A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:It's been four months of my long distance relationship with my girlfriend. couple of weeks ago, she told me she is not a virgin and she had sex with her ex once.This came up as a sunrise and this surprise hurts me. I'm in love with this girl and I'm surprised that this virginity thing is coming into my head. I always dreamed about being first of each other with my girl but now I cannot be her first, it bothers me. But after a week, I talked to her and she told me she regrets it, she did it because her boyfriend kept on asking for sex from her. She also told me, there was no intimacy or romance or anything and she didn't enjoyed it at all. Just a sex. So, after hearing this, I felt bad about myself and apologized to her for bringing this up and told her I will get over this and to some extend I did get over it. But after a week, we were talking and I came to find out she had sex twice. Not technically twice but she had sex again after half an hour after her first time. Now a question came into my mind, if you didn't like it, why did you do it again? I know I should not question something that happened in her past and I wasn't even there. I felt really bad because of the situation she had to go through and her ex asked for sex and she did it just for his sake. But now when i found out she had sex again, that bothered me a lot. she also told me, they were cuddling after sex and they started kissing which lead to sex. she couldn't refuse or stop after and they continued to have sex. Now this bothered me more. But after a day, I thought about the situation I'm in and I asked myself if I truly love her then I have to accept her past because the past lead her to me. So this thinking helped me to get over it but every now and then I get a picture in my head of my girlfriend and her ex having sex and I can't get out of it. I know I'm a horrible person for getting bothered by something that happened in the past. I love her so much and I care about her a lot. We have a great chemistry between us but the thing is we are in a long distance relationship. I miss her a lot and at the same time, I also get picture of them having sex. I want to get over it. I know I'm wrong and I want to get over it so that I can enjoy my present with her. Any suggestions would be helpful to me. Thank you.
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her ex, her past, kissing, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (5 November 2020):
 I think in this day and age you will be hard pushed to meet someone who does not have some sort of past, or at least been intimate with an ex.
You have only know her four months, and already you are torturing yourself of images of her having sex with her ex. Have you guys even met yet?.
If you want any sort of future with her then you are going to have to accept the fact that she had an ex, and yes she slept with him, its not really a big deal. She could of kept it to herself, but she told you. Woulden't you be more upset if you found out by some other means and not from her?. She diden't have to divulge this information but she did.
If you going to keep obsessing over her sleeping with her ex then probably best you end things.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 November 2020):
 Instead of focusing on her not being a virgin, why don't you focus on her trusting you enough to tell you she isn't? She could easily have lied. Instead she wanted you to know the truth.
Have you two ever even met? This is not meant to sound patronising but you cannot love someone who you've only "known" via telephone calls/texts/video calls for 4 months. Yes, you may be attracted to her, you may have feelings for her, you may even have "chemistry", but this is not love. Reserve the L word for after you have spent time together, shared challenges together and still come out the other end wanting to be together.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (4 November 2020):
 I think you are making too much of an issue over all this. The other man is her ex so everything happened before she ever knew you. She did not have a crystal ball that told her she was going to meet you and that she must preserve herself for you. Try to put the whole thing out of your head and stop questioning her about it because actually it's none of your business. I'm sure you're really embarassing her. Accept her as the girl you see before you and start from there and allow your relationship unfold as time goes by. If you continue questioning her and worrying about things you will only succeed in destroying everything before it's even begun.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 November 2020):
 Jesus, OP!
Did she lie initially telling you she was a virgin? If so, end it as she is a LIAR.
YOU had the fantasy that you two would be each other's first. OK. IS that a deal-breaker for you or not?
If it is, wish her well and END it.
If it is not, then SHUT up about it. She CAN NOT change the past. You are not a horrible person for being disappointed but you ARE one for digging in her past and grilling her about what happened. IT IS NONE of your business! The more details you ASK for the WORSE it will be for HER and yourself.
So HAVE a long a serious think about this. IS IT a deal-breaker or not.
Also you are in a LDR, have you ever met in person? Spend time in person? If not... you need to slow your roll with the "love", because you TRULY can not know a person by talking online/apps and video calls.
Also, it's ONLY been 4 months of "dating" and you are already creating drama.
If dating a virgin is important to you, NOW is the time to end this LDR and look elsewhere. Because it is NOT fair of you holding it over her head that she has a past. She didn't KNOW you back then. Whatever happened with the ex, is HER past, not yours.
Look up retroactive jealousy OCD. Because YOU are starting to obsess over her past and that isn't healthy for EITHER of you.
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