A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a Log Distance Relationship for several years now. We just saw each other this past week. We do have plans to be together physically within the next year or so.Tonight, I received a call and then a text from him that said 'Call Me ASAP". I returned his call but no one answered. I called back a few times and after an hour had passed, I called back even more times. He's an Uber Driver and I was worried that something might have happened to him. Finally, he picks up the phone. I hear a woman's voice in the background, she sounds drunk. Apparently she is one of the semi regular customers he picks up. Tonight, no only did he pick her up, they went to eat/drink together and when he picked up my call, he was dropping her off. Appears she kept talking and didn't want to go and even gave him her phone number to which he jotted down. Finally she left and when he was alone I asked him what happened. He said he texted me cuz he wanted to know how long it takes for a check to clear the bank cuz she wanted to know. Then while driving her home, he told her that he was stopping by a place to eat, she said she would join him. So, he turned off the Uber App and they went to eat/drink and he drove her home.I have several issues with this. #1. He texted me "Call me ASAP" but by the time I returned his call (10mins later) he was already eating/drinking with her and forgot he ever texted me. Because how do you text someone to call you asap and then not look at your phone to see if they called you back? He didn't pick up my call until 1 hour later. My honest gut feeling is that he didn't have his phone on him so he didn't realize I called and texted him a dozen times. #2. I was OK with him chatting to this girl because he did tell me that he picks up a girl after work at around mid night during the weekdays and they chit chat. But to be going out with her at mid night for a drink and food is crossing the line of a professional Uber Driver and not something that I would be OK with him doing.#3. I accept her phone number and to write it down in while i was on the phone... that tells me that he wants to have more than a professional relationship with her.Worst thing is, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He doesn't get why it's an issue. I can't tolerate this because it's not something I would do. He told her where he was going to eat... of course she picked it up and said she is going with him cuz she is INTERESTED. If she wasn't interested she would not volunteer to go with him. Does he think I'm stupid? Tell me that this is not acceptable... because clearly he thinks I'm over reacting and there is nothing with what he did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2019): Why are you wasting time with this idiot? You are not in a real relationship and he is calling you to brag about dating someone else. Time to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2019): OP here again...Thank you for all your responses. He doesn't believe in Dear Cupid and says people here don't understand and give bad advice.He swears up and down left and right that nothing happened, they just had dinner and drinks... and he said he didn't drink, only she did.I try to trust him.. I honestly try. But somehow it just doesn't sit well with me.. not the fact that they shared a meal together, not even so much the fact that he stated an emergency and never check to see if I called him back. What resonates with me is her on the phone.. I keep hearing her say "He said he loves you so much, He said you're so amazing....." and most of all, his replies of "Noooooo not true, Noooooo I didn't say that" And I remember his response when I asked why he would reply like that. I said what if I was out with another guy and he was on the phone and they guy told him how I praised him and he heard me denying every word of it. His reply was "Well, I didn't exactly use the words AMAZING, that's why I denied it." I honestly feel the whole conversation is what I am having trouble dealing with.. it just is not sitting well with me. I know I need to let this guy go.. regardless of whether something happened that night or not. He doesn't care about me or our relationship anymore... just he is not man enough to cut it off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2019): OP, he is a sneaky asshole. What's worse than hiding it? Doing it in your face and trying to look innocent while rubbing your nose in it! Not just him but his skanky passenger! He not only disrespects you but he thinks you're stupid, a doormat and so in love with him that you will settle down and go back to being his long distance gf after he's done playing!! Well... he's not done playing and he never will be. You choose if you will ALLOW it!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2019): My response is short, but after reading your additional post, imho you should dump him. Set yourself free and look for someone closer to home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2019): Hi
Thanks for the update. Judging by his response to 'WiseOwl's ' response, he really couldn't care less about how he is making you feel.
Uncaring, egotistical twat.
So sorry for the blunt language, but reading about how he is treating you, makes me so angry.
Chuck the fuck. Get your power back. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2019): Long distance is tough. It's something I'm in the middle of now. And there are as you know times that are much easier and much harder, like any relationship but I do think in LDRs frustrations can build up much quicker because of the lack of physicality. All you can really do is monitor the situation. You don't say anything in your message of thinking that he has been disloyal to you with this other lady, but I think it's something that's possibly a reality of concern in your mind. It was inconsiderate of him and it could seem that you are over reacting from his perspective if he doesn't know your entire feelings / insecurities on the situations what else will he think? Take some time to be open and honest .. explain that you thought the whole situation was a bit strange, ask if the LDR is working for him since you last seen each other. I think clarity is all that is needed so you can both move forward.Good luck
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 February 2019):
 I do not blame you one little bit for being upset. He's throwing up smokescreens and acting all innocent but the fact of the matter is that he crossed the line between being professional and being friends. I would be teed off by almost all of his actions. He wants you to get with him ASAP so he can about a check for HER? Then he ignores your calls, says he forgot, then goes out to eat with her?
Oh hell no girlfriend. He wants to be free yet wants to know that you are there waiting too. Its either one or the other not both. If it was me, I'd set him free. I wouldn't trust him at all. Sorry but you're a smart girl and you already know this. You just want us to back you up in your thoughts and I most certainly do. Its ok to let him go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2019): I am the OP, thank you all for your responses.One thing I forgot to mention was that when he finally picked up the phone, he put me on speaker phone. She was still in the car and was able to hear me. As I was asking him if he was OK and why he texted me "Call me ASAP", she interrupted and started talking. She said "Oh you're his girlfriend? He says he loves you soooo much and you're soooo amazing and he will marry you" She said it in a way too loud and way too happy tone that lead me to think she was somewhat drunk or exaggerating. While she was saying all of that, he kept chuckling saying "Nooooo it's not true, Noooooo I didn't say that" to what she was saying. It made me feel sick to my stomach to hear them as if they were flirting and him denying everything to make her happy. As if she was testing him. Then I heard her say in a low voice her phone number and it sounds like he was jotting it down because she was saying the numbers slowly as if watching him write it down. Then I heard a car door open and close... then he told me to wait on the phone and he will be right back. I again heard a door open and close... then a few minutes later opened and closed the door again and was back in the car. I kept thinking to myself, as a Uber Driver you don't need to get out of the car to escort her home. The passenger gets out of the car on their own and leaves. Why does he need to get out and tell me he will be right back?It's one thing to talk to your clients during the ride. Listen to their troubles, provide advice, joke, whatever .... but that is where the "relationship" ends... when you drop them off at their destination.I copied and pasted what WiseOwlE typed and sent to his phone... he pretends he doesn't understand what WiseOwlE is saying. His reply was "No Clue" "No response needed, nothing happened"
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2019): Oh, such are the perils and excruciating sacrifices of maintaining long-distance relationships!
Love and trust are the bonding-agents; the very glue that keeps your LDR together.
I'm in full-agreement with you 100%; from start to finish of your post. You put your argument and evidence together very articulately; so we can give you advice based on facts, not just suspicion or conjecture. Therefore, I will respond in the format of your well-put and well-thought concerns.
#1.Don't create a state of emergency; then not follow-up for response from the person (or people) you've notified in urgency. What are they to think if there is no response? He is an Uber driver; so he could have been robbed, had an accident, or might be calling for a ride due to a breakdown.
He scared you, then forgot about you. Strike one!
#2. Most Uber drivers have a select and regular clientele or recurring-customers that they can depend on for business. The idea is to keep busy and have regulars who establish a reliable working-relationship. You know the customer and they know you. He was transparent and upfront; but one could speculate that he had ulterior motives, and was only so candid as to thwart any suspicion. She's female, but he was trying to avert your attention away from that. It was more-so a move in deception; to throw you off the scent of his trail. Personalizing the relationship by eating and drinking together; he breached the client/business relationship. He's not an executive wooing a big business deal. He's wooing a lady! Late at night, after she has been drinking. His job was to see her home safely. Strike two!
#3. When a client calls for a lift; you get their number and a name on caller-ID. He has been "chatting" with her all along. So, was giving him her number necessary? Why would he call his girlfriend urgently, then turnoff his phone? Why would a guy take a lady out for drinks and eats at midnight other than his girlfriend? You're on the honor-system during an LDR; so you avoid anything that seems suspicious or would concern your partner about your loyalty. You avoid even the slightest appearance of being unfaithful. Trust is all you have to shorten the distance between you.
And there you have your third-strike!
Now lets analyze this, as you obviously have already. I'm just playing the devil's advocate.
If I wanted something shady to appear innocent, I'd tell you all about it. I'd play it off, and keep bringing it up casually until you're comfortable with it. All concerns are put aside.
You're by no means stupid or naive. You avoided allowing insecurity to get the better of you. I read a lot posts, but this one was put together like nobody's business. I'm not being facetious. You offered him the benefit of the doubt, and accepted him on his word. Admirably mature of you.
My final opinion is that you're not overreacting. He thought he had put-up a smoke-screen; but he tore holes in it by inappropriately taking a woman out for drinks; when he shouldn't be driving clients when has been drinking, and out of respect for you. He should have checked his phone soon after leaving his emergency notification on your phone. He clearly shut the phone off, without checking for any response. He was obviously preoccupied! A 911-Alert was to give plausible-deniability. You didn't pickup soon enough. He didn't get your immediate response. Somehow flipping the script; and somehow making this your fault, and you're being unreasonable.
I'm going to refrain from using profanity. I'll just use the term "bull manure!" A whole wheel-barrel load of it!
He's deep in it. So now the question arises. What do you plan to do about it?
He has clearly destroyed your trust; and you will always wonder what's going on between him and his favorite client?
Does he take all his lifts out for drinks and midnight snacks? The ultimate in audacity, is to turnaround a situation where you look guilty as sin; and somehow make it the fault of the person you have offended. Big balls! I mean testicles! Huge!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2019): He KNOWS that what he did was wrong. How can he think it's ok to go to eat with another woman, whilst ignoring your attempts to return his phone call? If I were you I would feel so disrespected that it would feel as if he was giving me the middle finger and I would do precisely that back.I could also imagine that it was deliberate. A ploy to get you annoyed and worried about what he's up to. To feed his ego. Or to get you to finish things between you.Why else would he call you and ask you to return his call ASAP and then completely ignore you? It means you will be worried about him, wonder what's happened to him and an opportunity to let you know that he was with another woman, giving her the attention he should have been giving you, by courteously realising that you will be trying to call him back and not caring about your feelings when you can't get hold of him. He also blatantly took a note of her number within your ear shot. One of them is interested in pursuing this acquaintance. If not both. He knows that you will be worried and insecure and if he doesn't care about how his behaviour is making you feel, then get rid. I would get rid anyway, this kind of behaviour from your boyfriend is extremely rude, uncaring and egotistical. If you were to behave the same way, would he be cool with that? Maybe he wants to end it, but wants you to do the dirty work, so he's playing up and thereby making YOU finish it. It sounds so extreme, that there has to be more to it. As you say, you're not stupid, but then neither is he. As I said, he KNOWS how his behaviour is making you feel and is possibly wanting you to end this long distance relationship. I wouldn't let him wait one second more. Good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2019):
 There is norhing directly wrong in what he did. But it was inconsiderate. You told him how you feel about it. Then let it go. You will both learn from this. Make up now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2019):
 I think your BF wants to live the "single life style" and since you physically live far from him, he kind of is.
The fact that he called YOU to have YOU answer HER question, I think says it all. He wants to impress her, he went to go eat in a middle of a ride? So he takes the "ride" (her) with him? That just doesn't sound right. That sounded like a date. An Uber Driver would have dropped her off home, THEN gone to eat. He wanted to EAT with her, again, which is like a date.
And if he picks up a girl after work to "chit chat" he is obviously acting like a single fella.
I think I would re-consider this relationship.
The thing that bugs me the most is the fact that he texted you - call me ASAP. And then doesn't answer for an hour because he is too busy being on a "dinner-date" with this girl. If the information he needed - how fast a check clears he could have asked in a text, so you knew what the text was about.
He think you are overreacting because he doesn't think he did anything "wrong" which also means he will do it again and again.
I would ask him how OK he would be if you went out to eat dinner on your way home to work if some GUY who was driving you home got hungry... Bet he wouldn't like that.
I think he likes to play "ladies man". just how far he takes it, I would have no idea about.
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