A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I think it's ridiculous how common my current situation has become in recent years. In a nut shell, my husband of thirty-two years and I just finalized our divorce two days ago. He'd been having an affair with a much younger woman for nine months and I found this out exactly one year ago to this day. We have five children together ranging from age twenty-three to age thirty. We even have three grandchildren now and another on the way.The woman my (now ex) husband was having an affair with is younger than my oldest daughter (she's twenty-eight). Of course I had an incredibly hard time coping with all of this for all of 2009, but right now, I think I've reached that anger phase. Why would he do something like this? I thought we had an amazing marriage and then I find out from a mutual friend of ours that he'd been cheating for well over just a few months.I thought I was being the supportive, loving and caring wife that I vowed to him to be. Was it my fault? Where exactly did I go wrong in all of this? Am I right to be angry with him and that woman he now calls a fiancee? I mean, what really happened? I'm just so lost with all of this because I'm really starting to get that I'm... lonely. I'm by myself and there's nothing I can do about it. I also feel like I'm twenty years old again typing out all of this angst on a "self-help" website. But what's a menopausal, newly divorced, over fifty year old woman to do in a situation like this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): ChinaChik, is a case of infidelity on the part of a woman something to blame on "the female ego"?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): This also happened to me. We were not married as long only 20 years but we have children and my husband left me for a younger woman. I too felt extreme dangerous red hot anger and fury! I would like to say that these relationships never ever last. It will end. 90% of relationships where the man has left his wife for a younger woman fail within the first year. This is because the relationship when secret and you were still doing his shirts for him and he had lost no money through a divorce was fun. Now she has him it is not secret and fun. There are no hotels, no money for Michelin meals, no flowers and little jewelry gifts, the list is endless. This will come about so you just have to watch.
I promise you after a while the anger dissipates and you get on with your life. All my hair fell out from shock and now it has grown back. It takes about 3 years on a day by day basis but the fact that you have to maintain a smiley face for the kids and a routine will get you through this and the anger will eventually fade. What goes around comes around. My ex husbands relationship failed when the young lady suddenly realised nearly all his cash was going to maintain us and she decided she didn't love him anymore. How I laughed!!
I also understand you are lonely. This is where you have to look after yourself on a daily basis. Put make up on even to go to the shops, make an effort at all times. You will be surprised how this makes you feel brighter and this will also attract people to you. I have been divorced 4 years now and am 50 and about to get married again. It will get better I promise you. Just take time out for yourself. One thing though try not to come across as bitter as bitterness pervades and ruins everything - I should know!!
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A
female
reader, chinachik  +, writes (22 January 2010):
There is nothing wrong with you- its the male ego. I think the only thing you can do is focus on yourself and change the situation. Think of all the things you wanted to do when you were single- those things you wanted to do, the things that made you who you are.
Many women loose their identities in a marriage caught up in raising children and pleasing their partners- this is a chance for you to find yourself. Sod him, get your revenge by living your life with dignity, respect and being true to yourself. Get a make-over, take some exercise and give yourself time to think about what you want from life for YOU. Let the wind b low the cobwebs from your hair. Taking activites will help you work through this- and you can do it! It wont be easy, but you will feel better once you establish your own self-esteem.
Good luck lovely, don't let him drag you down his mid-life crisis!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Well honey I can sympathize with you because in my marriage I was the menopausal woman who left my husband after 32 years! From my experience (which may be different than your husband's) I felt we had grown apart and did not click with each other. I got married very young (and perhaps it was a stupid choice) but not long after the marriage I realized I had married for "comfort" and security, but not for passion, sexual excitement or attraction. This may not be the case with your spouse. But during my marriage I was always drawn to other men, and felt something was missing in our relationship. My husband & I had a good "friendship" but I had difficulty feeling sexual towards him (lack of attaction) and he was the strong silent type, so I felt shut out of his head, therefore intmacy felt empty. I formed friendships with many men over the course of our marriage, until I finally fell in love with someone I had more in common with. Also my husband never wanted kids and I felt our marriage had reached an empty void. Our marriage felt like it hit a brick wall; a dead end; there was no growth; we wanted different things and I finally woke up and realized it! Sad but true. I still feel badly about it, but couldnt' fake it anymore. We were doing separate things anyhow because he was a homebody and had social phobias and I was very much active in community functions, social circles, parties and liked being interactive with people. I know I prolonged the divorce for far too long because I was afraid to be alone! It took me finding a soft place to land, before I had the courage to leave. I feel your pain, because it's what my husband has gone through but if he was "faking" it the way I was, that's not fair either. I hope you will find your spirit and your dancing shoes and get your groove back regardless of this huge life-change! I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Oh, I Totally understand your anger! Wow! I think I'm very close to your situation, but I can;t say, it is all happy here. I see my husband going further and further away form my heart, and I can see that he cant tolerate his own age...He says ,he loves me, but I don't feel it at all. Also ,he is not interested in me sexually a few years ago? Was sex going well in your marriage?Did you see any sign of this coming? Oh God, your story,just tells me get out now, don't wait ,until it comes to this. But its so hard to leave,if he is not a rude really bad man. Oh i wish you find your dignity again, and that ,other woman will learn from your story! Take care!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): There isn't any point feeling angry, or wasting what little time on this earth you have hating someone.
Your relationship ended. There is nothing that can be done about it now. If he and this woman are happy, then let them have that.
You deserve happiness as much. And you won't get it if you go about your life with hatred in your heart and insults on your lips.
Forgive these people, and not in a creepy religious way, but stop being angry with them and let them go.
Start your life anew, and go and find yourself some fun. You had a good 30-odd years of decent marriage. Thats decades more than most people get. Take that experience and use it to avoid the same mistakes next time.
Life is too short to live in anger and hate. There is so much out there to enjoy. So take advantage of your situation and enjoy it.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Your right this is so typical, but pleaseremember it's also very typical for the new relationship to end. Your aim should be to strengthen yourself to the point when you don't accept his grovilling cheating butt back when he comes grovelling. You have every right to be very angry, but that being said , it probably hurts you more than him. Try to work towards finding things to enjoy in your life. He no longer deserves you, unfortunately he has dug himself lower than a snake and you are the one who has dignity , self respect and a family who thinks highly of you.He needs someone and doesn't want to accept hi aging. He has to face the fact that we are born alone and die alone. It's then we feel the full ramifications of our actions. Feel sorry for him, pity him as the bottom dweller he is, but for gods sake don't lower yourself to associat with him or listen to his whining.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): I'd go on vacation if I was you. Just leave the entire lot and take some time to be with myself and see the new situation from a nice hotel with a beach-view.
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