A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have just found out one week ago that my husband has cheated on me. We have been together 21 years and married for 14. He cheated on me five years ago and has only just told me. The real problem I am having with this is that he cheated on me with the same person twice, once five years ago and again four years ago and supposedly this other woman now has two children which she told him are his but he has no proof of this. He has been paying her money weekly to support the children and has been seeing them but does not interact with them. I find it hard to believe that she got pregnant twice during the two times she was with him but I know its not impossible. I thought he was my best friend and can't believe he has betrayed me like this. We have two children together aged 12 and 10. We have talked it through and although it is completely out of character for him, he can't give me a reason why he did it. He just tells me he doesn't know. Up to this point I thought our life was perfect, I believed we were soulmates.I just don't know what to do for the best. I still love him but can I ever trust him again, I don't want to put my kids through any heartache. He suggested marriage counselling but I don't know if I want to. He said he will do anything to make it better.I can't get the flashbacks I am having of him with her and can't stand him touching me at times. We have talked and talked but I don't know what to do next.I would appreciate any advice you can give me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Wow. Going through the same thing. Just found out my "soulmate" cheated -WITH A 24 YEAR OLD-HE IS 50 been together for 15 years 2 kids. yOU KNOW, I will tell you what I tell myself every morning, or night when I wake up and relive the past year in my mind. We are put here on this earth for a purpose. I know this because it is not possible to hurt the way I hurt for this life to be it. Maybe WE (the MARRIED woman)aern't human beings trying to be spiritual, but maybe we are the spiritual beings trying to teach them (the man) how be human. I just think I am stronger then him and I will survive as long as I am true to myself. NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO ME
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): It's one thing to cheat, another thing to not use protection and get another woman pregnant, twice!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): Hi, firstly I am very sorry to hear of your situation and the pain you are experiencing. I do know how it feels - having discovered a year long affair between my husband and some woman AND then discovering she was pregnant with his child (now born). All I can say is that baby duck is right - it will take alot of time - and even then you won;t have any guarantees. I know what it's like to feel like your whole world comes crashing down - that everything you thought you knew now seems like a lie - it is incredibly difficult to accept. I am sure you are questioning absolutely everything now, and probably feeling pretty stupid too. Don't. If there is one thing I have learned it is that there are no easy answers in a situation like this and that no matter how much talking and thinking and wishing you do you can't erase it, things will never go back to how they were for you before. It has happened - you have to come to terms with that first and then figure out what comes next. It's really normal to have flashbacks and think about it all the time at first - but that should settle with time. In the meantime you need to look at what support you need. For me, I told noone. I carried the huge burden and pain for about 5 months before finally seeking support through a psychologist at my workplace - telling her, talking it through out loud has really been helpful for me. Maybe that would help you too? It has helped to normalise some of the reponses I have had, and has helped me to stop displacing my anger onto the other woman etc. It's helped me to see the strengths and weaknesses in my relationship before and after the affair, and has been helpful for me in trying to come to terms with and deal with the child he fathered with her. I still love my husband - but I am now able to accept that I can do that AND still be bitterly disappointed and angry with him - and expect more from him now. He and I are trying to work things out - and so far we are doing very well, so I am hopeful of recovery and of a stronger marriage - but I still have my ups and downs believe me. It's hard. I really wish my husband would agree to see a counsellor with me - I think that would be so beneficial for us both. I believe in your case - that if your husband cannot identify the reasons why he entered into an affair (and why he has maintained the deceit) then there is a real problem - for how can he work on and resolve the issues if he cannot articulate them? I think that is something he really must do - for both of you - if you are to be able to move forward and try and repair your relationship/trust. So - I guess I am saying - give the relationship counselling a go...it can't hurt, cause when you hurt as much as you already do there's no more pain to add....you just might get some answers and some strategies to help you in the here and now. It's a positive thing that your husband is telling you he will do anything to 'fix' things...it means maybe, just maybe you guys have a chance. Just take things one day at a time - and don;t expect too much from yourself too quickly. There are a number of books and websites that might be useful too - to show you that the rollercoaster of emotions you are experinecing are very 'normal' in this circumstance. But...find someone you can talk to - believe me, it really makes a difference.I sincerely hope things will settle and that you will feel much better very soon. Best wishes and good luck.
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