A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Friend of 2 and half years now, she moved to CA for pursuing PhD with her Boyfriend (Both American, they’ve been dating for 3 years before moving to CA). She became my close friend. I’ve been nice, kind and caring to her, always been there to help her, attentive, and always take care of her pets when she visits parents in NY(I m from India, all of my female friends have told me that I am the nicest guy they’ve met). She is attractive, nice, kind sweet person, she helped me when I needed. During 1st year sometimes I felt that she was interested in me, one day she said in front of her Boyfriend that she likes me because I have a fine taste, her Boyfriend got little angry, she would stare at me and smile, she hugged me couple of times after classes, she’d bake cup cakes and cookies and bring them for me, she would invite me to pubs, movies, etc to come along with them, when she visited her parents she sent me a postcard, but I was not sure whether she was interested in me or not as she is committed and is living with BF. After a year her Boyfriend finished his studies and got a Job. One day in school she looked at me, I don’t know what was it, I felt some connection, it is very difficult to define, then one day she told me that I saw you in my dreams, I told her my sister will be visiting US, so she said that she wants to meet my sister and wants to know all my secrets. One day friends group when to a restaurant, some friends asked her Boyfriend that he has job now, when is he planning to marry her, he said why marriage is required it is just a piece of paper, after his response my friend said loudly that if he doesn’t marry her she will marry me, then she sat next to me and leaned on me, her Boyfriend was looking at me in an angrily, I was shocked. Then after a month or so, she texted me to watch a movie with her, I went to movie theater and bought 3 tickets(for me, her and her BF) soon she arrived without her BF, I asked her about her BF, she said that don’t ask me about him, then we returned 1 ticket, she told me that he has gone to party with some friends, she said to me that treat this as a date, I am a very shy person, so I could not respond to her appropriately, but I was very happy because it was the first date in my life, slowly I had fallen in love with her. One day we went to shopping and she told me that she liked shopping with me. On her birthday party she tried to introduce girls to one of her friend (not close), but she never introduced any girls to me, she has said 2-3 times my female friends and she thinks that I should not find a girlfriend because I can go to movies and shopping with them. Then within 20 days of movie date, her boyfriend proposed to her to marry him, and she said yes. I felt pain but I was happy for her. Recently told her that if she was single I would have dated her. She responds even tough I am a nice guy, she was never interested in me, I need learn to differentiate between serious things and trivial things Now she does not want to talk to me, some day ago when I met her, she told me that she needs space from me for a while, what does it mean, she does not want to be my friend any more? Now she doesn't even say Hi to me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome days before I told her my feelings I heard her saying that there is one girl in her BF’s office, her BF’s office friends went for dinner, and she observed that office girl was trying to avoid her, avoiding eye contact, after hearing this one friend said that may be that girl likes him. He is a good looking guy, and makes good money, I don’t know whether he is cheating her or not.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for responding, here is an updateI like her very much, it is like impossible to move on, I see her at school, friends places, as she asked me to give space to her for a while, I am giving her lots of space by not emailing, texting, calling or talking, I am just responding to project or school related emails, it is crushing me to see her make plans without my involvement with other friends in our group. Only thing she said to me yesterday when I met her at a friends place is could you open that window. I was her very close friend, when her BF goes to other cities for conference our group of friends would go out to movies and restaurants, she would always tell me to sit next to her, sometimes in school, campus events, she winked at me once just 20 days before her engagement. She inspired me in a way that no one ever has been able to, the day she said I saw you in my dreams, I decided to go to gym regularly, since then I have lost 40 lbs, my parents, sister, other love interests were never able to inspire me in this way (I would give up in a week or so). Her boyfriend seems to be nice, but I found him controlling, he yells at her for small reasons, one day we were playing Monopoly, he was telling rules, she said I know this, then he said if you ask again I will yell at you, on our camping trip she bought extra pasta sauce, he then made her feel bad by saying why did you buy this much, we don’t need this much, after that I felt she was sad. When she goes to shopping with her, she was saying that he makes her feel bad by saying you don’t need this, but he buys expensive stuff for himself, I have noticed she is not a big spender, she collects coupons and tries to find good deals, when he drives car he curses people and she doesn’t feel good with him, she was saying when he gets drunk he becomes a nasty person (I don’t know whether it was physical abuse or emotional abuse). She was complaining that he never responds to text messages or her calls, I think he responds very very late, and this makes her angry. When he was away we went to watch a movie together, she was driving his car, on our way back she said I need fill gas in his car otherwise he will notice that I drove his car, I wondering why she can not drive his car, they have been dating for almost 5 years with 2 years living together. One day I was in their car with them she was driving he would say things like you are slow to respond, I am fast, I have observed he says thing like this to her. 4-5 months before her engagement, she was saying that he doesn’t touch her, hold her hands, she thinks that they have fallen out of love. I have always been there when she needed my help, a month or 2 after her engagement, she caught flu, and she was sick, she had undergraduate student discussion, she asked me to help her because her throat was sore, I was there to help her, I have never turned her down even if I am busy, I had always listened to her, same day she was sick and she cooked food, then she asked her boyfriend to do the dishes, instead of helping her, he was watching ESPN, she asked him 4 times and I think then she yelled at him and did the dishes, they have been dating for almost 6 years now, one day they went for mountain biking and she fell from bike and bruised herself, she was saying that he did not show empathy, but now after engagement in front of friends when we go out to watch movies or restaurant he treats her in a very loving way, so one of my friend said he is such a nice boyfriend, then she says I wish he was nicer to me. Now I have realized Action never speaks louder than words, 1 stupidity outweighs 1000 good deeds, I have always been a good listener, this Christmas I gave her what she told me and some friends 1 year back, only I remembered, since her engagement he has been acting very nice and loving, but I feel that he would change totally after marrying her, I have read somewhere that after marriage husbands behavior changes, I know I am sounding very biased here, but she love him in spite of all his faults, and I respect her decision, I just wanted to tell her my feelings, because I know she will never leave him. I wish I had not told my feelings to her, It was building up inside my head, it was unbearable, and I felt that if she had feelings and I never told her about my feelings then I may regret later in my life. Now I am regretting my decision because I lost a good friend, I suspect even if our friendship rekindles it will not be same, please give me some advice.
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (3 February 2010):
 She probably feels its inappropriate to be friends with you considering how close she came to beginning a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you. It sounds like, at one point, she did have feelings for you. Now that she is actually getting married, she may want to behave better. What she did was wrong. Girls should not be close friends with boys that have an interest in them romantically. Its cruel as I am sure you are finding out. You sound like a sweet person, in the future, try to protect your heart from people like her. Don't give feelings and attention to someone who has a boyfriend. It doesn't often work out. If I were you, I would also put her in the past, as she is doing with you, and move on to trying to find someone else, someone kinder who is free and feels as you do. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 It sounds like she was using you. She might have cared for you as a friend, but she probably was just pretending to like you so her boyfriend would propose.
Honestly, she sounds like a bitch.
I only say that because I cannot see what you have done wrong here - you've been nice to her, gone shopping with her, you haven't been disrespectful to her boyfriend / fiance even though you have feelings for her, you've stood by her. But what has she done? She gave you the impression she liked you, went on "dates" with you all the while still with her bf, and then when you told her you'd date her if she was single, she cuts you off! That's not a very nice thing to do to someone. And it really doesn't make much sense.
Just give it time. You can't make her talk to you. If she decides that she doesn't want to be with you friends anymore, then good riddance. If she eventually decides that she wants to be friends with you again, then perhaps her attitude might have changed.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 February 2010):
I'm really sorry, but she used you to make her boyfriend jealous so he would propose. That's the only reason she did what she did. And now she's pulling away because she's got what she wanted. This was all about making him jealous so he would propose to her. The best thing you can do is cut her right out of your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): I'm sorry. You seem like a good guy.
I'm going to be honest because I feel you need it. It sounds like she initially thought of you as a great friend. And when she had problems with her bf, at times considered you as a potential bf but once things got better with her man she forgot all about it and went back to him.
She invited you to the movies by yourselves. But only when her bf went to a party she probably didn't want him to go too.
She loved you shopping with her probably because her bf wouldn't do that with her. Most guys won't. So she liked that, but not enough to leave her bf for.
Now she's trying to avoid you so you won't keep loving her.
She messed up and is trying to fix it. Give it time. Get over her then contact her.
Women complain about guys not being nice and sensitive. But at the same time don't want a man who is nice and sensitive ALL the time. There has to be a balance. There's something about a bad boy, assh*le type that attracts them.
So the best way I can explain it is you have to be a nice assh*le. If that makes any sense. (for future reference) good luck
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