A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, bit of a long complicated situation. So a while back I told one of my friends that I liked her as more than a friend and she was super cool about it but told me that she didn't feel the same way. We still remained friends but I always felt I wanted more even though I knew nothing was ever going to happen between us. I never said anything about it because I didn't want to jeopardize the friendship.Anyway, In June of last year it all finally came out when I invited her and a few friends over for a small gathering and she asked if she could bring her boyfriend. At first I said yes but then said no because I still had those feelings for her and even though I knew nothing was going to happen between us I just knew deep down I wasn't ready to see her with another guy just yet.So long story short after all this she suggested that we postpone the event until we "have time to talk and discuss things beforehand" I agreed and asked her when she would be able to meet face to face and talk this out. After 5 weeks she responded that she didn't want to talk about it. Now I know i pushed her too far when I kept asking her to talk about it and she let me know with a long and frustrated sounding text and it was in my response I messed things up. Towards the end of it I questioned her motives for hanging out with me immediately after I told her I liked her because of something she had said earlier and understandably she got very upset and we haven't talked since.Since the incident I have tried to get on with my life. I started to go out a bit more on campus, trying to hang out with other friends and even gone into the realm of online dating in an attempt to try and get over her. However, a day doesn't go by when I don't think about her and wish I could make things right with her. I want so desperately to have a chance to tell her face to face how sorry I am but I also fear that (if by some divine miracle she agrees to meet up and we somehow sort this all out) I will just go back to feeling the same way I did before the incident happened . So my question is, how do I deal with this deep desire to contact her one last time and try and sort this whole thing out but knowing that it may just lead us back to where we were before all this happened?Any help is appreciated, Thanks
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 Nothing you say to her will change how she feels or how you feel. It will not make it better.
She's made it clear that she is not feeling the way about you that you feel about her and want her to feel about you.
You can say over and over that you want to be friends but we know that's a lie.. even to yourself. You WANT MORE... it's not going to happen.
that being said, nothing you say or do can fix this and it's over and done... lesson learned.
to help you cope, you can write her long long letters that tell her exactly how you feel.
then your options are
1. seal it up in an envelope and put it away to read in 5 years to see how you have grown and matured
2. burn it.
UNDER NO circumstances should you MAIL or send it or give it to the young lady.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2014):
 You need to let her go. YOU can't be her friend because you want more. You somehow feel entitled to a return of your affections. The thing is SHE doesn't FEEL the same way, she already shot you down once and started dating someone SHE did care for THAT way. And you got upset.
So now you LOST a friend. SHE lost a friend.
There is NOTHING to sort out. SHE doesn't WANT you as her BF and you don't know how to JUST be her friend. End of story.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 Edit : It should read :" probably she wanted to feel... she did not have to make your crush HER problem ".
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 Hello,
You need to accept that this girl is never going to feel the same way as you do. She doesn't have feelings for you and that will never realistically change. Likewise, your strong feelings are not going to change unless you move on.
Trying to be "just friends" wont work because the will be torn apart by your feelings for her, especially when she is in relationships with other men. You cannot turn off your feelings, nor can you wind back the clock.
Contacting her again is likely to cause more upset and she would have contacted you if she wanted to solve this issue.
Deep down I think you know that the reason you want to apologise and meet with her is because you are still hoping that against all odds she will fall for you and have a happy ending. Sorry but that's not going to happen.
You need to ride out the storm. Its hard but this will pass. Keep hanging out with other people, in particular people who are separate form her and her friends. Concentrate on your hobbies, studies and so on. Internet dating is likely to cause more frustration, as an experienced online dater I know how hard it can be to meet someone special online.
Give it time and it WILL pass.
Mark
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 May 2014):
Let it go. What do you want to sort out ? basically, there was nothing to sort out to begin with.
The long and the short of it, is that you had a crush on this girl, and she did not feel the same and she got another bf. Which, you ,understandably ,had a bit of problem with, - on the other end, she , while not intentionally wanting to hurt you, probably wanted to feel that she did not have to walk on eggs for being able to be around you and did not have not to make your crush HER problem. I'd bet that all the sorting out she wanted to do, was along the lines of :listen pal, if you can act " normal " around me, and not stir up drama when I show up with my bf ,and let me live my life serenely, we can still be friends, if everything has to turn into drama eh well, see ya some other time. That may sound cruel or selfish, but, really, it's not the girl fault's if you like her romantically, so either you could handle it , or you could not, what was there to sort out ?
You don't say what you told her toward the end of your emotional e-mail that may have offended her, if I have to make a guess I imagine it's something like " then you just used me for attention " or something like that. What I think, it's that she did not even got really upset or offended, she just does not need the drama and the complications. As harsh as it may sound, it's YOUR problem if you are in love wit her, YOU have to find a way to cope with it ; as for her , if you want to stay friends without pressure and hysterics, cool, otherwise... life goes on, and she's focused on her bf anyway.
I'd really really let it be. I doubt you'd get any enlightening breakthrough from a " sorting out ", or any major change in her attitude, - and you'd just be hurting yourself and reopening half closed wounds, screwing up your process of moving on.
It's too bad that you've lost a friend, that's always a pity, then again, come on, you were interested in her not as a friend, but as a crush and as an object of love and / or desire. You CAN'T, in practice, stay friends with someone you have the hots for, - these are things that run on different tracks !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): Sounds like you're going through almost the exact thing I went through with my friend a couple days ago. This is the question I posted http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-feel-bad-for-moving-on-first.htmlThe best advise I can give you is to move on. Forget about her and focus on recovering yourself. Keep reminding yourself that it wasn't meant to be. Chances are that if you did end back up friends with her, you will develop those emotions once again. And you WILL be back to feeling miserable every time you come to the realization that she has a boyfriend and you're not the one she wants. Save yourself the agony and move forward with your life now. It's the best move you have.Although, moving on for me wasn't easy, I did realize that it was my best option. I liked her but she didn't feel the same. Cutting ties was the best decision I made because here I am today, feeling sooo much more alive than I did a few days back. I'm back into my hobby FULL DRIVE, hanging with friends and just all around being the guy I knew I could be. I still see her everyday at school though. Even better is the knowledge of knowing there are other girls who are checking me out. Mostly because I'm not moping around over some girl that didn't like me. They can sense the life in my eyes.The temptation to talk to her is completely gone and I find it easier to walk past her without feeling awkward. The trick to it is, KNOW that things weren't meant to be. ACCEPT that you and her weren't right for each other. Would you want to be friends with someone who didn't appreciate you the same way you appreciated them?? No. So why even entertain the thought of befriending her?Let it go. I know it seems hard right now but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm living proof that there is.
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