each other through the days. Over time he became one of my best friends.All our friends think there is more between us. Ive asked him what we are (he calls me every single night) and he insisted we were just friends. I just took his word for it.A couple of weeks ago, this guy asked me out. I told him my situation with my ex and he wants to work through it. I agreed to go out with him, partly because I liked him and partly because I want to move on so badly (he knows this). Everything was alright, but he started getting so attached and I felt absolutely nothing despite trying and trying.I wanted advice, so naturally I wanted my best friend and him to meet. For some reason, my best friend kept making excuses not to, even when we were outside his house waiting for him to just come out for five minutes and meet him. After every date, he wouldn't want to know any details of where me and my new bf went. He started to act really weird, and hated this new guy before he even met him.Last night I just broke down. I miss my ex so much, but I want to move on. No matter what I do I feel stuck. So I asked my current bf for a break. He was so sweet and willing to do whatever I needed to make me feel better. I feel like a horrible person. He wants nothing but to make me happy, and I know he cares about me so much. But I just cant get my heart to respond. I'm not sure if the problem lies with him or with me.I don't want to hurt him more than I already have. Did I do the right thing? And why is my best friend being so unsupportive? I told him he got his wish because me and the current bf are taking a break, and he said that his only wish is that I am happy. And as for my ex, how can I let him go when Ive tried everything and my heart still tells me he's the one?
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female
reader, CupidGirl826  +, writes (3 September 2009):
I re-read your post, I don't know why I thought it was about two guys.
I'd like to talk to you, we're the about the same age, I'm 22, a student. Contemplating getting back with my ex, too - lol.
Please click my screen name. And send me a message with your contact info, I would but you're anonymous, and I can't send you a PM. I think we can help each other out.
Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the responses. Just to clarify though. The old bf is no longer in the picture and hasn't been since February. The best guy friend and the old boyfriend are two different people. I still love the old boyfriend, broke up with the new boyfriend, and having problems with my best guy friend (3 different people)
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female
reader, CupidGirl826 +, writes (2 September 2009):
Tough situation. You both have to sit down and talk about it. But for the most part, it looks like you're looking for commitment, long-term, be aware younger guys don't look to settle down till late 20's, some early 30's (they're done with school, stable with their jobs, and know what they want in a relationship at this point). My advice, on the new BF: You can't force chemistry. I don't care how good you think you match up on paper (likes/dislikes/goals), if chemistry isn't there, it's just not. I've been there and done that. Sometimes when you talk to someone it just clicks, it just feels right. I don't see the reason you'd need to "learn" to love him, just leave him go. Let him know that the spark isn't there and he deserves someone to be as crazy about him as he is about you. The longer you lead him on, the harder it will be for him. Let him know, you can always remain friends but relationship-wise it can't EVER be. LEAVE NO POSSIBILITY.Only downfall: If the old BF/Friend decides not to pursue things with you. You wont' have a should to cry on, etc. And upfront, no one deserves to be the rebound guy. You need time to yourself at this point to heal. Having a new guy, will just complicate things. You'd need a break from the game. [Don't use this as a excuse to break-up with the new guy, because he will think he can wait on you - let him know the chemistry just isn't there].On to the current situation with the old BF/Friend: It's a fact. Men are not as open with their feelings. However, you've known him for a long time. I'm not sure why he hides them, there is obviously feelings for you - a good chance more than friends. He is obviously jealous (do not mention to him that you think he likes you because he's jealous).The solution: You need to stop playing the game. He needs to stop playing them game. If you love someone, you don't play the game. Sometimes you have to be vulnerable. Sometimes you have to lay it on the line and understand there's a chance they *might* not feel the same way. The pro to this: It's always better to have a "no," than a "what if." I'd call this guy up, and I'd talk to him. Start the convo as you normally do, talk about his day, your day, (avoid bringing up the other guy at this point). Next..Tell him for what it's worth, you've been doing some "figuring out in your life as well." When you bring up the other guy, don't mention a lot of details, you're not trying to spark jealously - keep it short. Explain to him, that when you're with him (new guy). (New Guy) just doesn't make you feel the way he (OLD BF) does when he's with you. Tell him that you can live without him (OLD BF) but you liked life a lot better when he was in it. He made you happy. That you still care for him, and you love him. And if he's up for it, you're willing to give "us" another chance.Ask him: what he feels about this, does he still feel the same, or is it just friends? At this point, just listen to him (don't interrupt - if it's silence, be silent) - it's his turn now. Any guy in the world, if he loved you, this is his chance. If any guy wanted to be with you, he'd JUMP at this opportunity to lay it on the line.If he confesses his love, than that's good. All is great and I wish you two the best. Sometimes we need to loose what we have to know how much it's worth to us - this may have been the case.If he DOES NOT: Tell him, that you appreciate his honesty. That his honestly means a lot to you. At this point tell him, you're going to need sometime to put this past you. So you're not going to be seeing him or talking to him for awhile (don't give him a date or time, if he asks, say you don't know - it can be day, a week, a month, a year, or never - tell him this). Let him know that, once he walks away, he isn't going to get a second chance.You may want to call him, go to him, go see him, etc. DON'T. You need to be cut-off from him completely. No e-mails, no phone calls, no text messages, nothing. Don't even look at his picture. This will be hard. You're going to feel sad, you're going to cry, you're going to be miserable, it will take time. Loosing a relationship is like mourning someone who passed. It just takes time. It may take a month before you can bounce back and be yourself. You won't have motive to do anything, getting through work will be hard. You will withdraw, you will want to be alone. You will listen to sad songs. He will be on your mind 24/7. You will wonder, why, what if, etc. He will constantly be on your mind till he fades. Trust me, I know, I'm just getting out of a break-up myself. Me and the guy were close to marriage, he proposed, so yeah - it was tough, to me he was the one. I couldn't go to classes this semester. I'm just finally feeling like myself again, it's taken about 5-6 weeks.Another possibility: You guys broke up but were still in each others lives. He never knew what it meant to actually "loose you." He may try to get back with you, but I wouldn't depend on this. And if he does come knocking on your door, you two have a lot to sit down and talk about what you need in a relationship. So, don't move on just yet, give him this chance, talk to him. Don't be shy, you've known each other too long. Personally, I can't deal with a guy who doesn't show his feelings and isn't expressive. I'm that way, and I need someone who is willing to be affectionate so I can open up. This guy may be worth it to you.Either way, keep us posted - tell us what you decided to do, will you call him or see him? And give him this chance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): There have been a bunch of questions here lately on getting over an ex, and some really great advice. Browse around.
I have to think that your guy friend wasn't being entirely straight about being 'just friends'. I don't know why he didn't feel that he could 'fess up to having feelings for you, but his behaviour when you were dating the other guy screams jealousy.
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