A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance has been working as a security guard for asylum seeker and refugee homes for almost one year now. Very quickly they put him onto night shift and now our schedules clash and we don't see each other as much as we would like to, I mean, our quality time together is limited because he works 12 hour shifts most of the time through the night and I am usually at work before he comes home and still at work when he has to leave for work. We communicate sometimes by leaving notes for each other, but I wouldn't say it has put a massive strain on the relationship as we manage to make it work around food shopping etc.. but we do often "pass like ships in the night" so to speak.A few times he has said I should pop up to the home and have coffee with him.. sometimes he works alone and sometimes there is someone else there depending on where he is based for the week or so. The refugees seem to love him and he gets on with everyone and seems to cope with night shift well and stays positive.The other day we were in the area where his "favourite" home is, it is basically containers... he said let's go by, I will show you where it is..and a few people outside saw him, some Serbians, they said hi and some boys came running out and said hello and were laughing and smiling. On our way back to get the bus we came across some Syrian girls, max. 11 years old, all delighted to see him. They stopped to say hello and talk to use. One of them was cheeky and was teasing him and joking with him. She asked about me and then said what about your two other women in the home? She turned to me and said you do realise he has two women there don't you? Are you the third?My fiance laughed at this and said no, this is my first woman. But the child kept saying it and even as they left us and we went to get our bus, she said it one last time.It has left a bad taste in my mouth as I have had my suspicions. His clothing smelled of perfume a couple of times when he got home. Other things have been said and happened to make me suspicious but I put it to the back of my mind.Anyone heard of the saying out of the mouth of babes....? Like children always blurt out the truth....?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): I am very grateful for the replies. I thought after reading them I was overreacting. I still had a funny feeling that something was not right between us though. A couple of times recently he has had the chance to spend his nights off with me and I have been free and around and he has has gone to his "friends". He has been really moody, sometimes being nice and then flipping into being nasty for no good reason and seems really distracted, like I can be talking and he will just stare out of the window like his mind is somewhere else. Also he has been coming home fairly regularly with weird white stains on his trousers, oddly on the outside of his trouser leg. They look like sex stains. And he never takes my hand on the street anymore and seems to behave really shifty when I go to put my arm around him or kiss him in public.I haven't mentioned any of this to him, I checked his phone and his laptop and it tells me everything. It looks as if he is contacting random women through some chat site with a fake name and profile. I have left him after calling him out on it and he is denying it all.I just had that feeling all the time. So maybe those children were right after all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): Thanks for the replies.Honeypie, they are not only Syrians in the homes, there is a surprising mix of people from all over the world, although Germany is clamping down now on who comes in, but there are asylum seekers from various war zones and former war zones, such as the former Yugoslavia, Eritrea, North Africa..... a mix of cultures and religions, although the majority may be from Syria. Also not all Syrians are Muslim and have an equally open approach to relationships. He has told me some stories about some of the girls saying how they will marry German policemen so they can get a passport and at least one woman offering her "services" for money. It is all a bit sad and who knows what horrors these people have been through, but my boyfriend is a savvy guy and his ethnic background is from a country that has had its own share of troubles, so he is well aware of the tricks and attitudes of some cultures. He is also quite clever at spotting who is not really there for asylum.But I digress. You guys could well be right that the children simply said something childish and she might have a crush on him, that is very true. He has also asked me to go up there several times, but I have always been busy with work. We managed to get a couple of hours together on Friday before he went to work and things were good. Last night I was free and as he has asked me so many times, I email him suggesting I pop up there for a coffee. He emailed back saying there was no need if I was feeling tired. I said well I'm good now, had a rest and would love to come see you. He said no, I am free Monday, we can spend time together then.That has confused me a bit because he has consistently said I should just "drop by" and have a coffee with him and the other guys etc etc.. but when I actually offered to do so, he turned me down.The other red flags were him smelling of fragrance quite a lot, but he told me a colleague is selling knock-off fragrances. He knows I hate fragrances and yet every night he was worked with this man, whom he claims to dislike intently, he has allowed him to spray some aftershave or something smelly onto him. It was a fake YSL or Fahrenheit or some other disgusting overpowering sickly smell. Then one morning he came home, pulled off his jumper and it wafted a perfumey smell over that was very strong. I picked up his jumper and sniffed it and this time it was not a male fragrance, but very female and like a cheap deodorant. I said to him this place stinks of fragrance and his face looked really panicky and he looked straight at his jumper and said his colleague had sprayed hm with Axe.Now I could wonder do his colleagues think he has BO lol... but he doesn't.... A friend of mine said could be he is spraying himself with stuff to cover the smell of women...or to attract them.. but it's not all the time... Since then I have found a fake YSL aftershave pushed to the back of his cupboard. The other day we were in a chemist and he wanted to look at how much it costs. I felt really uncomfortable being told twice not to go up there after being invited so many times.....
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (10 June 2016):
 I think you're fishing here. For all you know, this kid has a little crush on your guy and wants you to feel insecure. I mean, also, the math makes sense, you COULD be a third person in there. You're not. It's fine! Doesn't mean he's having sex or any unprofessional relations with the ones that ARE in the house. He comes home smelling like perfume, but if his job is to be in these houses with women helping out, that also doesn't seem out of bounds to me. Don't let that kid get to you. What are the other red flags that have been raised?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2016):
 I don't know. Can also be a language barrier thing. And while a little girl might *think* he has a girl there.... She could also misunderstand the situation 100%, she IS a kid after all. Different culture and different way people treat/interact with women in Syria and Europe.
If he was REALLY knocking boots with a refugee woman (or 2) do you REALLY think he would bring you around? I would make no sense in trying to include you.
What DOES make sense is to bring you around so the women there who MIGHT have hopes that he is interested will know that HE is taken already.
And no, children do NOT always blurt out the truth. They DO blurt out stuff they have overheard, they think/believe and in some cases downright lies.
Let's say your fiance calls one (or more) women there "my girl" as a term of endearment or to make them feel more at ease around a man, the kid overhears that term and thinks 2+2 =5
Personally, I don't think Syrian women in a refugee center (or elsewhere) would endanger their chance of marriage with a dalliance. Their reputation would be totally shattered if they DID do things with a man outside of marriage.
Now with all that said, you DO mention that there are other things that makes you suspicious, so maybe if I were you I'd pay extra close attention for the next while?
Maybe ask him casually why that little girl was so adamant that you had 2 women there too?
I would NOT jump to any conclusions yet.
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