A
female
age
51-59,
*trfliz1713
writes:I've been seeing this man for some time now and have strong feelings for him. We talk about moving in together even he has brought up marriage a few times, but the other day when I told him I loved him his expression was like a deer caught in head lights and his response was thank you. What does this mean? What do I do? Am I wasting my time with him? Am I just goin to get hurt?
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reader, Btrfliz1713 +, writes (24 October 2012):
Btrfliz1713 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so very much for your generous words. I appreciate your help!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I have had the exact same experience with my husband.
we are together 2 years and newlyweds... and I rarely hear I LOVE YOU... and never "I love you too" (although he did say that once when I had not said I LOVE YOU)
For the longest time he told me.. "i don't say "i love you""
and I respected that and learned to see his behavior as his way of saying "I love you" (reading the book the 5 languages of love really helped)
I remember exactly saying to him once "I love you" and he said "thank you" and I was floored. destroyed. HURT.
wondering if this man loved me back... (he did and he does)... but it's very upsetting to put yourself out there and get "thank you"
BUT my husband's rationale was that he was deeply touched and honored that I loved him. and he was grateful for being loved by me... but he never feels the need to say "I love you too" or "i love you back"...
best bet is to ASK him what he means... if you are seeing each other for some time, if you are serious enough to say "I love you" then it should be fairly easy to ask him what he meant...
until you talk about it you have no idea what he meant.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Hi there,You ask what does it mean? It means he is not able or ready to say the words. What do you do? You keep seeing him, you don't end a relationship because he does not say the words back. Are you wasting your time with him? No, and I will elaborate just now.Are you just going to get hurt? Maybe not.You say you have been "seeing" a man for some time now... we don't know if it's 2 months, or 2 years, but time does not change the fact that some men can't or won't say the words - that does NOT mean they don't feel anything, or care, or even feel the same thing as you. The fact you have talked about moving in together, and even marriage, is a good indicator that you're looking to the future in this relationship. Sure, society, movies and books like to make us believe the guy says I LOVE YOU, first, and then we respond in kind. However, there are many examples where the guy does not say it, and feels it.I am such an example. I have been living with my guy for 2 years, and to date he has never said those romantic words to me: I love you. What you need to know though is, I have never ever in my whole life felt as LOVED as I am by him!!! He is committed, he is loyal and faithful, he has spoken about our future, we plan to get married next year, and he shows me THROUGH ACTION, that he loves me very much. By giving of himself, his time, his thoughtfulness, his tender loving care, everything screams that he loves me. The words themselves would be nice, but are not a pre-requisite because he has shown it from day 1.I would rather have what I have with him, than the previous guy who I almost married, who said I LOVE YOU many many times a day, with the red roses, smooth words, and CHEATED.So decide, are the words so important after all? or not? Perhaps it's his character, his personality, how he treats you, how you FEEL his love in everything and through everything that is him, that matters more!!!Why do some of them never say it? because of the way they were brought up (not shown much love). Others it's because they had many girls in the past tell them they love them, and those girls were married, or cheated with or to him. Others it's because the words can be empty, if not followed by actions.So don't take people's advice that you end things if he does not say it - if he SHOWS it and you FEEL it, forget the words and take the good heart of a man over the fake words. It took me 40 years to realise, it's actions that count, not their empty promises or words. Good luck and wishing you happinessAnonymouse in love
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2012):
 In your case, I think the words terrify him. He can talk about both marriage and cohabitation, and usually the step of the declaration of love has happened before these subjects are talked about.
There are exceptions, as there always are, but typically, guys choose to say "I love you" because to them, it means something different than when a woman says it. Women say it because they feel it, plain and simple. For some guys, saying the words is as nerve wracking as proposing. It's a commitment. It's a next step. It's a formal declaration, and they're fully aware of what will change in their relationship with the one they love. This is scary!
For other guys, and I think this is where yours falls into, they simply do not want to display feelings. It embarrasses them, makes them feel vulnerable, sets their teeth on edge, and they hate it. Many of these guys shrink from verbal intimacy.
Unfortunately, for some guys, they don't say it because they're not in love. However, I don't think your guy is in this category because one doesn't talk about marriage if they're not in love....UNLESS he's in a relationship for a benefit other than love, in which case he'll say whatever it takes to keep a woman in bed. BUT, usually a guy who says whatever it takes to keep a woman in bed will throw out the "I love you" phrase cheaply.
If I were guessing, I'd say that he falls more into the fear of emotional intimacy category.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Depending on his past experiences in past relationships, those 3 words may mean very different things and maybe he has no idea what YOU mean when you say them. for some people, once you say "i love you" it means it's practically a promise to marry them. After all how can you say you love someone and then back out of marrying them, right? So those words are used like a trap. Well that's how some people take it to mean. Other people take "i love you" to mean that you must unconditionally accept everything they do and shouldn't make any demands on them. and for yet other people, saying "i love you" means that now you have to be exclusive and not casually date anyone else. regardless, for many people who have had past relationships that didn't work out, those 3 words carry baggage and expectation. it just depends on what his past experiences have made him think those 3 words mean. It may not be the same as what YOU take them to mean. but probably he is freaked out thinking that now you have changed your expectations of him in some way because you said those words.
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reader, Basschick  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 It means he may not feel the same way about you, but rather than say nothing, he said "thank you" because he has good manners and didn't want to upset you with complete silence. On the other hand, it's a well known fact that many men really don't know how they feel about a woman until the woman puts it front and center stage and forces him to think about how he feels and quantify those feelings. Men are very good at "coasting" through a relationship by doing nothing to move it forward or backwards. It's the old rule, if it aint broke.....but generally women do not want to waste time in neutral and eventually we usually have to force a man to look at things more closely and decide what side of the fence they truly want to be on?...When a women makes that confession first, and your man gives you that deer in the headlight, that is clearly a man who's on the fence and now he's been nudged one way or the other. He'll either realize how he feels and come forward with his own statemetn of love, or he will begin to move backwards to the door. I'd be willing to bet if he's been with you for awhile, he'll step up to the plate. Just be patient, he may need a few days to digest it. Good luck.
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reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I know how you feel. I was getting into my car and sort of like telling my daughter I just happened to say "take care, I love you" and then I freaked out and he said "you do?" At first I thought his response was funny, especially since what I said just slipped out.
Aunty Em is RIGHT ON. If after you say that the person pulls away, they probably aren't in the same place. But if they keep working on the relationship and building trust, it simply means they aren't ready to say it. For some people, it is very, very hard. It's only been 2 months for me but the guy is taking baby steps like saying "our" and "we" and also planning events for 6 months out. He hasn't said "I love you" but he did say "I have feelings for you and I have never said that to anyone before."
So, yes, look at the behavior. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): When two people start seeing each other, eventually (hopefully) if the relationship is right and the intimacy is there, they fall in love. However, they don't necessarily fall in love at the same time on the same day :)Different people are different, some take a lot of time to warm up, others fall in love quickly. If you have said it and he got caught off guard, it probably means he isn't in love with you YET and might just need a bit more time to feel that its ok for him to fall in love, or he might love you and not be ready to say it, or he might just be uncomfortable talking about it. People often have their reasons, they are varied, and they most likely don't have anything to do with you, rather their ability or inability to experience and express love has much more to do with the way love was shown or given during childhood, and his past experiences (good and bad) being in love. If you feel like you want to, and are able to, you can have a conversation about it, or you can just take your time and let him come round. I would recommend a bit of time here, he sounds like he isn't quite ready to face the prospect of being in love and what it means for him, but I suspect that if you give a bit of time, he will come round.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): I said "thank you" once as well. It's because I couldn't say "I love you too" back at the person. I could maybe understand if this was young love and you're panicking, but if he is in the 41-50 age range as you, I would caution you to pay very close attention to his actions and how he responds when you breach the topic of love again.
If you want to know if you're wasting your time, either tell him you love him again and see how he responds, or ask him why he reacted the way he did. Talking about moving in together and talking about having a family is just that - talk. I like to talk about endless possibilities and hypothetical situations. It doesn't mean I would actually do those things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Some men seem to really struggle with those words. How long have you been dating? If he is able to talk about a future together & even marriage, I'm sure he cares, even if he can't say it yet.
I know it hurts to tell someone that, and not hear it back. I'd give it some time, if months go by & he still can't say it, then maybe rethink the relationship.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Ouch, so sorry that happened to you, it's always a tense moment when you tell someone for the first time...and to be met with anything other than 'I love you too' is akward to say the least.
Some men are just not good at saying it, even if they feel it and some fear it as the final step to commitment.
Does he call you his girlfriend/partner...or are you just 'seeing' eachother?
I know you feel like freaking out right now, but try not to. Pay attention to his actions rather than his words, if you feel him pulling away then perhaps the relationship isn't as strong as you imagine. If, however he is still as loving and attentive, maybe he just needs a little more time to express what he is feeling.
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