A
male
age
51-59,
*hegundampilot
writes:im a neat freak so to speak and my girlfriend is pretty much a slob. verry careless in her mannerisms not like when we first met. I was lead to believe she was neet and clean and hard working with herself somewhat together. She was in school on scholarship in hawaii.later i come to find a backpack of issue's later to realize she suffered from alot of abandonment issue and revaled in self pitty. True that alot of things fucked up happend to her but i cant rap my head around the idea of being this super counsler like boyfriend who has to listen to her wine about everything and always relating it to her life experiences. i look back at my childhood with joy as i thought she did. Its become her instant pitty fishing to relate or talk about good things i have to share so now i just dont wanna talk half the time cause conversation steers negative or the victum takes the stand. i want out but feel so bad about leaving her. she is kind hearted and this world hasnt been kind. because of my own experiences in life and knowing how this world is trained to have no sympathy for me it becomes infuriating when pitty becomes her way of trying to conect with me.women in my family are strong and in the face of adversity did more with less. unfortunately simple expectations that im told are to much. dont wanna hurt her already have and i want to leave on good terms of being friends to maybe try things out again but that sounds stupid to me when i feel helping her is enabling her to do less because i often will pickup the slack...she denies this buts its my core fustration and reason i wanna leave cause when i talk about she just keys in on the corn skipping the meet and potatoes she prepared....get me. i know the anser i just need to read it from someone else or maybe im wrong and need to emphasize what im doing wrong to turn things around Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): I think you need to be very very direct.
- tell her she either leaves the past as the past and enjoys a future with you ? Maybe she could go to counselling, or you leave.
- it sounds like you have some feelings still left but her behaviour is damaging the relationship almost to the point of no return.
How about suggesting a short time apart to give you the space to be more certain of your feelings.
no one is perfect and ultimately it could just be that you don't bring the best out in each other.
Take some time and mean what you say and say what you mean, and then there is less chance to cause hurt as you will have been honest.
Good luck
A
female
reader, la femme jolie +, writes (5 May 2013):
Once again, honesty is the best policy. Your friend may need a professional counselor to work out abandonment issues. Don't be hard on her but don't be her counselor if you don't want to. Be her friend but don't prolong the inevitable by continuing in an unsatisfactory relationship. And help her by being honest with her and saying to her what you've said here. But be gentle. She's already a damaged soul.
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