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male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I’ve always heard that one of the golden rules of first dates is to never talk about exes. But often on first dates (or during online dating app pre-date talking), I'm asked about past relationships like how long did it last? why did it end? etc. And if I try to dodge the question they come back with more questions. Just wondering what people’s opinion is. Is this just a standard get to know you style question or is it a trap set to trick me in to breaking this golden rule? Should I stick to my question dodging and turn the conversation to something else? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): It depends on the personality of the person you're having this kind of discussion with, how many dates you've been on; and how you happened to meet them. Online, you don't get to evaluate a person with your "natural-senses;' your connection is based on visual and/or verbal interaction. You don't get to "feel a person out." Many people are turning to online-dating, following some pretty difficult or tumultuous relationships, divorces, or nasty breakups. It's only natural they want to know something about your past. Women have to be all the more cautious when meeting strangers. Asking questions about your past is permitted under these circumstances.
Your presumption is that it's a "rule" to not discuss exes is taking this concept out of context. Inquiring-minds want to know! If you're still hung-up on your ex, whether they're still a part of your life, or if your ex is some psycho out-there hiding in the bushes somewhere? Smart-people are going to want to make sure they're not poking a hornet's nest, or being setup by a player! Worst-case scenario, you bury your ex-girlfriends in your yard!
The so-called rule applies to certain instances; like if someone is consistently complaining about a series of bad-choices, or their only conversation is about their ex. You're on a date, and the conversation always leads to a drawn-out mind-numbing discussion of their old-relationship(s)...now you're approaching the "don't go there" zone! It's a generally-accepted rule of etiquette that you shouldn't do that to people, or let them do that to you. You don't make reservations at a fine restaurant with a romantic-atmosphere, extensive wine-list, and pricey menu; to run-down a list of all her past cheating-boyfriends. You don't bring-up the time some angry-girlfriend slashed your tires, and knocked-out your windshield with a crowbar! These things are classic red-flags, and warning that those exes might now be stalkers; and not to mention the fact, will scare the bejeebers out of your date!
You've totally misunderstood the rule to mean you should pretend you've never had a date before; or your past is nonexistent. You walked through a time-warp from the future, and you can't divulge future-events to prevent causing a ripple in the time-continuum.
You get to discern whether it's worth your time to pursue a romantic-connection based on their values, goals, personality-traits, character, and how they've maintained previous relationships. If someone comes to you with a long sob-story and an extensive-narrative about how every man has done them wrong; consider that your cue to run for the hills! You don't need to be their therapist or savior; you're seeking romance. You could alarm someone; if you've got one horror-story after another. Then they'd wonder why you've had such a consistent string of bad-luck? What's to be expected, if they should risk being around a walking-jinx?
Expect people to ask you questions about your past-relationships. They want to have some idea of what you're like, what they're getting into, and how they should expect to be treated. Being evasive will be disconcerting and scary. If you feel like you're under investigation, or being interrogated like a criminal; you're obviously dealing with a paranoid-nutcase. You just have to weed them out through the process of selection/elimination; but you also have to be somewhat transparent and honest. That's what trust is built-on. If you know you've been a jerk to all the women in your past; there is a karma where women will sense something "not quite right" about you. If they seem "overly-cautious" with you; it might mean you're giving off a vibe that makes them highly uneasy about you, or you're creepy.
You can't become acquainted and initiate a love-connection; if they don't have a clue how they can expect to be treated, and who might be lurking in your past that they don't want to deal with.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 July 2020):
 I guess it depends. It may be a golden rule, but it's not an iron-clad, etched-in-granite rule. It allows for some flexibility, some adjustments...
I reckon the rule was invented principally because there are too many people who forget that a date, and particularly a first date, is about the two people who are present there , in ordewr to get to know each other, so everything should be about them and not about third parties. There are too may people who date on the rebound, or have unresolved issues with their exes, or some axe still to grind, and if you'll give them a finger of interest they will take a whole arm, going on and on and on about how that son-of-a-gun did them wrong or that beastly woman took advantage of them etc.etc., and they will launch in a long tirade about persons from their past, totally forgetting to make the date about.... the person they are on the date .
Once, a long time ago, I went out for dinner with a guy who was bravely trying to get back to the dating scene, after having basically been left at the altar by his fiancee' ( she had called the wedding off one week before
the chosen date ),fiancee' who also had promptly proceeded to run away with her married boss.
An interesting story, and a shocking one, and no wonder that he felt the need , unasked , to share it- but in doing so he got so worked up that, I kid you not, at the dessert he burst in tears !, I really did not know if trying to soothe him and pat him gently on his back " There , there, now, it will all be allright " or just smash a plate or two on his head. I was more inclined toward plate- smashing; now,many years later, I find this episode hilarious, but then I was livid.
So, the point is, do not take , even if only in your mind, your ex to lunch or dinner with your new date. Make it about her, or him- not about the past, and if you aren't ready, stay home.
Then again, as other posters have remarked, it's not that it is always and regardless inappropriate to mention the ex or to answer a question about him / her / them.
It's not unreasonable, say, if a woman wants to know with how many baby-mamas she would eventually have to deal with, and in which type of relationship you are with them. Ditto for ex -wives. Also, some times it is very relevant °why° you broke up, it's not just morbid or idle curiosity. Say that
you mention " we broke up when I went to jail , or when I went to rehab... " well, some women mmight give you a chance anyway, but some just won't and I think they are perfectly legitimate to want to choose, and to be able making an informed choice.
So, it's hard to give you exactly a list of cases when the golden rule does not apply or can be bent a little, I guess one has to play it by ear and operate on a case by case basis.
Then again, as other posters have said, you are not obliged to answer if you don't want. You are not in court under oath, if you feel that the question is untimely or superfluous or invasive, you can simply state " I'd rather not talk about this " or " I prefer not to discuss my exes yet " or something similar. No need to be elusive or cagey.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (8 July 2020):
 You posted this twice and got pretty good answers. I generally won't answer twice until the Original Poster returns with a follow up.
Your question brings up two interesting side points. One is the concept of the Golden Rule. I did a quick google and there is a golden rule and The golden rule. A golden rule, is the use of the term you made. A good guideline in any relationship. The Golden rule is a biblical concept that also shows up in may other religions. It applies to your question as well. The Golden Rule is to treat people the way you would like to be treated. So if you like to leave those tricky questions about you latest breakups until a later time, theen you yourself would also not ask that kind of question. If you would like there to be clear rules about the etiquette of early dating, then you should be clear in expressing your expectations.
The next interesting point is the idea of a Trap. You have some answers that dance around this, but no real discussion of it. You call it a Trap in that someone is testing your boundaries to see if you will hold to your rule or break it. That is not likely the case. It is much more likely looking for red flags. Trying to see a bit into your personality.
In general a real Trap is when a person asks you a question for which there is no good answer. This is also that kind of trap. Almost every answer you can give about your ex, could be interpreted to make you look bad.
Aside from Traps, there are also Tests. Many people continuously test their relationship partners. The test is usually to see how much of their BS you are willing to put up with. This is done by insecure people who want to make sure you will always be there for them. The trouble is that if you decide to put up with their ridiculous demands, they will lose respect for you and test you further. it will actually increase their insecurity. But if you refuse to put up with testing, you could be seen as cold and unfeeling. You May lose the relationship. But it is still the best policy to always shut down testing. In other words it is better to be respected by an ex, than to be disrespected and tolerated.
Manliness as expressed in western countries is to have and hold reasonable boundaries.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (8 July 2020):
 I think its just the getting to know you phase, and someone is just trying to gage whether you are a good candidate to get into a relationship with.
With questions such as how long you been single, how long was you in a relationship for etc these are normal questions to ask in the start of anything new.
You don't have to go fully in to your situation and give a comprehensive answer if people ask. But I feel if you don't answer these questions and skirting around the houses changing the subject to something else people might think you have got something to hide and not want to pursue a follow up date.
I think that the start of relationships its important to be as honest as you can possible be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): The reason people are told not to talk about their ex is because it can be boring, or the person spends too much time on it,and it hurts if they can see that they still miss their ex and are not over it and should not even be on a date with them.
A sensible person who looks ahead "around corners" will want to know about your ex, why it ended and how long it lasted because they need to weigh you up. Get the measure of if you would be a good partner for them. If they hear that you were dumped over and over by various exs that is not a good sign. If they hear that your ex finished with you because you cannot or are too lazy to get a job or pay your bills or take drugs or drink a lot or hit women then they will not bother to meet you again. It saves them wasting a lot of time and emotional energy on a loser.
Asking a few relevant questions to weigh up if you are a good or bad prospect is quite different to wanting to hear you go on at length with boring details about your past relationship(s).
When I was single I would never date anyone who did not tick all of the boxes. And in order to find out if they were suitable I had to ask questions. The only snag there is that they might lie. As I am a woman of means and work hard my first priority was that they had to be smart and hard working, good with money, not wanting to leech off of me. Each person has their own list, and the more you are sought after and the more dates you can get the more picky you can be.
I once knew an old lady who was 83, had never worked, had lots of debts, nothing much to look at, no personality.
Yet insisted she would only date young men who were rich and had a red sports car - of course none of them were interested.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): They are trying to look for red flags. How you handled the break-up? Whether you cheated? Whether your ex was better than them? Whether your still hung up on your ex? Did you turn into a stalker?
I find these men will still continue to date you even if they hear something they don’t like. They will agree with you - but then throw it back in your face when they don’t want you anymore.
Mature men know that people grow from relationships and breakups. They take lessons from it. They will judge you on your current behaviour - not your past behaviour.
Sure, even mature men will be on the look out for red flags - as will you. And some things are dangerous and you then get to decide not to date that person.
There are so many options for dating now a days, with online dating etc that people feel they have the right to be ‘picky’. So they can ask these questions on the first date, if they hear something they don’t like, then they can ditch you early on and move on before anything deeper happens between you two. They are protecting themselves.
What they don’t realise is that people LIE!
Everyone is trying to make a good impression when you start dating someone new. No one is really themselves. So even if you pass this ‘test’, they will still be on the lookout for red flags - until you are actually in a relationship. Unfortunately that’s how dating works in this day and age.
Although it is entirely up to you whether you want to answer these questions this early on. But then even some men would judge you on this, thinking your hiding something and something terrible must of happened. These men are insecure. So if they want to go, then let them go.
Just say that your ex is in the past, you wish him well but you would rather not talk about your ex on the first date and instead get us to know each other. If they keep pressing it, then they are insecure and need reassurance - they are not the man for you then!
I personally would NOT talk about my ex boyfriend on a date. I don’t live In the past. So many people want to keep jabbering on about their exes that they forget they are MEANT to be getting to know the person right in front of them.
Mature men will want to hear all about you, your likes and dislikes. More importantly what you want out of a future relationship to see if you match up - NOT what happened on your old ones, to see if you match up. Peoples needs and wants change over time, they learn lessons and discover what they really want and need.
So if you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t talk about it but be firm. If they have a problem with it - then they are not right for you. Bye, bye!!
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (8 July 2020):
You can choose to answer or not any questions asked. You are an adult and can set your own standards. If you are not comfortable talking about exes, simply say so, politely but firmly. You can give as much or as little information as you want. You can go into specifics, give general none committal replies or point blank refuse to answer. Don't dodge around the question if you would rather not go down that route. People are not mind readers.
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