A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok this is very difficult and I please ask you not to judge me, as I have seen many people in my situation torn to peices over subjects such as this. I know this is wrong, a mistake, and I am a bad person everything like that. I dont like myself for being in this position but I am. I now feel stuck and dont know how to sort it. I have been with my husband for 16 yrs married for nearly 4 yrs we met when I was 15 and he was 18 and I am now 31- during the course of our relationship we have never really been sexual beings ( well not me) I never really thought I had any appetite for all things sexual but other than that our relationship was fine. People always said we were like comfortable pair of old shoes. I have recently lost a lot of weight- I was 22stone 3 and a half pounds ( 311.5lb ) to begin with and so far have lost 78lb ( 5 stone 8lb ) this paired with my Dad getting an incurable cancer has made me look at my life in a different way. My husband and I due to a redundancy a couple of years ago are in a huge amount of debt that we are finding difficult to control. Just giving you back ground into some of the factors I have going on. With all this I sought solice in the internet. Chatting to people who had nothing to do with my life and who I could talk to without ever having to meet them. I then however met and had been talking to a very special person who I liked alot. Insanity took over and I met him. I know I shouldnt but for some reason it felt right. We then began a realtionship. He knew everything that was going on. In June I decided that I needed to talk with my husband over splitting up. We talked and agreed that we had become just friends over the years and due to our situation we would have to continue living together as we own our house and financially neither of us has anywhere else to go ( we have no family to stay with either as our parents have no spare rooms etc). The next day my husband decided that wasnt what he wanted and felt he couldnt cope on his own so we decided to put all of our efforts in. The following week he said to me that nothing had changed but he still was thinking as I had had a lot more thinking time than him. So now we are just in this carrying along again like nothing was spoken of and he has swept it under the carpet. All the time I am still talking every day and seeing this other guy once a month. I feel safe with him, excited, I can talk with him like I have never talked to anyone before and we have the sexual spark too. However this weekend I found messages on his phone between him and his ex- they were in a LDR for 8 yrs, she is much older than him (29yrs) and now he feels obligated to be there for her as she has no next of kin and other issues etc. However some of these messages were a little dirty. I confronted him about it and he said that in a way he dosent know how to stop and thought it just easier to keep her happy by replying. So i kinda put that to the back of mind cause how can i say something when I am still at home. We then continued to talk and he got upset as he thought he would of known by now if he saw a future with me beyond say the next year or so and he didnt, but then he never sees a future ever. He takes each day as it comes after having a near fatal bike accident. Also I think that some of my friends have cottoned on that there is something wrong too. So now I am in a huge pickle. I thought that I wanted my lover and it was right to leave my husband but now the reality is setting I am not so sure. Do I want to be with someone who dosent see a future with me? I dont know if I want to leave my life with my husband because apart from sex we get on quite well. Is that enough? Is it just because he is like my favourite teddy and I feel safe as its whats I have always known? Is the time with my lover just a way of escapism from the real world, but we really connect! I really dont know. I have gotten myslef in a huge mess and I dont know how to get out. Again please dont slam me for this- I have made a mistake and I am a human being ( although not a very good one at the moment) I want to sort this but just dont know how.
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debt, his ex, spark, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): I'm betting hubby doesn't know about other man otherwise it would wreck your little arrangement.What is more cruel? You say you get on quite well, yet you are lying to him? You broke up because you thought you had found pastures new, yet at the first sign of doubt, you're suddenly thinking about hubby again.Don't fool yourself, at least if you had been honest with your husband, you'd have some integrity. My bet is even if this doesn't work out, you'll continue to trawl the internet for something "exciting" while stringing poor hubby along.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): OP i absolutely detest cheaters and once a cheater your whole integrity is in question.
Yes sex with your lover is now good but your lover is basically saying all he wants is a f*ck and u are good for nothing else.
U need to understand that like So Very Confused, now that u are trimmer u feel more confident and that u believe there is better out there. So therefore the lover seems to tick all your boxes.
So Very Confused is now on her way to her 4th marriage, with her much younger lover. She is one of the lucky ones to have this lover while she was married and now planning to spend her life with him exclusively instead of the swinging lifestyle. That worked for her BUT will it now work for you OP?
Utlimately OP u need to make a decison . Does your hb know u are cheating on him?
If u want to leave your hb then do so. Learn to be decent to your hb by being honest with him. Then allow him to go out and meet his true love , someone who will honour him and love him for himself.i think u will agree that this is only the right thing to do.
As for myself: i also have issues with my hb. We fight. The romance dies off and then we work at resurrecting it. Sex gets to be the vanilla type and then we find some sexy umpf to get going again. You see OP, marraige is bloody hard work. It is so easy to cheat and change hbs all the time But to work on a marriage, well some people do not have that moral backbone to try. My hb is a good man. He does not tick all my boxes. I am well educated, a legal person. I earn more than hubby. I am so very different from him BUT i will be damned if i give him up. He is not perfect BUT he is perfect for me! Do i want to murder him? Yes all the time when i am fighting with him BUT i also love him for him. It is all not bells and whistles but it is what i have invested in and will see out....
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 I just lost over 130 pounds I was a former 300 pound 5'2" size 26 american girl... super morbidly obese. My marriage did NOT survive my weight loss... I let my husband leave me for a man I was with... He knew about it I was open and honest... now I am building a new and very different life with this new man my former lover.
it sounds so cheap and cheater like but I never lied to my husband... I was not UNHAPPY I was just coasting... now life is vibrant and alive.
losing a great deal of weight (congrats on that btw) makes a great many mental as well as physical changes in your life.
you were very young when you ended up with your hubby... perhaps you have outgrown the marriage for several reasons.
I'm not one to advise people to stay in a comfortable relationship just because they should do the right thing or because it's easy... I think we get ONE shot at life and we should live it to the best of our ability.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you LoveGirl- I only read the question in the link not the responses.
I am still at home and trying to work through all of this rubbish, just as I think I have made a decision something else crops up to change my mind.
I am so afriad of making the wrong decision all together.I think that my lover is the best thing- we have a spark a passion we talk we laugh but he sees no future at the moment and has so much baggage with the ex stuff.
I think that my hb would be best- he has always been there, been supportive and loving but we have no sexual attraction. Is it possible to get that back.
Can I work on all of this in my head while trying to hold my family together and spend as much time with my Dad as possible.
I feel like I am so deep in a tunnel and I cant see any light at the moment. Why is it so hard to make up your mind and why dont i know what I want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): OP have strength during these difficult times. It is during these times that we pull on inner strength and it just makes us thankful for what we have.
If you read the link I sent you, u may have also seen my response there.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for saying that LoveGirl, big people get most offended by that word.
My father has cancer, a rare cancer called Myeloma, which is a cancer of the blood. It begins in the marrow of the spine so the cancer has crumbled some of the vertibrae in his back. As well as running around the body in his blood. Myeloma itself is not a curable cancer. He is currently taking trial drugs to try and lower the cancer count as much as possible. Hopefully this can then be maintained for, well, for as long as possible.
This is creating such a strain on all of us and coupled with everything else going on. Its becoming increasingly difficult to cope.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): Op i apologise for using THAT word. I had no intention of hurting your feelings.
Can i respectfully ask: who had cancer and what is the status currently.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLove Girl,
I am by no means slim and I take great offence at the use of capital letters on the word fat.
If you read my post fully you will see there are many other factors to this than the fact I may look better so am looking for an upgrade.
When you have a loved one who is ill, very ill, it makes you evaluate all things happening around you and reminds you that life is so short to be treading water. When debt rules your life you become unable to focus on the good things.
I sought the solice of online chat as I felt I couldnt talk to anyone about my feelings, how can I talk to my Mom about my seeming trivial second thoughts on where my life is- when hers is crashing down around her. Cancer is a disease that not only effects the patient but every one around them too.
I did not ask for sympathy- and as I am very aware of my situation and that it is wrong I was asking for advice on how to sort out my head as i dont know how.
I really do not have any idea what the other post has to do with my life, if anything it probably proves why my husband has lost interest in me sexually too, as when we met I was slimmer.
This has nothing to do with weight but to do with a mess Ive got myself into and am finding difficult to find a way out.
Thanks to all the others who have replied who fully read my post and understood instead of the harshness of being called fat and a cheater both things I already know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-cant-ever-imagine-getting-divorced-over-this.htmlOP, u need to read this. its about a hb who is not sexually attracted to his FAT wife.......this just strengthes my previous response to you: your hb loved you when you were big!!LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): well you cannot have your cake and eat it too.......you cannot commit to your hb and well, your lover cannot commit to you.Let us all stop with the sympathy vote: you are cheating. so decide whether you have the moral convictions to end your affair or whther you want to work on your marriage. you need to make a decision. fast. your poor hb cannot wait around forever for you to decide whether you want him or your lover.becareful you dont end up with neither and this will be karma at its worse.the only reason you want to ditch your hb is because you have now lost all your fat/weight and you want an upgrade BUT you need to realise that your hb loved you even when you were big!!!!!! when you were overweight other men did not even bother, now that you are slim, well you feel that you have outgrown your hb. this is very shallow of you. LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just dont know - i feel that if i try again with my husband we will just go back to what we were before- the same comfy pair of shoes and how can i stay with a man I am not sexually attracted to?
On the other hand with the other guy I just dont understand- he was the one to get me to expose all of my feelings and secrets and I trusted him. I knew he was still on contact with his ex he never lied- just not like that- but it worries me that he dosent see a future. I see that I could have a good life with him but it will be so hard to leave the life I love
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): It is very easy to feel a connection with someone over the internet which can quickly fizzle out in the cold light of day. This guy obviously has baggage and his take on life doesn't really match yours.
'Living for the day' carries lots of connotations. He is still having some sort of relationship with his ex and not in a stable position. With the deepest respect, he has gone from a woman 30 years older than himself (who he STILL talks dirty with) to a married woman he met online and only sees once a month. He should be ringing a lot of alarm bells.
You might well be two people both holding on to the same lifeline rather than one throwing a line out to help the other. In real terms there is more chance of you taking each other down than living happily ever after. I would quickly try to see this for what it is. A fling. Try to end it because i am sure your husband deserves better and you need to be thinking with a clear head about things that really matter, your marriage and debt. Until you have sorted those things out, you will be in a state of confusion and can't seriously expect to have a normal relationship with someone else.
You need to bite the bullet, sit your husband down and do some straight talking. Its no good being lead by him into carrying on as usual because that's not working anymore and you both deserve better. Some times other options seem so difficult to envisage that it feels easier to fall into a state of lassitude and just keep rolling those rocks up the hill together. But its not going to get either of you anywhere as you have both practically decided the marriage is dead anyway. So make a decision, couples counselling with a view to making the marriage work again or separation. You can be separated and still live at the same address. I house shared with my ex for a while after we split up.
The Citizens Advice Bureau offers advice on debt management and they can help you to rearrange things so that you can curb your spending and start tackling the debts. I have heard they will even talk to companies on your half and negotiate reduced settlement payments for you. So give them a try. Also you might consider selling your home and paying off what you owe and anything left over, split 50/50 if there are no children involved. Then with your debts cleared and hopefully some money to get you started, you would both be free to rebuild your lives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): Your not a bad person, just a very confused one. I dont think you would be doing yourself any favours, leaving your husband for this man. He say's himself that he cant see a future in it, so why would you want that?
As for your husband, it takes 2 to make a marriage work, so maybe you both need some help. Money problems always cause un-rest in a relationship. There is an old saying "When the debts come through the door, love fly's out the window" I think thats it anyway! But its very true.
Your lover does not seem very reliable, so I would out that relationship. But your husband sounds like a really nice guy, so maybe you need to work on that.
Good luck honey x
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (9 August 2011):
it seems that you havent had sex with your other guy yet
and then you are very much still on the safe side,
to make things short
try counselling with your husbans who seems loving AND HONEST
and avoid this guy who seems quite manupelative
Good Luck
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