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anonymous
writes:No matter how hard I try I cant get over my bf's past. This is a long post, but please take the time out to read it. I was a virgin when I met my bf (we met when I was 18, he was 24), he had been with five other women. I know too much about his past for my own good, and its just tearing me apart inside. We have been dating for over a year and I thought that time would cure my insecurtites, but it hasnt. I always am afraid I am not good enough for him or that I can never be the hottest, smartest, most outgoing, funniest, etc.. Since I was a virgin, I still have no clue what to do in the bedroom and I know I can never please him the way his old ho ex gf could! I keep thinking of images of him with all of his exs in my head and its killing me. I also have caught him in some lies. Like he told me one girl (who he slept with on the first date) was just "for sex" and they had a two month fling, well about a month ago, i figured out that they dated and he even took her home to meet the family. I cant lose him as I love him so much and I know he cares for me. He is a nice guy, but his past just has me going nuts. Please give me any type of advice as I just cant take it any longer. When i talk to him, he gets very mad and says to let the past be. I am tired of crying over this and the fact that if we continue our relationship and marry some day, i will only have experiences with him as he would have been with many others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006): I just wanna say that forgetmenot+ has posted an excellent answer.For your age, I admire the valuable advice you've given & the amount of sense that it makes. Keep it up....Hope it helped a lot of them....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006): WOw..I'm so glad I read this post...thanks to the girl who posted this question. I find myself in a similar situation, even though I'm 24 n my boyfriend's 20. He's been with a lot of girls since he was 15..and I have been with just 3 guys, each of whom meant something to me. It was the same thing with the images and everything...Ickk!!!
But after reading your replies to her question, it's helped me think better, with a different perspective..
Thanks to you all!!
:)
Take care..Have a great weekend, and happy holidays!!
xx
Tl
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A
female
reader, forgetmenot +, writes (21 December 2006):
 I've just started a relationship with a similar age gap. He's 25 and I'm 18 and a virgin. It's early days yet so we haven't really talked about sex or our pasts a whole lot yet and we're just enjoying being together for now but I'm pretty sure he's had sexual relationships in the past. I'd be surprised if he didn't.
I had similar insecurities to yours when I was with my first real boyfriend. I was 16 and he was 19 and he'd slept with his previous girlfriend. I kept thinking about them together and wondering what it was about her that made him sleep with her. I wondered if she was beautiful or just more layed back and relaxed about sex. If she was more fun than me. Then I worried that maybe she wasn't. Maybe she wasn't particulartly pretty or charming or sweet and that he didn't care cos he was just horny and wanted sex or insecure so couldn't handle the peer pressure around being a virgin.
The relationship didn't last. We weren't compatible but in the end I just came to the conclusion that people sleep with different people for diferent reasons at different points in their life and just because someone has slept with someone else in the past it doesn't mean that they find that person sexier than you or more fun than you or smarter than you or even as sexy, smart and fun as you at all. Otherwise why would they have ever stopped being with that person?
Sexuality is something we experiment with a lot throughout our lives. Especially in the early days. For the most part guys are taught differently about sex. Virginity is often veiwed as more of a virtue in females than males. Being a virgin is seen as less macho and sometimes they feel they have to prove themselves by slutting themselves around a bit. Virginity in and of itself isn't neccessarily a virtue and someone who's had a lot of sex isn't a worse person for having done so (5 people by 24 isn't a huge number or anything). Virginity's just a choice. For a lot of people it's a good choice and it means thinking through what you want rather than feeling your way around. It means setting standards at your own pace and it allows you to be more in control of your choices. It can protect you from a lot of crap you're not ready for early on too.
When we're young we're still trying to figure out what we want in a partner and the way we do that a lot of that time is trying things out. Getting together with someone and making a go of things and seeing how we like it. Turns out he didn't like it enough with the women of his past to stick with them. And after his experiences with them he's decided he likes you better and wants to be with you. They're his exes for a reason. They weren't right together and it didn't pan out.
The thing about the girl that he said was "just sex", well I don't know that that was a lie as such. Maybe when they started off he thought it was more but with hindsight being 20/20 the only thing there was sex and he realised that and figured he wanted someone he could have fun with in more than one aspect of life so they moved on. Try not to be too hard on him about that one.
It can be hard not to come across negatively when talking about your past relationships with the person in your current one because if you focus on all the good bits your partner can feel insecure and if you focus on all the bad your partner wonders why you wasted your time on it or why you were such a jerk but it all comes back to the whole thing of it being a learning experience. Try not to keep repeating the argument about his past with him. He can't undo it and he might be a different person today if he hadn't had the experiences he had.
The age/experience gap can be a tricky one. He's 6 years of living ahead of you and there is a bit of worrying about the women who've got those 6 years that he has that he could be with but not everyone gets the same out of every year. Sometimes people go through a few years of sailing along smoothly and learn nothing. The next year you could be in a difficult college course or have had to deal with family problems and you come through the other side with whole bunch of new perspectives and coping skills. We don't all pack the same amount of experience into each year and just cos someone's done more in their life doesn't always mean they've learnt more. Whatever way things have worked out, you guys have enough in common that you've racked up a whole year of experience together. Focus on that. Focus on what's kept you hanging in there and focus on what sort of enjoyment you guys can get from the relationship you're in now. Best of luck with everything hun :) Feel free to pm me and chat if you like
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (21 December 2006):
 Hey sweetheart,
I feel you pain. My current boyfriend of a year n' a half was my first ever (I was 19.... now I'm 20). He, however, has a bit of a past due to some college fun and a hard rebound from a tough breakup. He's been with A LOT of girls (not exceeding 25, but still a good number), and his past was EXCEPTIONALLY hard for me to deal with.
The images of other girls making the "o" face, and him kissing and touching other women... it drove me mad!! But, after time and much reassurance... I'm mostly okay with it now. It doesn't bother me as much.
You know why? Because I know he loves me. I know he loves sex with me. I know he's not comparing me to anyone... right now, with me, he's having the best sex of his life. And not because of any special "moves", but because it's with me and I'm special to him.
You just need to know and remember that when he's in bed with you he's not thinking, "you know, Becky did this way better". He's focused on you and how much he loves you. He thinks you're gorgeous! He thinks you're perfect. He's been with you for a year and some change for a reason.
It's pretty hard and yes, only time will cure it. He's gotta help, though. He's gotta keep reminding you how beautiful and perfect you are. I know he thinks you're great or he wouldn't be with you.
You know what helped me? I thought about all the guys that I've made out with in the past, or messed around with (I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend, but I had certainly had done other things with boys), and I thought "well, when I'm kissing Gerald I'm not comparing him to anyone else. They don't even cross my mind! I'm completely focused on Gerald and how great he is."
He loves you. And that's why he loves sex the most with you.
I hope I helped an inkling.
xxIndia
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