A
male
age
51-59,
*live
writes:I am a 35 year old married man with 2 children, one 4 and one 6months old. I am told by my peers that i have it all. I have the good career, i have the beautiful wife, the big house, 2 great kids, good friends yet i remain unsatisfied with what i have. Im not desperatley unhappy though i have battled depression before, which i will come onto later. I long for other things and have embarked on a series of affairs despite all i have because they have given me a high. Of course with the highs come the lows and one of the other girls i see, who i had a physical affair with a couple of years ago i adore and she gives me a high ive never felt before. She can also give me terrible lows, so she isnt perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but i do know were it not for my personal situation i would have a relationship with her. This is of course dreamland because in all of the cases i create a back story that i am not married.I am to put it very bluntly a serial liar, cheater and not a very nice person if you look at it like that, particularly to my wife, who has never suspected a thing. Dont get me wrong we have a very good relationship on the whole but my hunger for other things drives me into the arms of other women and to make matters worse, i enjoy it and i get away with it. I dont actually want to be this way at all, i really want to be satisfied with my lot and be in love and sometimes i am and sometimes i simply am not and going through with the temptations i have is easy. The risks that are there eg lose a beautiful and loving wife and my two children do not seem to stop me, i know that there is help available for sex addicts and people like that, but it seems to be having the emotional connection that i look for and crave so much. In most occasions because of the complete fabrications i build up as a back story the girl will fall for me and then there is the drama and eventual fallout. With the 2 i currently have the emotional connection with they seem to fill a void and if i get that via sex or just by simply meeting up with a beautiful woman then thats what i seem to do. I have the same issues of lots of men in terms of emotion and feelings, im not very good, some would say as cold as ice, yet i am emotional inside and i am able to express them to the others in my life and not sometimes to the people i should and it is destroying me. I love my wife and i love my kids like nothing else, the tragedy i fear is that i am on a path to self destruction that somehow i am unwilling to prevent from happening.In 2004/2005 i had a few problems and had counselling for depression, all related to women, all related to me and my problems. I had never been 100% faithful to my then fiancee and had embarked on an emotional affair with a girl as opposed to the physical situations id had before. The counselling centred around me and what makes me tick and why and it seemed i had done these things as a bit of a rush and that my bond with my partner wasnt quite as good as it should be. We both went to relate who were simply awful and had separate counselling and we both improved. My counselling told me i was forever seeking this rush and the romance of it all, that i didnt realise or acnowledge the good things about me and my life and without a father figure i was treading water and needed to find one. I also got bad advice and nearly lost and i have no idea what would have happened, but i know that place would have been quite dark.By way of backgound i seemed to have a happy childhood and nothing unusual i suppose but my father had an affair and left for the other side of the planet when i was about 14 years old which left my amazing mother to effectively bring up 2 very difficult and boisterous teenage boys. My mum became cold as a result and i became colder particularly with my emotions which most of the time remain inside to build and then get delivered in one foul punch. My dad provided us with holidays and the money to send us to an all boys school, or to tell us off. He had always had a problem in demonstrating whether he was proud of us and never really rewarded either of us, his way was usually that we could do better rather than didnt we do well. Even when i have been working, promotions were rewarded with the fact that i could buy him another beer, not a well done - ever. My dad died of cancer in 2006, which was very difficult because of never being able to remove all of that from within. It is bizarre but every popcorn family movie that i may watch with my son has a trashy dad who works too hard and then realises what he has, changes and saves the day. It actually makes me cry, a trashy, daft movie but i never had that father figure and im desperate to be one for my kids and more desperate not to turn into him and run away from all he has for the highs and lows of the double and sometimes treble lives i am leading. I am still however struggling and i dont know why i do things. I am currently having an affair, which for me is mainly physical with a girl about 20 miles away, she make such an effort and makes me feel great and also meeting up with a girl i previously had a fling with about 2 years ago for quiet dinners. The latter i adore and would have a relationship but for my amazing children and she makes me try so hard its unbelievable. The effort and energy i put in is incredible.There is absolutley nothing with my wife. During my first bout of depression she was unbelievable, she was pregnant and basically stuck up for me with others and with me through the whole situation and we created this tight bond and i have enormous respect when she could have just left and walked away when i came out with what i did. I dont blame this on anyone but myself and i know all i do is wrong morally, yet is it like i am addicted to seeking these other highs that i get elsewhere. It seems terribly disrespectful to my wife but also to myself for doing this when i am certainly on face value one of the good guys. I have perpetual turnoil because i know this cant go on and the last thing i want is to go back to a dark place, but without dealing with this i fear i will.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): i think your problem is so deep rooted that nobody here would be able to effectively help you. i can judge you for the mess you have made, the affairs, you living a lie and so forth but it will all fall on deaf ears since you are consumed by this insatiable need. you are out of control and need help immediately.
i just pity the faithful wife and innocent kids. they do not deserve what you will put them through. your father messed up your life and sadly you will mess up theirs. its so funny, sometimes the very people we despise are the very people we become. your all consuming desire to have it all, the thrill, the escapism atc will result in you losing it all. soon. and you will only have your self to blame. why ? because you know what you need to do yet blatantly (actually blase) disrespect the very fundamental moral value system you profess to have. you are living a lie and the only person you are fooling is basically you. by pretending and continuing with this perfect lie you get more and more morally eroded.
where will it all end. you are currently out of control yet your actions is a desperate cry for help. so please seek professional assistance. this is the only thing that may save you. from yourself. or else you will be staring defeat ( the loss of marriage, wife, kids, home , friends) in the face. this is reality. its time to snap out of fantasy land and live life realistically.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): wow, talk about screwing up your kids lives. If you loved your kids you would tell the truth and divorce your wife and live in truth. As it is, youre basicaly destroying your kids lives. They will find out what you are like, and hate you for it, believe me, it happened to me, and its happend with a lot of my friends. But if you tell the truth theu will respect you and the decisions you make and maybe you can have a relationship with them as they get older.
Secondly, doesnt your wife deserve the respect and basic human decency to not be cheated on! You need to leave your wife and try to but some semblance of a life back together for yourself. At the moment youre just building up to destroy the people you claim to love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I think what you are suffering from is a lack of substance, a why me attitude and a general disregard for yourself, your wife your children and whoever else you have been involved with.You put yourself worth on every thing external to you and therefore always feel empty. This ridiculous self pity is your justification for treating others badly, you are very emotionally immature and it is ashame that you have never opened yourself up truly and completely just as you are with out all these masks and felt real unconditional make your shiver with excitement love.You are a media stereotype and the sooner you realise that the quicker you can stop trying to complicate your life further and be a decent human being, father and husband-I guarentee you if you do more than just pay lip surface to your life you will become content.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 First off, I really do feel bad for your wife and kids. I mean if this is how you have always been, then why did you bother marrying a woman and having children with her? If this woman is all that you say she is, and she helps you through major rough points in your life and is always there for you, then you're never going to be happy with any one woman. You're always going to be looking for something else, because you never stop and see how good you have it. You are always putting your 'highs' before other people, and that's destructive and wrong for those who love you. Have you ever stopped to think about that? Are these highs worth more than your family is? If so, you shouldn't even be with your family anymore. You aren't addicted. You are making excuses. Everything you have done this far is a choice. Now you have to ask yourself, what am I going to do now? What would make this better? Do you even want to stop? Do you want to change?
I'm assuming you do, because you posted this. You've been living lies all your life, so the first step to change is to start living truths. Facing the consequences of your choices can be really sobering, so the first step is to come clean with the people you supposedly love. Your wife. It's not fair to her that you are going behind her back and doing all of this. You need to tell her what you're doing. Based on her reaction, you might end up a divorced man, which is what you want anyway, right? Obviously. Because of your choices. At least she'll still be getting your pay check. And maybe she'll even let you see the kids every once in a while. Maybe with that time alone, you'll be able to access what was really important in your life. And if you don't, at least you'll be single and able to find what really makes you happy. This is what this conflict is about, right? What is important vs what makes YOU happy.
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