A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fell head over heels for my girlfriend a year ago, I'm late 20's she's early 20's. I thought I had never met anyone as mature and as suited to me as she was but in hindsight I was blinded by my love for her. In four months we were certain we wanted to marry quickly and start a family. As I spent more time with her family and friends I started to realise that I had misjudged her and that she wasn't the dependable partner I had been looking for. Her family seem to like me but think that I'm looking after her and I'm good for her, I wanted someone dependable and not someone I have to look after. I think my family also pick up on this and would have wanted me to go out with someone older. Also my brother knows my g/fs friends and I always worry about what he knows about her past and may have shared with the rest of my family which could present her in a bad way (unfairly as we all have a history). There was also an instance at a family party (her family thank god) where she drunk too much and really embarassed me, her family apoplogised but said that she does this a lot!At this point we were already living together, over the next few months I quickly changed my position on children and marriage. My g/f is still keen on marriage and I think gets pressure from her family, I have stated that I'd rather wait 3-5 years so that we are both sure. I have explained that I feel a little let down, my g/f has given up drinking completely since the one night she embarrased me.I really regret rushing into things and moving in together so soon, it got to the point where I couldn't sleep on a night because it makes me feel claustrophobic. I can't believe how stupid I had been to move so quickly when I could have easily waited and just seen each other on weekends etc.I do love her but I'm not sure that shes the one I'm meant to be with, even though we do have a great time together and we hardly ever agrue. The truth is that I am ready for marriage but I want it to be with someone who is at the same stage of life as me and someone I can build a future with, someone I trust.I feel like she could become the person I am looking for as she matures but then I feel that I shouldn't be with her right now if it doesn't feel right. I'm also worried about breaking up with her and the way her and her family would react. Also she has picked up on this problem and I think is trying to become someone she isn't, i.e. being more mature and not drinking etc. This can't last forever and I'd rather her be herself. I know it sounds bad but I think that her being herself would enable me to make a clearer decision about whether we are meant to be together or not.I have tried explaining this to her but she got really upset, she has a flat and I suggested we take a break for a few months and she moves in there for a while. Shes asked that we take a few months and work on it but stay living together, which I agreed to but these two months are up next week. Basically I asked her to do a number of things, secretly these things would benefit her if we did break up i.e. sorting her finances out, completing her driving test and sorting some things out at work. These things also benefit us if we stay together.I need to decide what I want to do and tell her next weekend, I've booked us a couple of nights away and I'm hoping to have worked out what I want to do by then, but I still haven't, what should I do?
View related questions:
a break, at work, drunk, her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): I think you should make this simple.Do you love her? Have you felt this way before?
If you have something worth while in your future why dont you stop worrying and see what feels natural as you progress?
Have you thought about having a serious discussion with her about what she wants and if you are right for her too.
If you guys communicate you might not have so many doubts.
A
female
reader, MonicaC  +, writes (17 August 2009):
 You sound like a man with a very good head on his shoulders and, if I may say, a kind and generous spirit. You are sincere in what you want from a relationship, and you are clear-sighted enough to know what you don't want. It is a very common phenomena, I'm afraid, for people to pretend to be something they are not to get a mate. And, then, once they attain that person, the act ends, the curtain comes down, and reality is staring you in the face. Sometimes, what you see is not so bad, but more often than not, what you see is a complete stranger who doesn't suit your needs or wants.At that point, you have to take a good look at yourself and realize that you must make a decision, which is exactly what you are doing. I think you know that she isn't right for you, but you feel obligated to stay in the situation because you've come this far. Trust me, my friend, you should do what feels right in your heart. If you feel that she is not the one for you, then you are still young enough to find the one who is right!Don't feel that you have to stay with someone who isn't what you want or need. You're a good bloke. You're just looking out for your own heart. Follow your instincts on this one. Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, offthestage +, writes (17 August 2009):
If you dont feel as if she is the right person for you now, then you will never feel that way down the road. You shouldnt feel like you have to babysit your own girlfriend either. It doesn't matter what either of your family thinks, its about your needs and desires. Frankly, she isn't meeting niether of those. Even if she tries to change for you, shes not going to be changing for herself... which seems to me how she is currently acting. Shes trying to be something she isnt when she knows that if she puts on this facade, it might keep you. Do you really want to be with someone so insecure within themselves who hides from everything through a bottle? Think about how your future could be like with her and her alcoholism. Just because she COULD be the person you spend your life with doesn't mean she IS. It seems like her alcoholism is a major conflict that will always be a subject in your relationship as it continues. Does she make you a better person on the inside? Does she complete you on an emotional and spiritual level? Is being with her truly emotionally beneficial? Its not about the finances or how much you love each other. Its about the communication and compatibility between the both of you and how much trust you have within one another. You guys both got into this really fast without thinking things through and now that you know each other more, you are seeing the skeletons in each other's closets. This is what happens when everything goes so quickly and you are blinded by infatuation.I suggest you try to think this out throughly. If it takes you making a list of pros and cons about the relationship, then go ahead and try it! Then honestly ask yourself if you believe you guys can work out the bad things. Do the good things overweigh the bad?Love is strong, and if its true love it will conquer. But if shes really the one for you, you would have known it by now without doubt in your mind. Don't think of it as if she COULD be but if she IS right now and if so, then you have found your person.
...............................
A
female
reader, \m/J.D\m/ +, writes (17 August 2009):
 first thing that grabs my attention is this, UNTILL her family got involved, you WERE happy, yes? you are letting other ppls opinions overrule your own, that could be classed as immature.. im not saying you are, im sayin that could be someones opinion, the fact shes in her early 20's does not make her immature, letting your hair down once in a while is a very healthy thing to do, for you as well as her, maybe she leans on you a fair bit, women naturally do this, we like to feel protected and innocent where our men are concerned. the fact she wants marriage and a family with you is a huge thing, she wants that commitment with you, i find that to be VERY mature, also take into consideration with a family, she would have most of her attention focused on raising the children which of cause would take alot of the lean she has off you. of cause you will support her, thats what partners are there for! but honestly, in my opinion you are letting other ppl rule YOUR mind. stop it, take control of what YOU want, focus on that and achieve that. ultimately it would be you married to her, not other ppl or their opinions. good luck, JD.
...............................
|
