A
female
age
36-40,
*eezy41
writes:Dear Cupid,I do not know what to do. I am in a 4.5 years of relationship. Like 3 weeks ago, eveeything started to change. They go every friday to play volleyball or play poker and I used to go with him. One day, he told me whenever I go with him, he always loses money.He called me bad luck and begged me not to go there and told me he needs his time with his friends or that im controllin him too much. I decided not to go.Secondly, he most of the time helped me. When I need him, he called me needy and stop asking too much help. Then one day, he got caught driving drunk and arrested for 2 days. I wasnt there when he needed me this time cause I was pissed.He started to go out with his boys and in our relationship, we decided not to go boys and girls mix. IF im going out, i will only go out girls and if he is going out, he is only going out boys. ALL OFF a sudden, he changed this and told me he needs space and would love to go out mix if we fully trust each other. It has been 4 weeks not to see each other and today is Valentines Day and he wanted to come to my house with wine and chicken.i know he misses me for an intimacy or maybe not. I TOLERATED HIM GOING OUT MIX BUT ITS KILLING ME CAUSE HIS FRIENDS ARE NOT GOOD FRIEND, THEY ALWAYS HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER GIRLS.WHEN HE GOES OUT WITH THEM, HE COMES HOME 6AM. I DO LOVE HIM BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO.MAYBE KEEP A DISTAMNCE?---What would you guys do if you are in a 4.5 years relationship and u went through a tough weeks for almost 3 weeks then the girl started to tolerate just because of she loves her boyfriend?In 4.5 years relationship, you guys never go out mix now he is going out mix and asking you to give him a space and his friends are bad,sleeping each other friend's girls and you are scared?He most of the time calls you during the weekday? Cause he always go out during the weekend and comes home 6am?How would u make him realize, what he is hurting for? When you talk to him about these, he is telling you give him a space or brining drama?[Mod note: two questions about the same situation from the same OP combined.]
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 February 2014):
 I agree with SVC 100%
Sorry, the fat lady had sung already. (with that I mean it's over )
I would also guess he has somewhat of a gambling problem if you all of a sudden is bad luck? What a load of superstitious BS - obviously you swallowed it, but having all these rules for each other is ridiculous and it's not working nor is it making EITHER of you happy.
The fact that NEITHER of you can go out in mixed company says JUST how FRAGILE the relationship is. Where the HECK is the mutual trust, respect and dare I say it? LOVE?
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (14 February 2014):
 He's actions indicate that he has already one foot out the door. I suggest you look to walk away from the relationship with grace as the next step is for him to tell you its over.
I hope you have the strength to walk away as you are setting yourself up for more heartache. If he really love and cared for you, he would know you are miserable and make the changes, but he has not. Move one, you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): Right im going to make 2 vital points here.
1) Your relationship was never going to work if you "agreed" to only go out with certain people. Relationships are NOT as case of you can't do this and can only do that now your with me. Thats a sign of extreme jealousy and wanting to control what the other does so your happy.
2) I don't think hes like all his other mates. You can't pick who his mates are but yes your probably right they aren't the best friends he could have, but if he wants them you will only cause trouble if you try and part them. You've been together for a very long time and has he done what his mates are doing? No. You have every right to be worried, don't get me wrong but you have to trust him.
I think he is just being distant and defensive because he feels he hasn't had the freedom that he (and lets face it all of us) need. He probably does love you but is fed up of being tied down. I'm someone who doesnt believe in giving up your social life and normal activities when you get a new partner. Many disagree with me but how is a relationship going to work if they can't still have their own life. The problem is boys suck up to their mates which is why i perosnally would never go out with someone who is "one of the lads" as they change. Like you say he got caught drink driving. I bet he was rebelling and his mates were egging him on.
You sound like a very caring person and a good gf at that, I wouldn't like my bf to behave that way and I have recently fell out with an old friend because of the way hes changed now hes become one of the lads. It hurts but I'd advice you before you take any further action to speak to him and let him know that you understand he needs his own life and you will trust him, however you are jsut worried about how his mates influence him to act. Don't act like you are controlling him, just act like you care.
However, if he was to break your trust and do something his mates did, for example cheat on you then I would take that as the final flaw and get out of the relationship
Sure how your life together but you also need seperate lives apart which aren't limited by the other half. On the other hand, if you are someone who needs to have some sort of control, no matter how big or small it maybe over someones life this relationship is not for you, and he has done well to please you for so long.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2014):
 OP, clearly he is DONE with the relationship and is just too chicken to end it with you like an adult. He is behaving like a child.
IF he changed the rules (going out mixed) and you don't like that then you have ONE choice... that's to leave. Telling him he can't do it will only mean he will lie to you.
NOTE: HE has ALREADY emotionally checked out of the relationship. YOU can't change him or make him do what he does not want.
YOU are in love with the man YOU WANT HIM to be not the man he is.
time to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): If it's killing you, get out of the relationship. You've been together so long; and he made adjustments all to his own benefit. You've allowed yourself to become too dependent.
Now getting out of a miserable situation is like getting off an addictive drug. You're hooked an a man like heroin.
When you can't take it anymore; do whats best for you.
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