A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello this may be a lil not lengthy but I need advice. I was in a long distance relationship with someone I met on a job two years ago, we met when I moved to Virginia for a short period of time but because we were both in a relationship at the time we never said anything. I ended up moving back to Georgia Aug 2015 but we remained Facebook friends.February of last year he reached out to me and told me of his crush I thought it was so odd because I liked him to. We decided to start a relationship and everything was so beautiful he was a perfect gentleman. The summer of last year he drove down here to Georgia to pick me and my daughters up for a week in VA. We had a great time and everything seems to be going great. But then one day he sent a screenshot of something he wanted me to see and at the top of the phone was a girl name and she was asking the question " Tonight?" I called him and asked him about it and he said it was his cousin, that didn't sit well because I saw her profile on Facebook and he had liked so many of her provocative photos. Then he went back an unlinked them. He finally came out with the truth. He said she's just a friend. From that moment my trust was shattered. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but I couldn't shake it. We stayed together and I would take trips to Virginia to see him but his phone was always on do not disturb. It bothered me because I felt like he was hiding something from me, we would always have a great time I met his mom and family during the Holidays and he said he was ready to start his life with me, he told me he loved me and I was the best woman he ever had. He always called me his wife. I really believed he loved me because he was so loving and he did so much for me we talked all the time day and night he told me to start looking for houses in VA so I could relocate by spring. Two ago everything changed I had been feeling a disconnect but I tried to ignore it. I really wanted to trust him and put my insecurities to the side but I couldn't shake the feeling in my gut so I asked him was everything alright between us and he assured me it was. Still I couldn't shake the feeling so a few days passed and I told him how I felt, he became silent and I knew something was wrong, after some deep breaths he finally told me he cheated on me and the girl is pregnant. My heart was beating so fast and I was in shock!!! I can't believe it!! I thought for sure he was the one for me. I asked him a few days ago was there hope for us and he said he had hope but he knows the girl is gonna be on him about the baby. He just seems like he gave up on us and I can't believe it or understand it because I thought he was in love with me, can someone please help me understand why when he said he loved me he would betray me and hurt me this way, I'm getting better but it still hurts!!! I'm looking to understand this Help!!!
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 February 2018):
 Of course you are shocked and hurting OP. Its terrible to find out that someone we love has lied and cheated on us and even worse gotten another woman pregnant. As the other aunts and uncles have said even though you can't see it right now you dodged a bullet. Once you get over being hurt you'll realize that. There is a HUGE difference between what a person is really like and what you THINK they are like. He was lying and hiding from you and the long distance made that easier for him.
Don't grieve too long for him sweets. He isn't worth one of your tears. LD relationship can work, I was in one and I know how hard they are but they only work when both people are faithful and only want the person that they are in the relationship with. I have no doubts that the man cared for you, but he couldn't/wouldn't handle the being apart aspect. He did you a favor I promise down the road you will believe that.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 February 2018):
Of course you are shocked and hurting OP. Its terrible to find out that someone we love has lied and cheated on us and even worse gotten another woman pregnant. As the other aunts and uncles have said even though you can't see it right now you dodged a bullet. Once you get over being hurt you'll realize that. There is a HUGE difference between what a person is really like and what you THINK they are like. He was lying and hiding from you and the long distance made that easier for him.
Don't grieve too long for him sweets. He isn't worth one of your tears. LD relationship can work, I was in one and I know how hard they are but they only work when both people are faithful and only want the person that they are in the relationship with. I have no doubts that the man cared for you, but he couldn't/wouldn't handle the being apart aspect. He did you a favor I promise down the road you will believe that.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 February 2018):
Don't overthink it, he's an asshole, and the two of you are not meant to be. Trying to wonder what happened or where things went wrong is as useful as arguing with a crazy person. It's also better to find out now than after you get married. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2018): If he lied to you that a woman was a cousin only to find-out she isn't; that's a major red-flag!
You indicated consistently throughout your post you had gut-feelings and reservations; and even ignored your better-judgement. You just wanted him so badly.
Just because a man tells you he loves you; do not go deaf, dumb, and blind to all the facts you see before your own eyes. You're a mature and intelligent woman. You let a few trips, kisses, and holidays push you further into denial. Although you saw blatant-signs this guy is not on the up and up. He started things out with a big lie. That's one lie too many! Lies and cheating go hand-in-hand!
No sense in suffering over the mess he has made for himself. Your agonizing of this isn't helping you, or your kids. They do not need to go through this drama with you!
You have to pull-it together to show your children how to face these challenges of life. You have to save all the drama and emotional-outpouring for quiet-times alone; and show a strong face in spite of your pain! Trust me on this!
You will be inclined to pass your cynicism and bitterness onto your girls. Your emotional-displays will make an impression. Not a good one, if you're not careful. There are good-men and bad-ones; as well as good-women and bad-women. Women are not victims, not perfect. We are all prone to life, events, and circumstances. It's how you learn and survive. That's life's reality.
People make mistakes; but we all get a chance to correct them. We find our redemption and resilience in learning and teaching. Hey, I know it hurts. Been there, done that. Don't you dare be defeated! I'm here to tell you!
That fool hasn't reset or thrown your life off-course. It's just a temporary-setback. He's nothing but a player and a liar. Luckily, he didn't get you pregnant too!
A lady/mother in her 30's has seen heart-break and disappointment in-love before. It never hurts any less; but we always get through it. "What doesn't kill you, make you stronger!"
You still have two daughters depending on you, your strength, and your example. You can't make them think that life is nothing but mistakes and disappointments. In pain, we are inclined to feel sorry for ourselves; but you know as well as I do, that you win some and you lose some. It wasn't 100%, it just didn't have the happy-ending you were expecting. Lies are usually fair-warning!
Gather your strength. When the girls aren't around, purge your pain and let your emotions flow. When they're around, rejoice in their love. They trust you, they love you, and to them you're a role-model. Almighty Mom! Teach them that there are good-men, in spite of this one. Sometimes they fool you, but you become the wiser. Your children are your blessing. Their love and trusting faces gets you through all the crap life throws at you! Nobody can take that from you!
You're free and independent once again. Focus on you and your girls. Pray over it, talk to your women-friends about it, tell your mother about it; and then get-over it, girlfriend! You ain't 40 yet! Still got many good years ahead of you!
Learn from each person (good or bad) who touches your life; it always prepares you for someone better. Stop agonizing over "why???" You ducked a bullet!
Life goes on! You're free to find someone better!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 February 2018):
 The thing with long distance OP is that both people need to put a lot of effort in to making it work. Long distance is difficult and you need to make sure it is what you both want and that you are both going to make the sacrafice. It can be hard when a couple are together a couple of years then it turns long distance, it is a huge strain on a relationship. This relationship started out as a long distance and it was doomed from the word go. You never got a chance to spend quality time getting to know each other and doing things together, you both just went straight in to long distance and people can loose interest fairly quickly when a relationship has not already been established.
It all seemed well until you saw that screen shot which I am sure he never intended to have you see the girls message. I bet he was kicking himself when he realized what he had done. It is clear from here he was messaging other women and lying to you. That is a big red flag and one you should have looked in to more. His cousin? You knew deep down that it wasn't and he was hiding something the moment you noticed he had liked pictures and then unliked them, but unfortunately you buried your head in the sand. Which is a real shame because you could have got the truth then instead of carrying this on. Going from cousin to friend and unliking things is not normal behavior in a relationship, of course your trust was shattered, he lied to you and if he had nothing to hide he would not have had any reason to lie to you. You stayed with him because you wanted your happy ending, when you saw his phone on do not disturb you knew deep down he was hiding something. These signs should never be ignored in a relationship.
He may have acted loving and told you all the right things when you where both together, but it is clear he could not be trusted when you went back home again, it sounds like he wanted a part time girlfriend and that was you. I am just thankful that you didn't buy a house with him.
Sweetie he would never have told you he cheated only that he ended up getting another girl pregnant and he had no choice. He would never have been truthful to you. Him being distant was probably a way of him backing out of trying to finish with you, he was to much of a coward to tell you the truth. Honey he didn't love you, you don't treat people you love like he treated you.
You asked HIM was there any hope? OP don't sell yourself short to any man. Want more for yourself, don't allow a man to treat you like this. I honestly cannot believe you asked him was there any hope, he lied cheated he is going to be a father and he did not think about you in this whole process. My guess is he is using excuses not to get back with you, my guess is he has something going on with the mother of his child.
It will take time, but you will keep getting better and better. But please in the future do not allow any man to treat you like this and go running back to them, you are worth more than that.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 February 2018):
 This isn't love. Love is faithful.
He's a liar and a cheat. You really don't want any part in that, and neither would the other woman, if she knew. In fact, you should really feel sorry for the baby.
Take a break for a few months, then look for guys who are more local, available and in the same place as you, in terms of what they want in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2018):
 Jeeez OP,
Don't be so DESPERATE to believe all his crap because YOU want a "happily ever after"!
He lied to you. First she was his cousin, then a friend... And now either she (or another woman) is pregnant with his child.
He was playing "fantasy house" with you. Telling you all that he thought you wanted to hear so you would stick around, but he also played UNPROTECTED sex with someone else.
Honey, WORDS are cheap. Calling you wife... is OH so cute, but kinda sleazy when you know he was screwing around with another woman - who he probably ALSO told sweet nothings to. Because that is what his words are.. Sweet NOTHINGS!
If you hadn't had that gut feeling something was up, poked and prodded him he probably wouldn't have TOLD you about the other woman being pregnant or the cheating.
TAKE yourself to the doctor, get a STD panel done. Because this guy was having unprotected sex with at least ONE other woman while dating you.
CUT him off. MOVE on.
You CAN NOT trust this guy. Not to be honest NOT to be faithful... What future is there then? You want to uproot your kids life only to be with a guy who CHEATS on you and LIE to your face?
You have a responsibility to your kids to make the best life for them as you can. Being with this guy? Is not it. Because he WILL lie to you again, he might even cheat AGAIN.
He wasn't in love with you. He was in love of the IDEA of you.
I'm so sorry. But really, OP It might not feel like it but you dodged a bullet. YOU could have been the one becoming pregnant, or gotten married to him, and then finding out what a craptastic guy he REALLY is.
CUT all contact. BLOCK , DELETE and move on.
And I'd advice you to date someone who doesn't live so far away. Someone who is truthful, honest and faithful and who can be a GREAT male role-model to your kids. In short? a REAL man.
My guess? He was seeing HER before he was seeing you, or has been seeing her on the side this WHOLE time.
Don't ignore red flags, OP. It will get you in hot water. Take the blinders off and see the reality not the fantasy.
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A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (8 February 2018):
Why would you even consider staying with him? You are worth so much more than being 3rd priority to a cheat and a liar.
You would never being able to trust him and you'd always be living on the edge, afraid he'll cheat again.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 February 2018):
 He didn't love you. He lied to you. This has nothing to do with you, it's not a reflection of you in any way, you didn't do anything wrong and you couldn't have done anything better. He is a cheat, a liar and an absolute swine and I think you should thank your stars that he's out of your life. I pity the poor girl that he's got pregnant and the poor, poor child who will bear this man's name.
As for you OP, why are you hurt? Celebrate your freedom!
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