A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to get over him and stop blaming myself, do you think a few months in Australia will help?I was dumped nearly two months ago now by my boyfriend of 8 months. I'm really finding it hard to cope and I am still crying my way through everyday. When I look back on our time together my heart hurts with the pain of what ifs? He was my first boyfriend and I loved him really quickly. For the first 3 months I felt that he really liked me too. Having never been in a relatonship before I didnt really know what to expect or how to act. I feel now that the relationship turned me into someone I've never been before. He was my first boyfriend and I was his fourth, he had also casually been with a few other people, this did not bother me at first until I found out he had sleep with someone after he had slept with me for the first time although we had not decided to start going out. I felt betrayed since even though I didnt act on us sleeping with eachother straight after I knew that I wanted to. It was complicated however since at this time one of my best mates of 7 years decided that the idea of me and him made her feel like I was stealing him away from her, even though they were only friends and she'd known him for less time than she had been friends with me.The relationship endured alot of stress from this since at first I wanted all 3 of us to be mates but she was still so bitter towards only me.I only became possesive and jealous when people would point out that he would have stuck up for me against her if he really wanted me. I felt really confused and even though he made me so happy and I loved nothing more than spending time with him I would still create problems for myself to get upset about like imagining him with all his previous partners.It was so painful, I couldn't understand how the one person who I felt so strongly about was also the only person who truly upset me. My feelings however had to sub side when he experienced the death of one of his grand parents who he had taken me to visit frequentlty. I really felt for him and would never let his feelings come after mine so I tried to be there for him as much as I could. I was crushed however when I discovered 5 months into the relationship that all my support had actually made him feel unhappy like I was smothering him. I thought he would break up with me there and then but he just couldnt he said he still wanted me he just didnt love me. I wish I had got out then but my family had already booked for him to come on holiday to my family house in the south of France. I suppose I felt too embarrased to go back home and tell everyone that he dumped me before the holiday so we stuck with eachother. The problem was after this I felt so insecure. I had never forced him to say that he loved me, I said it first and didnt expect it back and then he said it a few days later. When I began to fall in love with him however I felt so out of control that I would pressure him to fell the same. We went on holiday together and it was very romantic I thought he was falling for me, I really believed he was happy I know I was. Then a week later before he went to uni , we had arranged to stay together and for me to visit him, we had a couple of arguments, his mates started hanging out with some American girls and he decided he'd rather spend time with them than me.So he said he had an apithany he didnt want me and still does not. He said hes not attracted to me anymore and would never sleep with me again. I know this is the truth and that I should accept it but I just couldnt stop calling him.I've been through all the stages of hate, anger, self pity and self blame but I cant quite seem to forget him and get my life together.There just seems like theres always something I need to say. Our relationship was very important to me and although it had its problems, it had too many beautiful and very loving moments on my half anyway for me to walk away from it. How could he?I really felt that we were compatible I loved the bones of him and I thought he understood me and that he cared. Why did he stop? I'm going to Australia in less than 2 weeks.I'm just worried that I'm running away and that I will return after 3 months feeling the same.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dani1989 +, writes (7 November 2007):
Thanks to everyone for their help. I am coping better in some ways but it still really hurts and I'm still afraid that I'm just running away. I know I must get on with my life but it seems so very tough again to meet new people and form a bond with them, I'm feeling so lonely but I don't know if I could risk falling in love again whilst I'm still so young.
A
male
reader, macmichael +, writes (6 November 2007):
remember your a woman and can get men whenever you want so dont stress someone else will come along i promise
. Crying yourself to sleep is natural if you cant get anyone, or shortly after the break up, i cried myself to sleep for 4 years because i didnt get a girl i should have and now it is slowly gettinjg better, so dont worry about a few months especially since i promise you will get another man and it will get better i know because i feel a lot better about my loss and my problem hasnt been resolved so even if you still always like him the pain will get much easier to cope with. Thats if you dont find someone else.
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A
male
reader, Rey  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 I know exactly what you're going through. I recently broke up with my first girlfriend ever I remember the date! It was Oct 2 she called and said she didn't like me anymore. I was crushed. I loved her unconditionally. She was my first everything and I never wanted to be without her. I even cried. It took me 2 days to even begin to stop feeling so bad and even so I still thought about her every minute of every day for weeks. We recently got back together on the 12th of October I believe. However, back in the relationship I still feel as though I'm giving 110% while she gives 55%. I still really love her when she's great and I've stood by her when she's not. However, I'm coming to grips with the idea that I'm a fantastic guy. I'm loving, sweet, devoted, and good looking. I shouldn't be burdened by someone who won't reciprocate my love the way I deserve and neither do you. My girlfriend is selfish, self centered, and egotistical, but I overlooked all that because she was my first love and I loved her unconditionally and when you love someone like that you tend to overlook their foibles and flaws even if they hurt you. Like when she came home from school and didn't even stop by my house to see. That hurt a lot. She's coming back on thursday and if she does that again after not seeing me face to face for months, I'm resolute that I have to break up with her. Because deep down in my heart I know that out there somewhere is someone amazing who will love me the way I deserve. There's someone out there for you as well. Stay strong. Right now I know it hurts a lot, but just take it day by day. It gets easier. Go out with some friends, have a nice chat with a cute guy. Erase his number from your phone. Day by day is the key. Good luck. I hope this helps a bit.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 Hi there
A first love is always the hardest to get over.
I took more than a year to get over my first bf (and we were together for 3 years)
Thing is, you know your answer. You know that it will never work, and that he is not interested anymore (which is a hard thing to hear), but although you've gone through all the stages, you seem to have not gone through the most important one : Acceptance.
You need to accept that you are not the reason that your relationship didn't work. You need to accept the fact that he's gone on with his life, and is probably not thinking of you anymore. You need to accept that although you still have feelings for him, he doesn't have any for you. you need to accept that you are worthy of a happy relationship, and a happy life.
You need to accept who you are. Learn from this relationship. You did a lot of things right, and it still didn't work.
You seem like a nice supportive girl, and there are a lot of guys who will be happy to have you. But for now, just concentrate on moving on. Don't worry about running away. Time away is sometimes good. Step out of your situation, and start a new life. Get busy with other things, start a hobby, read some more, go out with friends, and just accept things as they come. If you are having a DOWN day, accept it, and also embrace a good day. Things will get better - just hang in there.
Good luck - and enjoy your trip to Australia.
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