A
female
age
41-50,
*IERIN
writes:Hey, My friend (not me at all) just told me she is pregnant, with this guy that left her right after she told him. He was never a real relationship, which all her friends kept telling her, but she didnt listen. He had her just for the weekend fun, which was really sad. she got pregnant, told him, he left. She found out, he lied about his age and also he had another 2 children w other women, ... he also left, cause they got pregnant. She is not a citizen, she has no place to live, except the people she works for as a live in nanny, she has absolutely no money, no family here and almost no friends (except mabye 2-including me). She has no car, no health insurance.... etcI have told her, she should think about this very carefully. I went thorught the same thing and I know what I am talking about. I told her, it will be hard, but she should realised, that this poor baby will be without a father and her as his mother could have many problems. Who will take care of her, if she has bad pregnancy or gets ill? Who will support her when her 2 friends are not around, who will give her better place to live, when she has no money ... so many things speak against her .I have told her, that I am here for her, no matter what her decision might be, but that she should think about it... all she is talking about is that she will keep it because she will not do, what he told her (getting an abortion). I told her, dont think of him he is out, he aint coming back. He never loved you .. and you know it ... etc ... I know I told her the cold truth, but who else will? She sent me to hell and said I am mean to her for telling her all these things, and that she will never ask me for help again and that I want her to have an abortion too, which is not true. What I told her is to think of it... not to just jump into it without thinking it through.I dont know how to show her that I do care, but I do think she is making a horrible mistake. She is only 28 years old and a beautiful woman.. but who will be here for her, when I move away... and she has no one around to help? I am worrying about her. please help
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (7 May 2009):
 Your stuck between a rock and a hard place really.
You have tried to help your friend and as she is adamant she wants to keep the baby then I can understand that. However, if she is going to struggle financially and could ultimately lose her job she may have no choice but to return to her home country, she has to put her child and herself first when it comes to her health and that of her child's.
If she refuses to listen to you then I'm not sure what else to advise, I think the foreign embassy for her country may be one place to start but getting information on any entitlements may be more important.
You can't at the end of the day make all the decisions for her but unless she wants to end up on the streets with no money and having to do ANYTHING to get it she is facing a very bleak outcome unless she stops burying her head in the sand and hoping it will all work out OK. You could try and get her some information so that she can read it, at the end of the day that is ALL you can do. She needs to WANT to help herself and her child, YOU can't do that for her.
Keep me posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (6 May 2009):
LIERIN is verified as being by the original poster of the question No, she has no papers .. no insurance
She could go back home, but she doesnt want to - she would have a gerat life w a baby back home, her mom woudl help her.
The family she works for knows, but has no idea she wants to keep it.
Yes, she knows info about the guy .. she will get a child support out of him.
Her health is not good either .. will have problems w delivery and pregnancy itself.
She would never give achild for an adoption or anything like that.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (5 May 2009):
Well I realise everything you are saying is completely true but she has obviously resigned herself to the fact that she does not want an abortion. I know you weren't telling her to but in her eyes that is all she can think about.
Have you tried to talk to her about either giving up her baby for adoption or putting her child into foster care so that she can find her feet again after the baby is born.
Does the family she works for give her any benefits, i.e. any medical cover at all? Do they know she is pregnant yet or not?
Does her family know?
You say she is not a citizen so is in the US on a working permit presumably, can she take out any type of insurance to cover herself for medical bills, does she earn enough to do that? Has she tried to find out anything about any rights she may have given that she is now pregnant and in need of extra financial help?
Can she get any money out of the man who got her pregnant or does she have contact details so that something like social services (in the UK), can try and track him down so that he has to support her and the baby in any way? If she is a foreign national can her embassy help her in any way with finding out any further information.
I think you need to try and put down as much helpful information in a letter and send it to her so that she can see you are trying to look out for her and give her as many options as possible.
Right now she is scared and alone and feeling extremely vunerable and afraid of the future, the only thing she is clinging onto is the baby that is growing inside of her, could she return to her home country? What is the situation back home for her? I realise that flying whilst pregnant can also be risky and if she does not have a great financial situation in her home country would she be worse off in one way but have family support instead? Again there are many options here for her to consider.
I think just outlining her options and seeing if there is anything that can be done to help her may be a way forward. There is also the danger that if she is upfront with the family she is working for - they may decide to sack her because she is no longer the viable proposition she once was and she is hired to look after their children and not her own.
It can't be easy for her and more so for her friend's who are trying to be there for her. All you can do is outline what help she is entitled to or not as the case may be and the rest really is down to her. Just be there for her if you can and the final decisions HAVE to be hers.
Wish you well and keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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