A
male
age
41-50,
*ybrid_User
writes:Angry at wife for finding her on a free breast implant website. How should I make her stop?I've been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children together. Six months back, she said to me how unsatisfied she's been with how her breasts look and wants to have an implant surgery. She said it happened after giving birth to both our daughters. I asked her why she wants them now. She said she's been wanting them for the last two years. She's been saving money for the last 2 years. It was surprising to hear she saved up $3000. $6000 was needed for the surgery. She asked me if I could pay the other half with my money and that she would return it later. I merely said no. Money was not the issue. I just found it extremely hard to believe she would save money for something as stupid as that. We got into an argument and she said would save more money and pay for the surgery herself. I said I wouldn't let her do that. I asked myself why she wants the surgery? Who she needs to impress? She has me. We've been together for such a long time. I didn't let her save more money. Call me controlling but i did what i had to do to stop her from going towards the evil path.Six months had passed. I believed we had already been over this. But, few days back, while she was on her laptop, I saw she was on some site. I saw the word 'implants'. I got closer to see what it was without her noticing. It was a site that offered free breast implants. I realized she was back at it again. I got frustrated but, I didn't say anything to her. I wanted to see what the site was about. And, I was disgusted when I found out what it actually was. It was a social networking site where men would send donations to women in exchange for their pics. I joined the site to learn more about it. I learned that there were women who would go as far as selling nude pics in exchange for donations. After using "Advanced Search" i found my wife's profile. She had pics in her lingerie for sale. She has been on that site for 6 months and she raised about $3500. I can't imagine how many pics she sold for that. How the hell did she end up doing this? I've never been so frustrated at her before. I haven't confronted her yet. Doesn't this count as cheating? I want her to delete her profile and give me a very good explanation.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 July 2016):
 I am betting your wife does not need implants as much as she needs a mastopexy. A mastopexy is a breast lift. I had one after a massive amount of weight loss and two pregnancies. I did not have implants.
As for WHY she wants it, I totally get it and SUPPORT HER 100%. IT did a world of good for my feelings of self worth and how I felt about myself and my interactions with the world.
I was dating a wonderfully secure man at the time (I married him later that year) who cared for me after the lift that was done along with a complete tummy tuck.
I came home with 4 drains. He was a gem. He was loving and supportive and not insecure at all. He understood this was not about my going out and finding new or different people, it was about how I FELT about ME.
Now two other things... HOW your wife went about it after YOU behaved badly and "stopped her from going towards that evil path" is wrong. I was blessed that I had the money to pay it outright. My surgery was 17k up front but was so medically necessary my insurance later paid 7k of it. It was very helpful. I would have done it anyway
What she did to raise money after you refused to respect her and help her was wrong but she felt she had no choice.
"she has me" you reaction is selfish and childish... She doesn't NEED YOU.. she has HERSELF and she wanted to make herself feel better for HERSELF NOT YOU or anyone else.
YOU blew it. YOU had a chance to be loving and supportive and helpful and respectful... instead you went all insecure cave man on her.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (12 July 2016):
 I also think a deep conversation is needed where you truly listen to your wife. Saying no to paying for it is okay, but dismissing her feelings are not - as her husband, you should have listened and tried to understand why she feels she needs this, without treating her like your child and banning her from it.
Do that now, OP. It's her choice if she gets it, it's your choice if you leave (either because of the implants, the way she got the money or both), but you should hear her out, without getting angry, or you're not really doing your best as her husband.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (12 July 2016):
Actually I just noticed this:
'She said would save more money and pay for the surgery herself. I said I wouldn't let her do that'
Presumably she also earns money and you've prevented her from saving by taking control of the finances? So you thought you were taking all of her power away from her and she called your bluff!
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (12 July 2016):
I wouldnt class this as cheating - in my view it's basically the reverse of a man LOOKING at lingerie photographs/porn. However it is dangerous so I do think you need to talk to her. I also think some compassion is called for.
She told you she wanted to get surgery to make herself feel better, and you not only shut the conversation down with one word but you ridiculed her choice (calling it stupid) and questioned her motives (who is she trying to impress?)
Obviously she feels very strongly about this or she wouldn't have taken the steps she did. I honestly think this could have been avoided if you'd actually had a real conversation and attempted to understand how she feels rather than dismissing it. You see OP, people are stubborn. Telling someone 'no' with no reason or further discussion often makes them dig their heels in more and become more determined.
People like to feel listened to. Your wife came to you and tried to have a real discussion about how she was feeling and you shot her down. If you had really listened to her and reassured her, she might have decided she didn't want to get the surgery after all. Or she could have put your insecurities to rest by reassuring you that it's not about attracting other men, it's about herself and how she feels in her own skin.
Instead you attempted to control her behaviour and she rebuffed that attempt, leading to an unspoken standoff in which there is no communication between you at all.
Before you go on the defensive OP, I'm not blaming you for everything. I'm just focussing on the errors I think you personally made because those are the things you can fix. However that's if you want to fix them. I personally wouldn't let something like this ruin a marriage but that's a decision you will have to make for yourself. Either way you've learned a good lesson in human psychology and hopefully next time you'll think before you dismiss someone's feelings.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 July 2016):
I don't like the vanity of unnecessary plastic surgery, but it's her body and her choice. Honeypie is right that the answer you'll get is that you didn't pay for it, so she had to find another way.
Personally, I couldn't be with her after selling pictures of herself, like that. I probably wouldn't be attracted to her as much after implants (if I was attracted to women), but it's her body and her choice, like I said. However, she could have sold things she owns and doesn't use, got a job or worked more over time, etc. It would have taken longer, but wouldn't be so degrading and probably pornographic (in the sense that the buyers are paying for that reason). That would be my deal breaker. Is it yours?
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (12 July 2016):
 Wow. This is interesting. On the one hand, I understand where you're coming from with the surgery. Implants are not a necessity and honestly, the surgery can be very dangerous-especially for a woman in her 40s/50s. So many things could go wrong. I think you see her desire as narcissistic and maybe even juvenile but at the end of the day, it is her choice unfortunately.
However, in my humble opinion, her actions DO count as cheating. Having strange men see you in your lingerie and/or near naked for profit is cheating. Some might even call it borderline pornography... The fact that she was willing to do all this for surgery shows a LOT of desire. Where does this come from? Why the obsession? It could be a mid-life crisis or an unrealized "dream" that's coming back to haunt her. She may feel desperate to do this in a sense of a "bucket list" goal. Having children is rough on a woman's body, but why not just a breast lift? Why implants?
Like HoneyPie said, talker to her. Please. Her behavior is not only inappropriate but dangerous. These days, with all this technology, it's too easy to track people. What if someone becomes obsessed with her? Decides to stalk her? What if a neighbor recognizes her? It happens more often than the news reports. For the sake of her family, she needs to stop. NOW. When you do speak to her, please curb your anger. Take some time out beforehand to just calm yourself. Then, when you get a chance to speak to her, ask her this one question. " (enter name) I'm trying to understand why this surgery means so much to you. I find you beautiful, sexy and gorgeous but I can understand that this is something you're doing for you. You know how I feel about it but I want to understand better-why is it so important?"
Listen very carefully to her answer. It will tell you a lot. Again, this could just be a mid-life crisis that's going way too far. Or this could be something else. After you listen to her answer, let her know (calmly) that you know about the website. Listen to what she says about that. If she seems flippant, says that its "no big deal" there's something very wrong. If she explains it as a means to end then you're seeing a disturbing side to her character.
To get through all this, I think a counselor might be needed. It helps sometimes to have a mediator. Someone who can listen to both sides with taking sides is invaluable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 July 2016):
 So are you more disgusted that she "prostituted" her image or that she wants new boobs?
You could argue that it was the only way SHE could find to make that kind of money, since YOU weren't willing to help her. I think THAT is the explanation she will give you.
I have to ask how you feel YOUR like/dislike is more important than how she feels about herself? I'm not a pro-plastic surgery, but I believe EVERYONE has the RIGHT to choose to do what THEY want to do to their bodies. Be it a tattoo, new boobs, nose job... whatever. I think it's your wife's RIGHT to make that choice regarding HER body, not you. She IS NOT getting the boobs for a man or other men, but FOR HERSELF. Having breastfed 3 kids myself... my boobs are definitely not what they used to be and a boob job would probably make them look a LOT perkier - I just don't want bags of saline or chemicals under my skin. I have accept that all I REALLY need is a few good bras and they look good enough FOR ME. Maybe your wife doesn't feel that way.
HOWEVER, I don't approve one bit on HOW she chose to "fund raise" to get her implants. I would not be OK with my spouse doing that.
You two really NEED to talk.
For me? It would be a borderline deal breaker, not the implants but the way she raised he money. I find it gross and degrading.
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