A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I am not sure if I did the right thing or not. I am a married woman and I recently told my married friend how I feel about him. It was just killing me keeping it inside because I thought he felt the same way about me and that there was something real between us.We have mutual friends and we used to hang out together. We felt a little awkward around each other for awhile after I told him about my feelings. I was upset at him because he didn't respond to me and tell me how he felt. He was wishy washy about it and did not want to committ one way or another. So, I started distancing myself from him. He saw I was doing this and tried to get my attention back but I was having none of it this time. What good are any of these games when two people just cannot be together? Now, he no longer shows up to any of our friend's get togethers. He has completely removed himself from our group.Any ideas why? I am really trying to understand this. Should I give him space? Just move on? It is hard when you have feelings for each other and have to see each other all the time and can't act on them. Maybe he is making it easier on the both of us by no longer being around...
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (20 September 2011):
So you're both married and you're attracted to him, and he was giving you signals that he was attracted to you too. I assume if he wasn't giving you signals you wouldn't have come this far, so he bears some responsibility for this situation too.
Then you took a leap and shared your feelings with him. He didn't share his back, instead he distanced himself without saying anything. I dont' think this is right of him. He should have told you if he was rejecting you or didn't share your feelings or if he felt uncomfortable with all this. I mean, you were honest enough to say how you felt, he at least owes you a response one way or another. It's rude of him to have behaved the way he did.
But if he did respond just that it wasn't satisfactory to you - since you say he was being 'wishy washy' - then actually this is a response of some sort, it's basically saying how he feels. So why do you say that you shared your feelings but he didn't share his? He did - he's saying he's ambivalent. that's a valid response if it's the truth, even if it's not what you wanted to hear. Maybe you blindsided him and he was caught off guard. You after all, were prepared for that conversation since you're the one who initiated it. You had planned and rehearsed what to say, how to say it, and you picked the time and place. He probably had no idea and was unprepared and caught off guard and that could explain his "wishy washy" response, if he did indeed give you a response rather than just silently distancing himself.
So then you pulled back and distanced yourself as well, understandably. And when he saw this, he started "pursuing" you again trying to get your attention. Now this doesn't fit the description of what others here are saying that he's uninterested in you or that he's trying to be upstanding.
Right now you two are playing games. You tried to end the games and bring things out into the open. he refused. instead he continued playing games.
I think you have two options: one is to once again pursue an open and honest discussion. Maybe he was caught off guard the first time. So maybe try again to talk to him openly and honestly. If you're unwilling to do that, then you should just keep your distance and ignore whatever he does from now on.
This is all separate from your marriage, because that's what your question was about. However, the fact that you're married actually makes all of this a moot point. You said it very clearly: what's the point of playing games if you can't just be together. And that's a very good point. The point is that you're wasting your time and emotional energy by being focused on this man or any other man, as long as you're still in your marriage. By still being married, you're signaling loud and clear that you're unavailable. So how can you blame any man you're interested in for not making himself available to you?
Maybe you were hoping that the two of you would share mutual feelings and then simultaneously plan to leave your marriages at the same time to be with each other? I don't think this is a good plan because unless someone is already out of their marriage, it's very hard to predict if or when they will leave. I mean look at yourself: you're still in your marriage.
If you would want to pursue a relationship with another man, you should get divorced first. That's one way to prevent games. It puts you in a better position to be open and honest with other people you're attracted to and for them to take you seriously.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Thank you all for your advice.
I will tell you why I did it. Because my feelings were getting too deep. And I could not let it go on this way. My marriage was suffering and my life was suffering because of it. I needed to have a resolution. All the while, I was fully prepared for the possibility he would distance himself. I even expected it. But in the end, I needed to find out the truth so that I could move on.
Yes, the price I paid was losing a friend and having a broken heart. But at least now I know the truth and I can move on with my life. Had I never said anything, we would still be flirting and who knows what it could have led to. I feel at peace now and the truth has set me free. I really needed to know this so that I could begin to heal myself.
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A
female
reader, Blonde_J  +, writes (19 September 2011):
Sorry to be harsh but - YOU ARE MARRIED. The question you should really be asking yourself is what is going on with your husband for you to be pursuing other men? What ever his feelings for you, this man is doing the right thing - stepping back and getting on with his life and his marriage. Forget whats going on with him - what's the state of play in your marriage?How would your husband feel if he knew what you tried to do? What would that mean for your marriage? If this is your way of realising you want out, then just be honest with your husband and try and make it as painless as possible. Or if this is just a rough patch - counselling. But getting a third party into the picture is just creating drama for the sake of drama. You've made a commitment to your husband. You should treat that with respect, even if its a commitment you can no longer honour.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Leave him alone, he is doing what any responsible married man who loves his wife/family would do, distance himself from temptation.Probably one of the reasons you were attracted to him, because he was responsible and appropriate. However, if he'd given in to your approach, you would have felt "better" about yourself and him and it would have been like a "high".None of that lasts, when you realize that you just got involved with a cheater, and you clearly can't trust him if his wife can't trust him, and he realizes the same thing about you.Now, do the right thing, work on your marriage, or work on getting out of it respectfully and responsibly.Read some books about affairs, how they happen, what happens when they happen, and what happens afterward.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 September 2011):
 He wants to remain faithful to his wife is why.
Sometimes, a friendship is just a friendship. It's true, he might have nurtured a harmless crush with you, but he was happy where it was. He loves his wife and didn't want to cross the line.
And speaking of games, you're not in any position to be revealing feelings toward any man, married or otherwise. What about your husband? If things are bad and you're unhappy, you can resolve that through honorable means, like counseling or divorce. You shouldn't be out looking to cheat. You can neither promise anything nor can you receive any promises from another man.
Yes, you need to move on. He is not going to cheat on his wife with you. It was fun while it was harmless, but he's not interested in betraying his wife. What you should do is transfer all of that attention back to your husband, or make steps to do things the right way, and that's either invest in your marriage or end it. Anything else is dishonorable.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Well it's always hard to tell a friend how you feel about them. And that alone may make them nervous, confused, or unsure on what they're supposed to do. If you add in the fact that they're married, it becomes even more difficult. You have to consider that his feelings for you may not be on the same level as yours. And if he still cares, loves, want to be with his wife, his relationship will be at jeopardy if he acts on those feelings. I don't know if he has kids, but if he does, you would put him in an awkward position- because he/you would be essentially breaking up his family/household. I understand that it was killing you to keep those feelings in. But some things are best left unsaid. I hope at some point you two will be friends again. But if not, just try to move on. And don't put yourself in that position again. Otherwise you may potentially ruin another friendship.Wishing you the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Well, I personally think he has done the right thing. He is married and if he truly loves and respects his wife he will not act on any outside attraction. If he does not love his wife or no longer wants a relationship, then the right thing to do would be honest with her and get a divorce before going after other relationships.
I think that you need to consider that. It was probably best you told him and stopped any flirting that was going on. It is disrespectful to your husband and his wife. If you are unhappy in your marriage you need to resolve that issue before going after a new relationship. Either fix it or leave your marriage. Don't string people along. It's wrong.
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