A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 21 year old guy in a 3 way relationship gone from bad to hell. I have had trouble with friends in the past..who betrayed me..or just used me..things like that, so i never wanted many friends just a few good ones. That's how things were a year ago when i went to study at a university. I looked forward to meeting new people, making friends and studying, because the year before that was emotionally exhausting..family troubles and exams..with the loss of some people i thought were my friends..but talked badly behind my back....and i was the last to know. Its so strange when i have no idea what's going on and then suddenly a goop of people grin in my face, call me names and 4 reasons i don't know seemingly hate me. Well..anyway i made it through all that..somehow with the help of my family and several close friends....Then..i met this girl..she was in my group..lol..under some really strange circumstances. We quickly became friends..it was a quick connection between us, we understood each-other, we had fun..and laughed. I think it's obvious that at one point i fell in love with her. Before i had the chance to tell her she told me that she had met this wonderful guy. So i waited..we were good friends..but i had other feelings 4 her as well. One night..i told what i felt 4 her. Of course she said that she was sorry, and that she was flattered, but we should stay friends, nothing more. It wasn't easy, but i never had someone with whom i could share so much..someone who understood me like she did..and as she said..she never had a good friend like me..who could understand her..and talk with her. Just so u understand..we studied and had fun fooling around at the university..then talked until midnight on the messenger..we kinda live 80 kilometers apart. I did everything 4 her..help at school..comfort her when her boyfriend's family wanted to "kill" her..and so on. It wasn't easy...seeing them kiss in front of me..watching as she..just "dumped" me and ran off with him every day..then when she had problems..she came and cried..we talked about them. As soon as she felt better..i was "second rate" again..she naturaly went with her bf. I understood that he was #1 for her..but still..she was #1 for me...so i broke down after a while...i felt used...and wanted to end the friendship..just get away..u know? She got mad..said and upset that i wanted to leave..i didn't want to talk to her...she didn't want or couldn't understand what the situation was..and how i felt. She called me..mailed me..so i went back, met her bf..we became sort of friends. Then when i broke down again..i made the mistake of asking them not to kiss each-other in front of me or at least that they should go someplace private or tell me to go some place other. Both of them "lashed out"...she yelled at me..that i had no right to ask something like that of them..that they have enough problems with his parents not wanting them to be together. I wanted to leave..soon after..break the friendship off again, but the same thing..she made me feel so guilty..called me..then asked 4 forgiveness. I went back again..but i already told her i didn't want to be friends with her..i don't get why i really went back...i must have felt sorry..she didn't have many friends either..she was depressed most of the time..then at other times she was so full of energy. I was also afraid that me leaving would cause her to have a depressive breakdown..knowing that at one time she cut her wrist..well not fully but i think u get the picture. :-...on the other hand i missed her terribly and..wanted to talk to her..see her smile. This...me leaving..because of the problems..and then coming back 4 the obvious reasons went back and forth for more than 12 months..i tried to get away from it all at least 5 times. In this period i ended up cutting one of my wrists..why?...i still don't know..maybe a cry for help. They bought me a little book in which i should write down my wishes and wants 4 the future..but it didn't help much..i wanted to be with her..so. She told me to get a girlfriend...but i couldn't..all i could think about was her. One day she told me that she loves me half way. we fooled around..and i ended up kissing her. Later she told her boy friend what happened..he and i had a talk about it..and i was warned that if anything like that would happen again he would forbid her from speaking to me. They had a fight over this too..she didn't want to give me up as a friend..so that's why he probably gave in. Things got worse after this. At one point i had enough and told her how much she hurt me..by wanting me to be her best friend, but not caring enough to respect my feelings. She took it badly...yelled about feeling like a disease...that i made her feel like she was a disease..that i didn't want to be her friend and that everything she does hurts me. Her boyfriend said that he didn't care if i live or die..and that i should stay away from her, but study with her and do what i must in projects for the university. He forbid her to talk to me, but she talks none the less. I told her..that i don't want to be friends with her like this..that she hurt me badly..that things can't go on like this. I admit..and i do feel guilty for hurting her too....for telling her that i loved her...for the gifts i gave her..for making her feel like a disease. I'm sure it was and is hard on her as well. She still talks to me...she's full of anger...and she constantly makes me feel guilty...with what she saiz. Well..this is it..she's 22..her boyfriend 19..and i'm 21. His parents hate her and don't want them to be together, her parents don't like me...most likely because i cut one of my wrists..he hates me..she's angry with me and makes me feel guilty, my parents don't like her...they found me sobbing a couple of times..and found out about me cutting my wrist. My exams r coming next month and i need to study..i feel guilty 4 everything that has happened..i tried to ask for forgiveness from both of them..she said nothing..and he told me to.."**** off". I don't know what to do anymore..:(..it has been 14 months or so, i have neglected my friends and family because of this and because i talked with her sorting out her troubles..and just simply talking to her most of the time. I feel like the last piece of ****...on earth...lost my self respect...i'm unsure of everything..most of all fear what the future holds...i don't know the extent of how much i hurt her and her boyfriend either..so i feel really guilty. Been having suicidal thoughts lately..but that would hurt the ones that love me..so no way i'm giving into them!I would like to hear an objective opinion on the matter. I'm lost on how things stand..and have no idea what to do. Things seem grim from my point of view.If anyone could help..i would appreciate it. Thank you very much.
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best friend, depressed, fell in love, get a girlfriend, kissing, my ex, period, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, canyonquest  +, writes (8 June 2010):
Dear friend !its really surprising to know dat der is another person on d other face of d world who is goin through d same pain i went through(or may b which m goin through rite now too).To speak honestly,u stand in a no where position...!I mean, u must b feelin dat its better to cut friendship with her coz its good for both of you..!But wen u go to do it,all u get back is a hard guilty feelin from her !so rite now,start cultivating to cut your feelings for her !i really mean it.! if u dont,u gotta suffer a lot more terrible things(from ma experience bro) and u dont break off with her, try to make friends,more friends,m sure dat der r ppl out der who really like u a lot,coz u r such a good guy !U see her as a friend(normally as ur other friends) !U gotta deviate ur mind to something or someone just to help u out of dis positionc some beautiful girl in ur college and make her ur crush,try to take off ur eyes from your friend !And rite now,u gotta go out wit ne other friend ur havin and have fun..! don carry phone if its remindin her of u !!Just do things,Be fun again, luv yourself...! And B yourself buddy..!!And B serious about your exams ! coz your parents might b expecting more from u den ur friend is !and to tell u der is no true love compared to your parents on you !! :)listen to music,dance,jump,fool around,play pranks,tease siblings,watch movies,play video games,go out wit gals,get lucky ;)i mean u ll not get a life again !and blieve or not m damn sure u ll get another girl who is more worthy and respects ur feelings more den nethin and gives d same luv back as u do :)take care !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): I can only encourage you to be the master of your own feelings and to avoid acting upon them when unappropriately. You certainly agree based on your experience, it is preferable not to interfere on similar occasions with other people's relationships. She probably thought your friendship would remain unaltered and continued to consult you even in her relationship problems. You felt used because you could not LIMIT to being friends, as you were controlled by your feelings. It all collapsed when even the friendship shattered. The correct way would have been to be patient with yourself and to be patient with your patience, until the feelings would eventually have discolored, as they weren't receiving encouragement from your friend. You can't pressurise a person without subsequent adverse effects for both. And to excuse her behaviour, I can even think you hadn't mentioned your feelings in a while, so she may have thought you had forgotten/surpassed this stage, when she engaged ina public display of affection while you were near. Please don't despair! Consider this a learning experience that teaches you how to manage the flux of emotions sometimes very hard to deal with, especially when we are unexperienced. Your happiness may be just a round teh corner, darling, don't despair. If you can and if it is possible to maintain contact, do it. But tell her it will only be as "friends" and nothing more. If you prove her it's indeed your intention and you will not overpass these limits again - and it wouldn't be fair, she being in a relationship =, that will be admirable of you. And there are other young ladies out there - of course when you're not the most popular person, it's not so easy, but it is... realisable. Always. "God doesn't put into your purse more than you can carry", right? Courage! And happy holidays!!!
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A
female
reader, Miggy  +, writes (21 December 2007):
ok first of all, cheer up. im sure you have loads to live for.
no matter how you feel about this girl, you need her out of your life, asap. shes obviously causing you problems, and isnt a good friend at all.
its not good to be friends with people who treat you that way and mess you around.
maybe you should take a vacation?
good luck
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A
female
reader, Landie  +, writes (21 December 2007):
 I feel for you, the situation you are in is not healthy.
I know you love her but is she worth the pain you going though? If you really ment that much to her as she says you do don't you think that she you concider how you felt when you asked them not to kiss in front of you.
In life you will always have ppl who talk behind your back. I know it happens to me to but as much as it hurts the only thing you can do is ignore it. You will find friends who don't do it I've only found a true friend like that now.
You have to do whats best for you and that is to LEAVE HER COMPLETELY. Call your phone suscriber and get them to block her calls. She is only using you once you delete here out of your life you will start feeling beter. Yes it will hurt for a while but in all honesty she is abusing you as a person and as a friend. Ignore her phone calls and tell her to leave you alone.
Good luck
And if you wanna talk send me a message.
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