A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About three weeks after ending a five year relationship with my ex I started talking to a guy and things went off great. It was honestly really amazing, he was perfect. I ended up having sex with him, and he had told me before hand that he was a virgin. He moved away to college but he sent me handwritten letters almost ever week. He was honestly the most perfect guy you could ever imagine, the only thing was that once he had moved away My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and she was put into a mental hospital and I think I wanted security and I started to obsess over my ex. It was honestly the hardest thing I had ever gone through and I became a very selfish person. We were never officially together, but he told me he loved me and everyone told me to keep talking to him, even though I was a mess and didnt want to and literally could not function. I was obsessed with my ex, but he didnt want me back, and I strung along mr perfect because that is what everyone told me I should do, they said it would be stupid of me not to be with him when he was so perfect, even after I insisted that I could not think about feeling for him like that. When he came back from Christmas break, my ex and I finally started talking again and got back together. I ignored all of the perfect guys phone calls and he finally ended up coming to my house and asking what was wrong and giving me a christmas present. I said I had a lot going on and that i felt like I was going crazy. I told him I would go to a show he was playing at and never showed. I never talked to him again, I sent him a letter telling him I was sorry, that i was a coward, that i had so much going on... but the truth is i didnt care at that point. Four months later I have a completely new boyfriend that I am really happy with, but I can't stop thinking about how terribly I treated this guy. He was literally the nicest, sweetest, most amazing person I've ever met and I hate that we haven't talked (we had been friends since high school) and that he possibly hates me. I don't know what to do. Should I message him again? should i just leave it alone? The guilt is driving me crazy, I have never treated anyone like that before and I'm a mess thinking about the pain I may have caused him.
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male
reader, lewisavinash  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 Leave him alone, Don't damage more, Damage is done, its useless to explain...!
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (7 April 2011):
Well, if you have already hurt him enough, it would be better just living him alone. So he can move on and find someone who's worth it and loves him.Don't get me wrong. I know you were going through something ugly and you didn't hurt him on purpose. But, what's done is done and pulling him near you again is going to hurt him more. So, to repair a little of the damage you did you should start thinking about what's the best for him. Right now you want to get in contact with him so he tells you he forgives you and you get the guilt out of you. Which is again a very selfish thing to do. Because, if he loves you still, he will tell you he forgives you even if he doesn't.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (7 April 2011):
 I've been that guy, more than once. And while I do, in time, forgive women for behaving that way, I've come to realize it happened in the best possible way for me. When you left this guy's life, it was going to hurt no matter what you did. Let's just accept that. But since you put yourself in the role of the villain, he gets to be angry, maybe even hate you for a time before he forgives. But at least it means he's not hating or blaming himself! At least he keeps his self respect! If you come back and apologize now, you become a better person (good for you) but he loses anyone to blame and starts thinking it was his fault and he's the failure (bad for him). You feel guilty for how you treated this nice guy (as all nice guys get treated, small wonder there are so few left), but going back now would just be hurting him again, doing it to him all over again. Just learn from your past and be good to the next nice guy you meet.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 I think you should just leave him alone now. Even if you feel guilty, it is best to give it time and let things happen by themselves, and not force things. If you happen to run into him again later on, just look him in the eyes and give him a sincere apology. No need for explanations, and don't seek forgiveness. Just say sorry, mean it, and let it be.
You already did say sorry in that letter though, so just let him be, unless you happen to run into him like I said, and the timing feels right. For now treat him like you'd treat an ex you screwed up with. Show him respect by leaving him alone.
We all learn from our mistakes, you are definitely not the only person to not treat another right. But we learn, and then we don't do it again. As long as you learned that lesson you can still carry your head high, because now you know better. It's what life is all about in the end, making mistakes and learning.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 April 2011):
If the guilt is eating you up, do it. Putting myself in this guy's shoes I think I would be accepting of an apology. Plus you did send him a letter so it's not like you up and vanished, leaving nothing but questions behind.
Just contact him, try to meet him in person or if that's not possible (or too scary) call him up through phone.
"Hey. I know we haven't talked in a long while, because of me. I've been thinking about what I put you through months ago and though I sent you a letter back then it just doesn't sit right with me. I was a mess because of the situation with my mom but that doesn't excuse the fact I treated you badly and you didn't deserve that. For what it's worth after all this time, I'm truly sorry."
Or something like that. This is just what popped up in my head, but I decided to write it down for you because I find calling someone up to apologize for something that happened a while ago one of the hardest things to do. Sometimes you can't find the words. So I hope that with this I can help you figure out how you want to go about this.
Last thing: great that you're pondering to do this. It takes courage and the reaction might not be positive, but it's right thing.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (7 April 2011):
You should write to him again, or even meet up and you should be open about everything that's gone on so he understands.
You also have to decide what you want from it to. If it's nothing as you're happy with your new boyfriend, you have to make that clear as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Nice guys finish last. He can join my club. Leave him alone. Your damage is done.
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