A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been married now for almost 3 years. Prior to marriage, we dated for a few years and during that time there was a gradual decline in our sexual relationship. I spoke to my wife about this and she said it was a moral issue since we were not married. I understood this as we both come from a religious upbringing which frowned upon pre marital sex. We did get married, and I hoped for a positive change, but my wife would not make love to me on our wedding night. Our honeymoon was almost 3 months long and our connection grew stronger, but sexually... the decline continued. I became frustrated, but wanting to stay positive looked for answers. We sought professional advice and the advice through weekly sessions was that we should not have sex but slowly work up to it over a few months. We did this 2 times over a period of a year and the results always are the same. I think that my wife is just non-sexual, but she has not let herself go... she is very attractive. She just does not want to have sex. This is making me feel irritated, because I have negative feelings that are creeping in because I feel that my wife does not feel any connection with me. I feel this way because she keeps me busy in the evenings working on projects that she does not get involved with seemingly to keep me away from her as she does other stuff. Any sexual advance is always declined with to tired, not feeling good, we have to leave soon... the result is always the same.I address this situation as it is and my wife gets very angry with me saying that this is not happening. This is making me feel so far removed from her, and this is not what I want. I find her attractive, smart and we once had a wonderful time together... I want to bring this back, but also bring sex into our lives. So this is where I am... Wondering
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Sex isn't love, love isn't sex. She shouldn't have to have sex with you, just because you want her too.......
BUT, if she is NOT having sex with you, she should still be at least honest with you, and she is NOT being honest with you when she says that "I don't do that to you-tell you that I'm tired, etc." Of course you feel removed from her-if someone was telling me that our sex life wasn't declining when I knew that it was, ie if someone was lying to me about things that they were doing (saying im too tired, etc etc.) I would feel removed from them too since they were lying to me and acting like I was the crazy one who didn't know what was going on.
If she was going to be like this when yall got married she should've told you. I asked my bf if we never had sex in marriage would he be okay with it, and he said yes. She should've asked you such things, instead of leading you on, because as everyone knows, in marriage, sex is usually expected. I think it is wonderful that you sought counseling and actually attended the sensions. Unfortunately, counseling will not make her change her mind about having sex. Only she can change her mind about it.
Here's a thought-sometimes in some cultures where women are encouraged not to have premarital sex, when they finally do have sex in marriage, they STILL feel guilty about it! Sad, isn't it?
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (13 March 2008):
 This is really sad. You deserve a normal sex life. You can't stay in this situation - it's obviously, and understandably, making your life a misery. And I know how sexual rejection feels - it really is a miserable, abject, lonely feeling. I wonder too if she is physically close to you, but in a non-sexual way? Does she let you hug her tight, stroke her hair, etc? Ok, this is what I would do:
Make a point of having some non-sexual, but sensual, contact with her every day. When you go to bed, say you want to give her a back massage, or even just start gently doing it. If she says she's tired, say that's good, you can gently massage her to sleep. You need to relax her, and make that physical contact with her.
You know, if all is ok - ie, if she finds you attractive, and hasn't got any terrible hangups - then after not long at all you should be able to progress to some sort of sexual contact. But if she constantly rejects you, it's either she doesn't want YOU or she doesn't want SEX. Or, indeed, could be both.
You need to sort this out. Try the massaging, etc, for a time - you need to really work at it, but I don't think you should tell her it's a 'plan' - just do it because you love her and want to be close to her. And help it along by telling her, at least a couple of times a day, how sexy she is, and how cool. And then if after a while (it might take weeks) you can never progress any further, then you need seriously to confront her. If she honestly won't have sex with you, you're going to have to split up, or have an affair. She did promise to love you in every way when she married you, and she can't expect you to live without sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): If you don't deal with this - SOON - your marriage will crumble one way or another.
If she has emotional/psychological problems with sex, that's unfortunate but it can be worked on. (Some kind of emotional/sexual abuse in her past comes to mind, but that is just a guess on my part.) At least a mental issue is an understandable issue. Tell her the situation. Tell her that you'd rather find out she has sexual problems of this type than to go on thinking she just doesn't want sex with you at all.
I keep thinking about the fact that she started out kinda sexual with you, but then she withdrew the sexual aspect of your relationship gradually before you were even married. That's probably a very important detail about all this.
I see two possibilities on that:
1. She started out feeling sexual about you earlier in the dating stage, but now she has gradually lost all romantic feelings for you a long time ago. You two probably shouldn't remain together any longer if this is the case. The romantic relationship is probably irreconcilable now.
2. She is unable to feel/exert her own sexuality in any positive way at all. Sexual activities/feelings make her feel so deeply sinful that she cannot reconcile even having them with someone she loves & cares about. So the better she got to know you & care about you during the dating stage, the more uncomfortable she got about showing this "sinful" side of herself to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I wish I had an answer for you, but as for myself, I think most men have this confusion about their women. I have read recently that men are the problem because they are not romantic enough. But I must admit I'm old fashion or something, because first I feel I'm no expert in romance, secondly, it appears to me that it is a full time job keeping her interest up, and thirdly, with no feedback (silent partner), I hesitate to continue for fear I'm either wasting my time and she just doesn't want to bother telling me so.If we could only read minds!
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A
female
reader, Harbbey3000  +, writes (13 March 2008):
I honestly feel sorry 4 u but wat ur case reguires is a lot of patience,continue 2 talk 2 her,show respect for her feelings,let her know u appreciate wat she is giving u but also tell her u expect and need more.Finally dont put much pressure on her,be romantic,send her romantic cards and gifts,send her erotic text messages,try 2 woo her all over again.
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