A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my girlfriend for years now. In the last handful of months, she's gotten extremely depressed and irritable. All she wants to do is sleep. She's taking her anger and frustration out on me. She's not spending any quality time with me. I feel like I've become a last priority. And honestly, I've even questioned her love for me. Being that we've been together so long, I didn't want to just give up. I've been trying so hard to hold this relationship together but it's now being held together at my emotional expense. Honestly, I've just felt like crying every night from the lack of anything I'm getting back from all my effort. It's finally taken its toll on me, and I've been drug down into depression, too. I'm extremely unhappy.At first I possibly thought maybe she was cheating on me. She felt so distant, and I know the signs to look for when someone's being unfaithful. But honestly, I looked into that, and I genuinely ruled that out as a possibility. I think she's just having an emotionally hard time. But last night I finally snapped. I confessed that she was so far from meeting my relationship needs, that I'd even considered cheating on her. I wasn't trying to upset her, but it had genuinely crossed my mind. I'm not a cheater, and ultimately I know I wouldn't do it. But it scared me that I even thought about it. And I wanted to communicate with her how serious this has become. And I told her that being with her was now hurting more than being without her. And that I needed to really back off of this relationship until she could prove to me she was in it. Well she told me she really understood and that she was really sorry, and promised she'd show me how much she cared and that she loves me. That I just needed to give her the chance to prove it. Well all day long, I backed off, waiting for her to show she cared. And all I've gotten was a handful of text messages. I didn't really respond to them enthusiastically like I normally would because I'm hurt. Her response to my apathy was to tell me she's trying and I'm just shooting down her effort. But to me, sending a few text messages isn't effort. And it's definitely not making up for all the months of hurt she's put me through. I feel like I'm entitled to be hurt and wait on her to finally really prove to me how much our relationship means. I feel like I deserve her to put in as much effort as I've put in so that I know it means to her what it means to me. So anyway, when she got off work tonight, she just went home, and texted to say she got there. I haven't heard from her anymore since then. I don't know what to do. I think she believes she's doing her part by "trying", and that since I'm not having it, it's my fault. And she's waiting on me to get in touch with her. But I told her if she can't show me she cares, then I have to leave her. How do I handle this? Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): Er...maybe I missed it but HOW is she supposed to make it up to you? The girl has to basically guess what you want her to do to show you (to your satisfaction) that she loves you. Sorry but you are not helping. I suffer from depression and right now I couldn't care less about my boyfriend. I put the phone down on him last night and he text me asking why I did that, I didn't answer him and I won't. I have an illness and need understanding and space just like your girlfriend. She needs to work this out for herself and you need to either be there for her or give her the space she needs.
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reader, mrg123  +, writes (17 April 2011):
 Lets start for the top and ask ourselves whats happening here. Your partner is obviously in a spiral of depression and if you should understand one thing about depression its that it can make you amazingly self-centred and come across as exceedingly selfish. This is why depressed people often lose friends, partners etc and it becomes a self-reinforcing spiral of garbage. As to the aggression, I know how that feels, but the key thing to remember, and I know how hard this is, is that you are the target because your the closest thing too her not because of anything else to do with you other than that. Its obviously bad that things have got this far and your sinking with her. Ultimately, your doing the right thing in asserting yourself and looking after yourself, BUT, your going about it slightly the wrong way in my eyes. Demanding things from her, making her feel worse, wont have any effect whatsoever accept driving her further into the mire. Your relationship is just becoming something shes failing at and another brick the wall around her is built with. What you need to do is take the heat off the relationship and stop making demands she make the effort with that per se. The real demand you need to be placing on her is not to send you so many texts a day but that she sorts herself out. Counselling certainly should be on the table at the very least because it seems to me she needs it. I dont see any immediate cause of the depression; you need to establish the cause before you can work on it, has there been a sudden life changing event that could have caused this in your partner? Since shes angry and frustrated im getting the feeling something has happened beyond her control, that shes angry about, and feels guilt connected too, maybe a recent family bereavement? For your own piece of mind you may need some quality time to yourself to recharge your batteries - its important you do something that takes your mind elsewhere and stops the drain she will be invariably causing. Like computer games? Play some X-Box. Like Music? Sit in a local park with your MP3/Ipod for a few hours. Make sure you take time out to do this. You get the idea of what I mean. Finally, although its tempting to walk away I get the distinct impression that is not what you really want. Its going to be hard on you but I think its ultimately worth sticking with this for the time being because if you dont then when you come too you may regret this. Good luck and keep us posted!
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